Permanent Twilight
by LauralHilll
Summary: All Human: Bella is a depressed drug addict sent to Forks to heal after "a bad... breakup." Instead, she meets Edward and gets him into things he wasn't ready for. Look elsewhere for sweetness and light. Chapter 48: Running is good for you! Unlike other things.
1. Prologue

_**prologue**_

It's a long way from Phoenix to Forks, Washington. And I don't mean in mileage here. My way there was roundabout, partly due to my mom remarrying and partly due to… well, let's just say I had a bad breakup for now.

Yeah, that's it.

Don't most girls want to run away after their first bad breakup?

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I was already depressed before James dumped me. So was he, but then he got onto Prozac and suddenly couldn't deal with my bleak moods anymore.

And now, irony of ironies, my new shrink put me on the happy pills.

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James wasn't the only one who couldn't deal with my moods. Renée couldn't either. Not that she knew about them before… the breakup. Not that I blamed her. I always felt like I was the one taking care of her, till she met Phil. In some ways he was great. In others, well.

No, really he was a good guy. He just took my mom away from me.

And I don't just mean because she traveled with his minor league baseball team.

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So yeah, the shrink was not thrilled to hear about Renée never being home either. I had spent my sixteenth birthday without her, after all. He blamed her for every single thing wrong with me.

Which was a rather long list. Only my grades were perfect.

Finally, after many _many _long-distance phone calls, she and my father, Charlie, agreed that a stable environment would be much better for me. Just before spring training started, she moved to Florida, and I moved to Forks.

**_song for this and chapter one: Dexter Freebish, Leaving Town: www . box . net / shared / 404vt2jgk1_**


	2. Chapter 1

_**chapter 1**_

I got off the jet in SeaTac and popped another Valium before getting on the prop plane to Port Angeles. I wasn't that afraid of flying, but those little prop planes always seemed like they were going to burst open before landing. (I'd taken a pill before Renée dropped me off, but that was six hours ago.) So I was in a pretty relaxed mood when Charlie picked me up. He asked how the flight was, and I told him about the little kid behind me that was kicking my seat and screaming (ok, so I'd taken another Valium then).

He then told me about the Chevy truck he'd picked up for me from Billy Black, who wasn't able to drive anymore. I didn't know much about cars, but I figured a truck was a necessity this far north. Although Renée insisted it didn't really snow that much here, any amount for a girl from Arizona was too much.

At the moment it was raining. That was typical. I had spent summers here till I hit puberty, and I remembered the rain. Coastal drizzle that never seemed to stop, except for the last three weeks of July and first two of August. It was a bit worse now, at the end of winter: Charlie had the wipers on HIGH and I was still nervous about not being able to see.

The drive home was mostly quiet, and I napped a bit more. (So maybe I'd taken too much Valium today.)

The truck was, in fact, great. Faded red fifties style. I did know that in the fifties they built cars to last forever, and this one seemed no exception. I took it for a test drive – just around the block – to make sure it ran. It did, although it was amazingly loud. Fortunately the radio worked. I figured it wouldn't be too difficult to replace the radio with something ordered off the internet, but for now I'd have something to listen to.

After unpacking, I emailed Renée to let her know I was here and safe, then started looking up info about replacing the truck radio. Then – somehow three hours passed – Charlie called me down to eat. Two frozen dinners.

"So," said Charlie while we sat on the couch watching TV and eating, "nervous about school tomorrow?"

"Not really," I answered truthfully. Hooray for Valium. "Doesn't the high school only have like, four hundred people?"

"A bit less," he conceded. "Still. They've all been going to school together since kindergarten."

Wow. I forgot how tactless Charlie could be. Glad the drugs were still in my system, I decided to change the subject. "Can I get a little money to go buy some food? I can't live on this Swanson shit."

"Bella! Watch your mouth."

"Sorry. But you do want to have some home-cooked meals, don't you?"

He sighed, pulled out his wallet and gave me directions to the nearest supermarket.

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After I finished menu planning, I went up to get ready for bed. Set my clock alarm. Took my Prozac. Debated on another Valium but decided I'd really had enough for the day. I'd promised Renée I wouldn't get addicted to it. Actually she meant any drug, but according to Charlie they only arrested about 20 people a year for drugs, so she didn't really think I'd be able to score. The shrink-approved drugs were supposed to help me not want to, either. I had been off pot ever since Renée found my stash, but I'd sampled almost everything else that Phoenix had to offer. My shrink insisted to Renée that I was merely self-medicating my depression, and also I was "acting out for attention."

I was supposed to be able to get all the attention I needed here, with my small-town cop dad.

I took off my arm warmers. I'd bought another pair, a wool pair, for Forks; I'd been wearing a sheer pair since… the breakup. I put on my pajamas, turned on a CD, and went to bed. I succeeded in not weeping, and fell asleep after about fifteen minutes.

In the morning, I pulled on a t-shirt, a vest and my wool arm warmers and went to breakfast. I'd bought eggs and bacon in the hopes that Charlie could at least successfully make them, and I was correct. I told him I'd probably make omelets from now on – gotta eat those veggies – and he smiled and went off to work.

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I figured it would be best to get to school early so I could straighten my schedule out. Bureaucracies were not known for being fast. Also it was foggy and I was worried about my abilities to drive in the fog, especially since I wasn't going to risk it medicated. But it didn't end up being too bad, and I made it to school about fifteen minutes before first period.

I parked in front of the "Front Office," broke a Valium in half, and went inside. The secretary asked if she could help me, and I said I was Bella Swan.

"Isabella Swan?"

"Bella," I replied as firmly as I could. _Great._

"I have your schedule." She gave it to me, along with a map, and slips for each teacher to sign.

_Well, that didn't take long._ I now had ten minutes to kill before English. First I moved my truck to what was obviously the student parking lot. Kids were hanging out in the lot, and mine wasn't even the oldest vehicle. Single mom had automatically put me in the poorer rungs of popularity at my old school, but my grades pushed me in front of all the popular kids who hated me. Except for James…

Anyway. I checked out the map and made my way to English. There were about fifteen kids already sitting in class, and they all hushed a bit when I walked in. I got the teacher to sign my slip, got the syllabus, and he pointed me to a chair in the back that was unoccupied. Good, I didn't have to stand in front of the class to introduce myself.

Everything on the list he handed me was stuff I'd already read. I still had my old essays on my laptop, so I could probably just print them out and hand them in. I answered a couple of questions, not too many, but enough so that the teacher would take me seriously. And so I could let him know to call me Bella.

When the bell rang the boy sitting across from me introduced himself. "I'm Eric, you must be Isabella – I mean, Bella Swan."

I shook his hand. "Yeah."

"What's your next class?"

"Government, building … six."

"I could show you the way, I'm going to four."

"Thanks," I said, and we took our coats and walked off.

He asked me about the weather in Phoenix, and we talked about rain vs. no-rain during the short walk to class.

"You don't look very tan."

"Yeah, I'm not big on skin cancer."

After we got to my building, he expressed hope that we'd have some other classes together. I said "Maybe" and went inside.

Government, Trig, Spanish then lunch. Trig was the only class where I had to stand up and introduce myself. "Hi, I'm Bella Swan, from Phoenix. I love puppies and rainbows and hate Satanists." A few of the boys laughed, and one girl, who sat next to me. Her name was Jessica, and she also was in my Spanish class.

When that ended she invited me to lunch with her friends. I couldn't keep track of everyone's names – except Eric, who waved from a few tables away. I answered everyone's questions on the scintillating topic of How Do You Like Forks, with subtopics My Dad, Population Density and The Weather. Apparently people in Forks really liked to talk about the weather.

While they traded minor trivia on local meteorological events, I looked around and saw _Them_. They looked a lot more like they belonged in Phoenix than Forks – hell, more like L.A. really. Three boys and two girls. One boy was huge, the other two were slight and movie-star handsome. The two girls were both gorgeous, but one was a dark-haired pixie, and the other was a blonde goddess.

"Who are they?" I asked Jessica.

"The Cullens and the Hales. Edward, Emmett and Alice Cullen, Jasper and Rosalie Hale. They're cousins or something and live with their uncle, Dr. Cullen and his wife. I think their parents all died in a car crash together when they were young. So they inherited a ton of money, too."

"They don't look related."

"I think only the two blonds are actual brother and sister. The rest are like second cousins once removed or something." She pointed out Jasper and Rosalie as the actual brother-sister pair. "And they're actually foster kids, not related by blood to anyone else. Mrs. Cullen can't have kids I think."

"How long have they lived in Forks?" I had no memory of them from my summers here.

"Two years. They moved from California." Jessica sounded like she didn't want to talk about them anymore, but I couldn't take my eyes off the two younger boys.

"Which one is Emmett?" I asked.

"The big one," she replied, which meant the ones I was staring at were Jasper and Edward. "He's dating Rosalie, even though they live together. I think Jasper and Alice are too, but they aren't as touchy feely." I glanced over at them, helpless. Rosalie was finished with her food, and she and Emmett held hands as they walked out. "Meanwhile, there wasn't another girl cousin for Edward to hook up with, so he's single. God forbid he date a girl he met at school."

The rest of the Cullens and Hales left together. I sat with Jessica and her friends till it was almost time for Biology II; fortunately one of them, Angela, had the class as well, and walked me to it. She was much quieter than Jessica, but unfortunately she already had a Bio lab partner. The only empty seat was the one shared with Edward Cullen.

_OK, hopefully having class with him will cure me of my tendency to stare slack-jawed at him._ After getting my slip signed, I sat next to him, and he was staring at me. Not slack-jawed like I was, but – intensely. Which was damn weird and not but a little creepy. OK, major creepy. It didn't feel like an "I also think you are beautiful" stare, but like a "why are you here?" stare. Which I gotta admit, I was used to from my old school. But here no one knew the truth about me, and the impression I got from Eric at least was that I was fresh meat for the majority of the boys. Not that I was super interested in dating at the moment. Especially when the cutest boy at school seemed to think I wasn't worth breathing the air next to. I wondered if I could bribe Angela's partner into swapping seats with me.

When the bell rang I jumped out of my seat, my fight-or-flight instinct almost fully engaged already from Mr. Cullen's weirdness. He was now totally ignoring me. I watched him go.

A semi-cute blond boy asked me if I was Isabella Swan. I corrected him, and we discovered we were both heading to gym. His reaction was more like Eric's, more like what I'd expected. He talked about California, where he lived till he was ten, expecting me to join Team Sunshine with him. It turned out he was also in my English class.

"So what was up with Cullen?" he asked.

"I think he's kind of stuck-up," I replied.

Mike laughed. "Yeah, no kidding. I don't think he talks to anyone but his family. If I'd got to sit with you, I would have talked to you."

I sighed. "Do you know why I moved up here, Mike?"

"Um, cos your mom moved to Florida?"

"That wasn't the real reason. It was because I had a really bad breakup, it really messed me up."

He held up his hands. "OK, OK. Can't blame a guy for trying."

"Nah, it's fine. Flattering even. But yeah, I'm sorry."

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After gym I went to the office to turn in my slips, and who should be there but Mr. Cullen the Great, trying to get out of sixth-hour Bio. He seemed not to notice me at all, thank God. I hoped beyond hope that he'd get the transfer.

Unfortunately another girl opened the door to drop something off quickly, and he saw me. The same "oh god not you again" look, and then he said, "Ok, I get it. Thanks, but never mind," and left.

I was furious, but lied to the receptionist that I'd had a lovely day. After giving her the slips I went to my car just as I saw a shiny new Volvo stuffed full of Cullens speed off. "What is his deal?" I wondered aloud. The only thing I could think of was that he knew the truth, but how the hell could he know when Mike didn't? Or anyone else, I assumed, for that matter. It was a mystery. I took the other half of the Valium that I'd left in the console, and drove home.

**_author's notes: I know, it's not much different yet, but it will be soon!_**

**_Reviews are my Valium._**


	3. Chapter 2

**song for this chapter: Garbage, "Medication" ( dl box . net / shared / 0zb1p8xxr2 ) **

_**chapter 2**_

The Valium I'd taken before bed was still in my system when I woke up; coffee helped me wake up enough to drive safely to school, especially as it wasn't raining today (yet). I was still a bit nervous about lunch and Biology, but I took another half a pill before Spanish, so Jessica walked a rather relaxed Bella to lunch. Mike waved us over, to Jessica's obvious delight, and the rest of the girls gathered with us. I glanced and saw the Cullens and Hales minus Edward. _Hmmm._

And in fact he was not in Biology. I asked Angela if she wouldn't mind helping me get up to speed today, implying that I wouldn't mind a permanent switch. Her partner was absent as well, so we couldn't do anything about making it permanent yet. I hoped we could soon. Angela was fairly quiet, like Charlie, not caring about filling in silences. She did ask how my class in Phoenix compared, and I murmured my answers.

And then gym and then home. I made spaghetti for dinner, then started on my math homework. I was nearly finished when Charlie got home. We nodded at each other and started setting the table.

During dinner he asked how school was going, if I'd made any friends yet.

"I think so, I have a couple classes with a girl named Jessica and a boy named Mike. And there's this guy Eric. And Angela. I sit with them during lunch."

"That must be Mike Newton. His parents own a sporting goods store just outside of town, make a lot of money from backpackers. Nice kid – nice family."

"Do you know the Cullens?"

"Sure. Dr. Cullen is a great man."

"I meant the kids. They sorta stick out at school."

Charlie shocked me by going off on a rant about how the Cullen kids were amazing, never got into trouble, always polite, and went off on camping trips with the whole family. It was the most I'd ever heard him say at once, and I figured there was some kinda gossip about them. Jessica seemed not to like them, apparently not many people did, so Charlie was defending them pre-emptively. "Forks is lucky to have such a great doctor," he concluded.

I didn't really know what to say after that, so I changed the subject. "Catch any dangerous criminals today?"

He smiled and talked about the two speeders he caught.

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The next day Edward was back. I felt nervous but I knew what I was going to do. So I idly listened to Jessica's gossip about who had a drinking problem and who got pregnant and whose parents went bankrupt. She pointed out the two Juvenile Delinquents in the school, and I felt a pang of homesickness. I had hung out with that crowd back in Phoenix. Here there were far fewer rungs of the popularity ladder, and I seemed to be on top: my dad was police chief and I was taking the college-prereqs. I was beyond glad that Charlie hadn't told anyone the real reason I was here; if he had, Jessica would definitely know and not be speaking with me so animatedly.

Fortunately Angela's partner was still absent, so I just sat with her, avoiding Edward. The teacher didn't seem to care, but Edward was looking at me with a different expression. Not like I was scum, but like I actually pissed him off. Not like I wrecked his shiny Volvo, but like I bumped into him and didn't apologize. Every time I glanced at him, he was staring at me with this expression.

After the bell rang he came up to. "Excuse me," he said.

"Yeah?"

"I wanted to apologize to you," he said.

Angela looked at me like "you ok?" as did Mike, and I waved them along. I let Edward walk me out. "So apologize," I finally responded, when he said nothing else.

He seemed taken aback. "I'm - I'm sorry. Look, I didn't want to be the one but I guess you have a right to know. Carlisle – Dr. Cullen – talked to your dad about you, before you came here, and I overheard everything."

I stopped dead. I felt like I couldn't breathe; I started panting. "Everything?"

He nodded solemnly. "I have my own issues with that sort of thing, and I guess I sort of projected them onto you. I mean like – I guess I was afraid you were catching. I know, I know, I'm a serious jerk, and I really am truly sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I'm not going to hold it against you anymore. You don't have to - you can sit next to me again."

I started nodding slowly. Then I fainted.

I could sort of hear voices, and feel that I was being moved, but I wasn't fully aware till I "woke up" in the nurse's office. She asked if I'd eaten anything, and I lied and said I hadn't. She gave me a donut and some orange juice and told me to stay put till I felt normal, then I should go home. So I finished the food then walked out.

Edward was waiting for me. "I brought the note to your gym teacher," he said.

"Thanks," I muttered. He walked with me to my truck in silence, till I had to ask: "Did anyone else overhear?"

He hesitated. "Uh, no. But –"

"But you told someone."

"Just Alice." He looked really upset. "I swore her to secrecy, not even Jasper knows."

"So Alice knows everything."

"No, no, not everything, just the, um, drug stuff."

I frowned. "Why'd you tell her that?"

He sighed. "Well, see, Carlisle and Esme and me and Alice, we're Mormon. The family goes to church but they aren't, I mean they weren't baptized, you know."

My jaw dropped. This was the first I'd heard of it, and Forks is a small town.

He continued, "So Alice understood that I didn't want to sit next to a drug addict, but she told me I was being stupid and I should grow the heck up."

"Well." We were at my truck. "Thanks for your apology, but I'm sure you don't want to be with a _drug addict_ any longer than you have to be."

He was downcast. "I said I was sorry. I'll behave from now on. Perfect gentleman, Scout's honor." He saluted with two fingers on his forehead.

"Alright," I conceded.

"See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure." I got in my truck and drove home.

_Mormons!_ That sure explained things. That was another factor in my unpopularity in Phoenix, all the damned Mormons who thought I'd infect them with hedonism if I so much as looked their way. They were a small but sizable minority in my high school, but they took up about half the honors classes. They pretended to care about me but never befriended me. I'd dismissed the whole lot of them as hypocrites years ago.

And now I had to sit with one during biology. A rather handsome one. Great.

On the other hand, he'd admitted he was being childish and promised to behave. So, there was that. And he hadn't told anyone about … the breakup. He clearly knew but seemed to see it as the lesser evil. I shivered, cold despite my wool arm warmers.

As soon as I got home I took a Valium and made a few sandwiches for Charlie. I wasn't hungry, thanks to the donut, but I didn't want to be downstairs at all.

I tried thinking but it was impossible. I was still freaked out from my faint earlier. The Valium was barely touching it. I hesitated only briefly before going through the phone book to find the Newton's phone number.

"Is Mike there?"

"This is he. Bella?"

"Hey."

"Hey, are you ok? You weren't in gym!"

"Ugh, I don't know. I fainted."

"Because of Edward, right? That fucking asshole."

"He just got me so freaked out," I complained, not really having to act.

"Want me to beat him up for you?" he said, half-joking.

"Ha. Unfortunately, I think Emmett would kick your ass back. Nah, I'm thinking something else, I dunno if you could help me but…"

"Help you what?"

I pretended to hesitate. "Could you help me find something that would help me … relax?"

He was quiet for a minute. "Um, I don't know," he said. "Do you know Tyler?"

I had Government with him, and Jessica had pointed him out during lunch as someone to avoid. "Not really."

"Well. He's the guy you'd want to talk to."

"Can you give me his number?" I tried not to sound desperate.

"I don't think he'd be pleased with that, but I can introduce you two. I'll tell him you want to meet at the Thriftway in an hour, ok?"

"That works," I said slowly. "I'll bring forty dollars."

"Ok," he said. "I'll call you if the plan changes."

I checked my watch – 4:45pm. "Sure. Thriftway at a quarter to six. See you then."

We hung up and I sighed. I felt like a big fat idiot. I had only been in Forks since Sunday, and I was already trying to score weed. Part of me wanted to call him up immediately to tell him to forget about it, police chief's daughter was joking, ha ha, me do drugs? But that part of me stayed pretty quiet. If I even thought about not going, the panic rose again.

So that was that. Charlie wouldn't be home till after six, Mike didn't call back, so I left at five-thirty. It only took five minutes, so I did a bit of shopping, including picking up incense and rolling papers. That took up eight minutes. I went back to the truck – I'd parked at the far edge of the lot – and sat tight.

Mike drove up a minute after I put the groceries in the cab. "Hey Bella."

"Hey."

"So Tyler's a little worried that um. Well, your dad's a cop."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh come on. I go to school with him, I'm not trying to get anyone busted."

"I know but – well, so, he said he'd take the money from me, and I'll meet you later, ok? I mean I'll follow you home. It's – your dad won't be back yet right?"

"Doubtful," I replied. "But just in case you should bring some English homework."

"Oh, yeah."

I handed him the money then drove home.

**_The author prefers Reviews to Weed._**


	4. Chapter 3

**song for this chapter: "Ain't That Unusual" www . box . net / shared / xm48yqnype**

_**chapter 3**_

Charlie came home shortly after I did, and Mike came by a few minutes after. He pretended to give me a copy of his notes for English (we were doing _Wuthering Heights_ at the moment) but actually gave me a cigarette packet. Charlie was watching TV, oblivious. I thanked Mike, told him I'd see him in class, and ran upstairs.

My hands were shaking as I opened up the cigarette packet. It felt rather lightweight, but that was typical of dried plants. What wasn't typical was the eensy little tiny piece of plastic wrapped around a small brown lump. My jaw dropped when I realized what I'd accidentally bought instead of weed.

Black tar heroin.

I swallowed and hid it in a sock in my dresser. Then I called Mike up.

"You know, when I said I wanted something to help me relax, I was thinking more of something GREEN and NATURAL," I told him.

"Oh, shit. Uh damn. Yeah, Tyler only does uh, harder stuff. Nothing natural about him. Sorry."

I sighed. I didn't bother to ask for a refund; this was a drug dealer, not Wal-Mart. "Any idea where I could possibly look?"

"I think most people just hang out on the reservation when they want to score."

"Hm. I used to know some people, Rachel and Rebecca Black. My dad's friends with their dad."

"Oh, well, there you go!" He sounded relieved that he didn't have to help me anymore.

"Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow," I said, and hung up.

The only problem, of course, was that the twins were two years older than I was, so probably did not live on the rez anymore. Billy had a son, but I couldn't recall his name. I supposed I could ask Charlie, but after all I'd gone through to get the wrong substance, I wasn't in the mood to try anymore. Plus, the Valium I'd taken when I got home now felt just fine to me.

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The rest of the week was not notable at all. Mike and Eric sat on either side of me during English and competed for my attention. Trig, the only class I hadn't taken before, wasn't too tricky. Tyler pointedly ignored me during Government, and I returned the favor. During lunch, our group made plans to go to La Push in a few weeks. Mike insisted I come, and I shrugged. A beach was a beach, even in March. And Edward, true to his word, was rather calm and collected in Biology. He was just as advanced as I was, it seemed; he explained that he'd been homeschooled till he was 14. He didn't elaborate on why it stopped then, if that was just when Esme gave up, or actually when his biological parents died. No clue, no idea. He was merely cordial, not open, and I still caught him looking at me funny every now and again.

I asked Jessica and Angela, separately, what there was to do on the weekends. Angela mentioned a roller rink not far from town, and Jessica flat out said "Nothing, I go to Port Angeles when I can." She wasn't going this weekend but agreed we should have a movie night soon. (Angela wasn't going skating but likewise wanted to go "soon".)

I was almost surprised that no boy asked me out. Not that I really minded. Eric seemed too shy, I supposed, and Mike had backed off a tiny bit (except when Eric was around) after the drug mixup. I was also wondering about Edward, but that of course was stupid. No straight-laced Mormon boy was gonna ask _me_ out. I was a little surprised that Jessica didn't seem to know about the Cullens' religion, since she seemed to know almost everything else in this town…

So the weekend was tame. Charlie worked, as he normally did. I finished exploring the town. The library was lame, but the vintage shops and outdoor stores were interesting. Mike was working at his parents' shop, so I didn't stay long. I hadn't been super into hiking in Arizona, but it was something I had done during my summers here, so I figured I should try to get back into it. Something healthy to make the parents feel better. I asked Mike if any of our classmates hiked, and he named a few names. He also implied that he was into hiking and wouldn't mind showing me some cool places when the weather improved.

"Is there anywhere to buy CDs?"

"Not around here."

I thanked him and drove to a gas station to fill up. The truck really didn't get great mileage; I wanted to go to Seattle or Olympia at some point but dreaded the cost.

I stopped at a drugstore to get some hair dye. I normally bleached out the bottom half, but I hadn't done anything but get it trimmed in months. My roots underneath were almost five inches long. I trimmed my hair all over, then bleached out the bottom. After washing it out, I felt better. Like the old me, before my life went to shit. Before Renée remarried. Before James dumped me. Before …

I still felt good when I woke up Monday morning. I aced my pop quiz on _Wuthering Heights_ – and then it started snowing. It was beautiful to walk around in, and the boys – even the seniors – threw snowballs at each other. I wanted to join in, but none of the girls were as excited. Although in Spanish everyone was chattering about it, the first snow of the year. It didn't really get cold enough to snow here that much, apparently. I was surprised.

By lunchtime even the girls had given up their propriety and were chucking snowballs at each other. I joined Jessica in a two-on-one assault against Mike. He was totally covered in snow by the time we gave up and let him loose. We laughed all the way to the cafeteria, then told everyone about the mighty battle.

The Cullens apparently had also had a mighty battle. I heard some laughter, and saw the three boys covered in melting snow. Emmett shook his dripping head at the girls, who squealed and jumped back.

"Edward Cullen is looking at you," whispered Jessica fiercely. I whipped my head back towards my lunch.

"He doesn't look angry, does he?" I whispered back.

"No, should he be?"

"I don't think he likes me very much," I allowed.

"The Cullens don't like anybody – well, they don't notice anybody enough to like them. But he's totally staring at you."

"Stop looking at him," I hissed.

She giggled but looked back at our table. Then Mike announced there was going to be an Epic Battle of the Blizzard in the parking lot after school. Jessica chimed "I'm in" and I decided to let her have some space to flirt with Mike herself, since she seemed more interested than I was. Unfortunately, by the time lunch ended, the snow had turned to rain. Mike bitched all the way to class.

In lab we were supposed to sort slides in the correct order for the phases of mitosis. I whispered that I'd done this in Phoenix, and he said he'd done something similar himself, so we took turns and finished in record time. Edward handed in our completed lab to Mr. Banner. He made some comment that I didn't hear, but Edward pointed to the sheet, and he seemed satisfied.

"What did he say?" I asked when Edward came back.

"He thought I'd done the whole thing, but I pointed out your handwriting."

"Thanks," I said, and started drawing in the margins of my notebook.

Edward was quiet for a minute, then he said, "Too bad about the snow, huh?"

_Was he finally speaking to me? _"Yeah, but it's still kinda nice. It was my very first snowfall ever."

"Really? I guess that makes sense. I didn't see any till I moved up here."

"I don't really like the cold," I said.

He looked at me like he'd never seen me before. "That's too bad. It's pretty cold here."

"Well, I don't really like the heat either," I admitted. "If it could stay like it does in summer all year, that would be perfect."

"I guess it's too bad you had to move up here."

I gave him a look. "My mom remarried and moved to Florida," I informed him.

He clearly hadn't heard that part. "Oh, I thought –"

"You thought she just kicked me out?" It was hard to keep my voice low enough, but fortunately Mr. Banner called the class to order. I turned to him with relief. It was maddening that he already knew so much about me, when I barely knew anything about him. When the bell rang, he apologized to me, and I said, "Whatever," and stalked off to gym.

After gym it was misting and I felt damp to the bone by the time I got to my truck. Edward was waiting by it.

"What do you want," I sniffed. It was so hard to be properly angry with someone who looked like he did.

"I put my foot in my mouth again," he said. "Obviously it's stupid to think your mom shunted you up here for no reason."

"There were many reasons, but yes, her new husband was a big one. He plays baseball, so…"

"So she traveled with him."

"Yeah." I unlocked my truck. "If you don't mind, it's kind of miserable here."

"Sorry, sorry. I'll see you tomorrow," he said, waving me off.

I swallowed a Valium, turned the heat up as high as it could go, fluffed out my hair, and cursed all annoying cute Mormon boys.

**_author's note: I was raised as a Mormon. Those boys were definitely dreamy, let me tell ya. But not as dreamy as REVIEWS._**


	5. Chapter 4

**song for this chapter, is obviously, "A Speeding Car" : www . box . net / shared / yxnotbtse3**

_**chapter 4**_

The next day it had snowed again. It was beautiful, but the rain had frozen solid on the road. I was a little worried till I noticed chains on my truck. Charlie must have put them on before I woke up. I grinned and started the truck. I was amazed at its maneuverability on the drive there. Parked, and started walking to the building for English, when all of a sudden I heard a horrible skidding then crunching noise. I whipped around and saw a dark blue van folded into the back of my truck.

I walked cautiously over to the back of my truck. Someone was already helping tfhe driver out, and I almost laughed when I saw it was Tyler Crowley. He seemed a little dazed when I asked him for his insurance information.

"God, my mom is going to kill me," he moaned. A few teachers managed to push the van away from my truck, but it was clearly not going to be drivable. Tyler himself had some cuts from flying glass on his face.

"You really should use chains," I said solemnly.

Someone had apparently dialed 911, and Charlie showed up along with an ambulance. I told him I was fine, I'd been nowhere near the truck, and I had to get to class.

By the time Government started, Tyler was back in class, his cuts all bandaged. He started apologizing for all the scratches and nicked paint on my truck.

"Don't worry about it. My truck was probably the best thing to aim for in that kind of situation."

He smiled. "At least let me buy you lunch," he insisted.

I was hesitant, but decided Jessica could eat herself if she cared. "OK, I'll see you then."

Everyone was talking about the accident all morning. Jessica seemed morbidly fascinated that I could have been killed if I'd stayed at my car a bit longer. She kept talking about it after Spanish till I cut her off.

"So Tyler feels bad about it and wants to buy me lunch," I said. "I'll see you after."

"OK," she said, oblivious to the implication that I would, in fact, be eating with Tyler because of this.

Well, whatever. I spotted Tyler sitting with the rest of the school's degenerates, and waved at him. He waved back lazily but didn't walk up to me till I was at the register. After he paid, I followed him back.

"This is Paul and Gene," he said, pointing to first a blond, then a brown-haired boy. "This is Bella."

"Hi there," I said, and sat down.

"So you're the one who almost got hit?" asked Paul.

"Uh, not really," I said.

"It was just her truck," said Tyler. Paul and Gene glanced at each other, then Gene said, "I need a smoke, Paul?" He nodded and followed him off.

"That was subtle," I noted.

He winced. "They are subtle guys."

"So, I just thought I should let you know that Mike did tell me where he was getting stuff," I said. He froze at that, but I continued, "I honestly was looking for something green and natural, though."

He relaxed a bit. "Well, Mike is a moron. Everyone knows the guy at the rez to go to. Sam Uley."

"I don't know him." He smirked, as if not surprised, but then I said, "My dad is friends with Billy Black though."

He raised his eyebrows at that. "He used to buy from Sam. After his accident. He smoked to help with the pain."

"Huh." Charlie struck me as the kind of guy who'd call even a medical-use smoker a pothead. "Wonder if Charlie knows."

"About Sam?"

"I mean Billy."

"He probably did. I would be very surprised if Sam wasn't bribing anyone on the force." At my frown he made a gesture of helplessness. "Not saying it's your dad, just someone."

I still didn't really know what to say about that, so I decided to change the subject. "Well, I guess I can ask Billy's kids for help. If I asked him it might get back to Charlie."

"I doubt he'd arrest you," he grinned.

I bit my lip. "Can you keep a secret?"

"Is that a rhetorical question?"

"Well. I meant, if I tell you something, do you promise not to blab it all over the school."

"That's what I do for cash, Bella."

"OK, so, I haven't had any weed or anything since November." I turned my voice into a whisper. "I um – I accidentally OD'd." I wasn't about to tell him the other half of what had happened. One person in this school knowing was enough. I rubbed my arms through my warmers.

"On – on smack?" he whispered back. I nodded. "And – and your dad knows?"

"Yeah. So he'd totally spaz, even just pot."

He looked a little embarrassed. "I didn't realize."

"No, like I said, it's a secret."

"Sorry. I mean about the other thing. Do you want me to buy it back?"

I shook my head. "You have to get a new car, right?"

He scowled. "Yeah. Well, the insurance will pay a grand for totaling out the van, but that's probably it. My mom's gonna give me hell when I get home."

"Not your dad?"

"Don't have one." His tone made it clear that he wasn't going to say anymore on that subject. Instead he said, "If you're going to keep the stuff, I can get you rigs."

I shuddered. "I only smoke it."

He looked confused. "How did you - smoking?"

"Well, just that time," I admitted. "I didn't mainline it, just um, in my hip."

"What else have you tried?"

"Um… coke, meth, ecstasy, shrooms… Valium, Percoset, everything but acid and mescaline I guess."

He grinned. "Why not?"

"Shrooms were enough for me. Anything longer, I think I would've gone totally insane."

He began extolling the virtues of acid, which really did sound just like shrooms except for the trip length. I politely nodded and finished my lunch. He was still pontificating when it was about time for Bio. "Hey, I gotta get to class," I said. "Thanks for lunch."

"No problem," he said, smiling at me as I walked away.

When I got to Bio, Edward was already in his seat. "I can't believe you had lunch with Tyler Crowley," he hissed at me.

"What? He was sorry about hitting my truck!" I exclaimed.

"You really shouldn't talk with him, you know. He's a felon," he muttered.

"What are you talking about?"

He leaned to my ear. "I just meant, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't talk to a known _drug dealer._"

I pretended to be surprised. "Oh!"

He nodded sternly. "Better safe than sorry."

"Maybe I wasn't talking to him for that reason, though."

I thought I heard him mutter, "That's even worse" as the bell rang.

Biology was boring, covering stuff I'd done last term again. I wondered if Tyler actually was interested in me as more than just a potential customer. On the one hand, he seemed like an interesting guy so far. On the other hand, he was unpopular, and I was at the moment, not unpopular. It felt shallow to think that way, but it was the truth. I didn't want to descend the ladder again. Plus, even if I didn't, people probably would think I was only talking to him to get free drugs. So maybe I'd just be his friend outside of school. If he didn't think that was awful of me. If someone had done that to me back in Phoenix, I might have been angry at their hypocrisy, but glad to have a friend anyway. But Tyler had friends, so maybe it didn't matter.

After the bell rang, Edward sort of sat still, but Mike came over and asked if he could talk to me. I said ok and we walked out together.

"So what did Tyler want?"

"He wanted to apologize for hitting my truck."

Mike laughed. "But his van got totaled! And your truck was fine!"

"Yeah. I think maybe it was just an excuse."

His eyebrows narrowed. "Did he ask you out?"

"Oh God no."

"Good," he smiled.

"I told you I wasn't ready to date anyone," I reminded him.

"Well, yeah, but you really shouldn't date Tyler. He's not just a drug dealer you know. I bet your dad would tell you some stories about arresting him."

I snorted. "I bet he would."

Mike changed the subject. "So you missed it at lunch, but Dave White's parents are out of town this weekend."

"Oh yeah?"

He nodded. "He's having some people over Friday night, if you want to go."

"I might at that."

"Cool." He couldn't stop smiling.

**_author's note: I'm not advocating drug use to anyone, but it worked for Hunter S. Thompson._**

**_I prefer reviews, myself.  
_**


	6. Chapter 5

_**author's note: drug use, cutting ahead, you have been warned. **_

_**the song for this chapter is an 11-minute instrumental by Spacemen 3 that you can DL: **_**box . net / shared /**** ov2japvqhj**

**chapter 5**

I avoided Mike after the last bell rang, running to my truck. To my great shock, Tyler was standing there grinning.

"Hey Bella. Can I get a ride home? I wouldn't ask, but I'm having a little car trouble."

I sighed. "Get in."

He said nothing beyond giving me directions. Finally I said, "So look, today you had a great excuse, but I think in the future we probably shouldn't really hang out at school. People will talk."

"Hmm. Does that mean you want to hang out when not at school?" he asked a little too casually.

"I lied at lunch," I burst out. "It wasn't an accident." _Oh shit, why did I say that?_

He was quiet for a minute. "I'm sorry. What happened?"

"I don't really want to talk about it. Let's just say I had a bad breakup."

He nodded slowly. "So no dating?"

That was a new one. I wondered if Renée or Charlie might have forbidden me to date, if they'd thought of it. But I just said, "No, I'm not ready to – to try again."

"OK. Well. That's understandable I guess. We could be friends, though."

"Why would you want to be friends with me?" I asked warily.

"Maybe you want to be friends with _me_," he countered. "We could hang out and smoke, I mean."

Now that didn't sound too bad. Except… "You mean like right now? I can't drive this truck stoned."

He spread out his hands, exasperated. "Doesn't have to be now. And I can't do it at my place anyway. And I think neither of us want me at the Swan residence."

I remembered Mike's invitation. "Do you know where Dave White lives?"

"Yeah?"

"His parents are out of town, I was gonna go over Friday night. If it's a big party, we can hang out," I said. "If not, we can hang out after."

He nodded slowly. "Sounds good. Here, let me give you my cell – do you have one?"

"Not at the moment." Renée had cancelled it when I was in the hospital.

"Well, you can borrow someone's or something, here." He tore a scrap out of a notebook. "Call me Friday when you know what the deal is."

We were almost at his place. "Will do," I said. "Should I bring cash?"

He hesitated. "Ten bucks should be plenty."

I pulled the truck into his driveway; he lived in a smaller house than mine. "OK. See you then."

"See you tomorrow," he corrected me, and hopped out.

I felt a little queasy as I drove home. This was probably better than buying and smoking solo, but on the other hand, I hadn't actually done that yet either. Maybe I just wouldn't call him Friday. That sounded smarter.

_What's wrong with me!_ When I was alone, I could see that smoking pot again was a dumb idea. But when I talked to someone else about it, it seemed I couldn't control myself. I really didn't want to get back into those habits again. But was I really strong enough to avoid it all on my own?

:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:

When I got home, I made dinner. Chicken and potatoes. Cut up the potatoes, drench them in oil and seasoning, cook for thirty minutes. Cut up the chicken, oil and seasoning, throw them in with the potatoes for another thirty minutes. Then steam broccoli for ten minutes. Automatic, really, so I kept thinking.

Back in Phoenix, James had been the one to get me smoking pot in the first place. I'd resisted initially, but we shared a joint at a party and he kissed me and that was it for me. Physical intimacy of that nature felt twice as good while high. The next party, he'd given me a few lines of cocaine. That was fun too, but it wasn't like pot. I could smoke pot every day, but too much coke made me jittery and paranoid. Same thing with all the other stuff I tried – not that it made me all jittery of course, but I could take or leave any other drug but pot. Or Vicodin, honestly, but that stuff was too expensive.

Of course, when James learned how much I liked Vicodin, he tried to get me to smoke black tar heroin. I refused point-blank at first. Heroin seemed far more dangerous and scary than any of the other drugs I'd tried. Well, meth scared me a little at first, but it was enough like coke that it wasn't enticing to me. He didn't succeed in getting me to try heroin till he started Prozac. Smoking black tar heroin was sort of gross, though; it tasted and smelled bad, and I got so high I just passed out. Not that this was unwelcome, sometimes. Sometimes nothing else would get me to pass out. Still, I was terrified of getting addicted, so at most I'd smoke it every other day. The weed wasn't really working that well at this point.

At this point, the Prozac was working on James, and he was growing more and more disgusted with my pot and heroin smoking. Never mind that he was the one who'd bought them for me in the first place. Never mind that he showed me how to smoke them; that he'd ignored my resistance and pushed me into "chasing the dragon." No, it didn't matter that it was all his fault, all that mattered was that he'd stopped using, and I didn't want to, because I was depressed. He didn't care that the drugs made me feel better, less like I was swimming in deep black water. On days when we fought, the depression was harsher – more like I was falling off a steep cliff that seemed to have no bottom. Eventually of course he got sick of the fighting, and on Halloween, he broke it off.

That night I did more coke and meth than I ever had in my life. I was at a party – James was one of the popular kids, and the news hadn't spread that he dumped me – and wandered from room to room, politely asking for things to stick up my nose. When people ignored my requests, I'd pull out fives. This tended to melt cold fronts – people almost never offered to pay for party favors, and I was well aware that they weren't free – and I got so incredibly high that before I knew it, it was 5am and I was sucking face with a really cute exchange student, Laurent from Montreal.

But when he tried to put his hand down my pants, I freaked out and left, frantic. I was still buzzing when I got home, jittery yet tired, so I smoked heroin in the bathroom till I felt better. And then I tried to go to bed – and then I burst into tears. Renée was home that weekend, and I woke her up. I told her little beyond James dumping me yesterday. She held me while I cried, but it didn't help much. (I was kind of hysterical from all the drugs in my system.) Finally she gave me one of her Xanax (she had a few for flying) and that did the trick. I passed out.

The rest of that weekend was a blur. I remember going to the drugstore to buy needles, because I knew that smoking wasn't going to do the trick. I used water and a soup spoon and drew it up. Then I shot it into my hip, and then – and then I felt better. I mean, I was _high_. I tested it by thinking about James, and I started crying again. I felt like slamming my head against the wall, but instead I used the used needle to scratch up my arm. It hurt, but I felt better. Cutting was one thing I'd never ever tried before – I didn't really like pain – but at that point, it really seemed to help the anguish.

One thing led to another. I found a sharp knife in the kitchen. That hurt a lot more, so I prepared another needle…

Renée came home from shopping to find me in the bath with another used needle in the garbage and my arms bleeding. That second shot made me pass out, but Renée screaming kind of woke me up.

"What's wrong?" I mumbled, then passed out again. She slapped my face and I woke up again, but I couldn't keep my eyes open. She pulled out her cell phone and the next thing I knew, I was on a stretcher.

"I found this," Renée babbled.

"Do you know what's in it?" asked the EMT. "Smells like heroin. Bella? Can you hear me?"

"What? What's going on?" I asked, trying to open my eyes. It came out more like "Wsgunon?"

"Bella, you are overdosing on heroin. I'm going to fix it, ok?"

"I'm fine," I insisted. "Really," I enunciated.

But he didn't believe me, and I felt a sharp poke in my bicep, and then – OUCH. I could breathe again, and the pain was all back, more than before, and I screamed.

:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:

Charlie's car came up the driveway, bringing me back to the present. I set the table.

"I'm really glad nothing happened to you, Bella," he said.

It took me a minute to realize he meant the accident in the parking lot. "Me too."

I wondered if there actually existed teenagers who could talk frankly with their parents about these kinds of things. I mean, mine knew what had happened, and they still had trouble. Charlie a lot more, but even Renée just wanted to make sure I wouldn't do it again. And my shrink had moved even before I did.

I really needed someone I could talk to about this. A peer. I supposed I could tell Angela, but her dad was a Methodist Minister. If I talked to Jessica, the whole school would know by the end of the week. Mike would listen, but he'd probably think I was trying to get close to him. Tyler knew more, but might think the same thing. But he was the best choice, except…

_Edward already knows what happened_, said a nagging voice.

Yeah, but he hates me because of it.

_No he doesn't. Besides, he tried to warn you off Tyler. He'd help you._

Maybe I don't want that much help.

_Would it hurt to ask?_

Fine. Tomorrow, I would ask him.

**_author's note: if you throw in garlic and rosemary, that chicken/potato recipe kicks serious ass. Try it, seriously. Or just review._**


	7. Chapter 6

**the song for this chapter: Helio Sequence, "Can't Say No", DL www . box . net / shared / fi4cgb826d**

_**chapter 6**_

Wednesday I woke up in a cold sweat, panicked. It took me a minute to remember why. (Since starting the Prozac, I could never remember my dreams.) I was going to try to talk to Edward today. I needed someone to keep me away from Tyler and all that he offered.

I got to school a bit early and waited for the Cullens' car. When it drove up, I approached it. "Hey, Edward," I called out after he parked.

Alice gave him a look, then they all scattered except one. "Hey Bella. What can I do for you?"

"Yesterday you said I should stay away from Tyler."

He nodded. "Drug dealers don't have morals when it comes to making money. Even if he knew, he wouldn't care, and I'm guessing you didn't tell him."

"Actually I kinda did," I said.

He seemed taken aback. "You did?"

"I told him I OD'd, that's it."

"Oh. Huh. Ok." He looked confused.

"He didn't try to sell me anything, but he said we should smoke out sometime."

This seemed to firm up Edward again. "Are you going to?"

I looked at my shoes. "Well, I told him I'd see about it, but afterward I felt like a total idiot. I don't _want to_ want to."

He sighed. "You mean, you have a desire to smoke pot, but you would prefer not to have this desire."

"Yeah, I guess you could say that…"

"Well." He put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm glad you decided to talk to me about this."

I looked him in the eyes. Oh, Christ, was he gorgeous. Guh. "Thanks," I breathed. "Can – can you help me?"

He nodded slowly. "Yeah, I think I can. I mean, I can't watch you every minute obviously, but if you – you can reach out to me, and I'll try to talk you out of bad decisions. Sort of like an AA sponsor?"

"Sounds – sounds good," I stammered, then looked at my shoes again. It was far too difficult to _think_ when he was in my field of vision.

He squeezed my shoulder. My heart was pounding. "OK, so tell me exactly when you told Tyler you were going to meet him." I told him, then, about the party and our plans. He thought about it, then said, "I should probably go with you to Dave's, huh."

"Yeah, that's probably for the best."

"So, I'll pick you up at nine." It wasn't a question, just a statement of fact. He gently took my chin in his other hand and turned my face to his again. "OK?"

I nodded, unable to speak again.

He nodded and dropped both his hands. "OK, I'll see you in Bio."

"Right, right, right," I muttered, and headed to English.

Where Mike decided to interrogate me. "I saw you give Tyler a ride home yesterday," he said with an air of criminal accusation.

"Well yeah, he didn't have a working car," I pointed out. "Don't worry, I told him I wasn't going to talk to him in school anymore."

His eyes bugged out, as did Eric's, who was pretending not to eavesdrop. "Seriously?"

"Yep." The bell rang before he could say anything else.

Tyler nodded at me in Government, but that was it from him. Jessica found me before Trig and demanded to know what I was doing with Tyler after school. I told her pretty much the same thing I told Mike, and she was likewise flabbergasted.

During class, though, she started passing me notes. _Forget Tyler, someone told me you were talking to Edward Cullen this morning?_

_Yeah, he was concerned about Tyler too, _I wrote back.

_Woah!_ she wrote in reply. _Edward Cullen, concerned about __you__?_

_I think he just hates Tyler, 'cause he's a drug dealer._

_I dunno, I never saw him 'concerned' about Lauren_, she replied.

_Who's that?_

_Soph with Tyler. More or less. But he __totally__ hooks up with any girl who whores for drugs._

I wrote back, _Gross_, with three underlines.

_I know!_ She refused to be distracted though. _So what exactly did Edward say to you?_

_Oh, you know, my dad was the police chief and would be really upset if he knew I was hanging around Tyler, blah blah blah._ Jessica was not getting anything more than that.

_Ugh, self-righteous_. As if she didn't agree. She was simply more concerned about my peers' opinions than my father's.

_Yeah he seems uptight. I have Biology II with him as my lab partner._

_You never told me __that__! _So many exclamation points.

_He never spoke to me before_, _like I said, uptight_, I wrote back quickly, and as she read this note, the bell rang.

"Honestly, having him as a lab partner is just distracting," I told her as we walked to Spanish.

"I can imagine," she sighed. "I think he must like you though, why else would he be all 'concerned' about Tyler?" She used finger quotes.

"If he liked me, he would have exchanged more than two words with me," I argued.

"Maybe he just got jealous when he saw you with Tyler, maybe he didn't realize it before."

I snorted and shook my head. Jessica sensed my mood and changed the subject. "Did you hear about the party?"

"Yeah, Mike mentioned it on the way to Gym…" I trailed off, realizing that Edward picking me up and hovering over me Friday night would probably not convince Jessica that he wasn't interested. "That was something else he mentioned. Edward, I mean."

"He mentioned the party?"

I nodded. "He was worried that Tyler was going to – I dunno, force me to use drugs or something?" I realized how lame that sounded after I said it.

"Wow, he really is self-righteous. It's a party, stuff happens. What is he gonna do, call the cops on Tyler if he shows up with a few joints?"

"I don't think so," I said slowly. "Maybe you're right, I don't know. He just really seems like he doesn't want me doing drugs, that's all."

"Kinda sounds freaky."

We sat down in our seats for Spanish. "Yeah."

Spanish was too interactive to pass notes, so our conversation stalled till lunch. I knew Jessica would find out Friday, so I decided to just tell her when the bell rang. "So Edward said he'd keep an eye on me at the party."

She grinned maniacally. "I bet the drugs thing was just an excuse."

"I think he's serious about it."

She waved that off. "I'm sure he's socially stunted enough to think that's a good way to show a girl you care."

I laughed at that, and we took our seats.

Mike asked, "Who're you talking about?"

"Edward Cullen is after Bella," she said gleefully, staring at Mike.

He glanced at me, biting his lip. "Really?"

"That's what Jessica seems to think," I scoffed. "I don't think he's interested in anyone."

Mike smiled. "Probably a homo."

"No, he was totally after Bella, saying she shouldn't hang out with Tyler, and how Tyler was gonna make her smoke a joint at the party Friday, so he was going to keep an eye out so that wouldn't happen. Doesn't that sound like he's after her?"

Mike frowned. "Yeah," he admitted. He scowled at the Cullens' table. "Or else he really hates drugs."

"He definitely hates Tyler," I confirmed. "He thinks dealers are scum or something."

"And you don't?" asked Angela. "I just thought, I mean, with your dad and all…"

I shrugged. "I've been known to cut loose a few times myself. But yeah, I don't think it's a great idea if I go home all high, Charlie would kill me." That was true, at any rate.

"I don't think Tyler is invited anyway," sniffed Jess. "Dave just likes to drink, he doesn't really want anything else there. And his parents have a very well-stocked liquor cabinet."

The conversation turned fully to the party. Dave's older brother was trying to be a DJ, and Dave was paying him to come home and spin at the party. That sounded pretty hip for Forks. Dave's parents also had a hot tub in the back. His dad worked at the hospital in Port Angeles, which is why the house was so good for parties. I didn't get why his dad commuted so far, aside from property values maybe.

Edward didn't say anything to me apart from "Hey" in Biology, which was fine with me. And apparently fine with Mike. He mentioned it on the way to gym, and I replied that this was why I didn't think Jess was right.

Mike was starting to get on my nerves. I had told him straight up that I wasn't going to date, but the very idea that some other guy might like me appeared to offend him. I decided it was time to intervene.

"You ought to bring Jess to the party," I said.

He started. "What?"

"The party? Friday? I think Jessica would really like it if you offered to drive her over."

He considered it. "Do you have a ride?"

"Yes, like I said, Edward is bringing me." I hadn't said this in front of Jessica, actually.

"He's bringing you?" he almost shouted. But he calmed down. "Yeah, yeah, I guess I'll ask Jessica if she needs a ride."

"Don't tell her I said this, but she thinks you're really cute," I lied.

"She – really? She said that?"

I smiled, and Mike ignored me in a daze for the rest of the period.

**_next time: the party!_**

**_This Chapter puts me over the 10K mark. If you've read this far, please let me know what you think in a review. All criticisms welcome, I'm not a teenage chick. Go for it._**


	8. Chapter 7

**song for this chapter: The Jesus & Mary Chain, "Head On" (had to do an 80s song) www . box . net / shared / mzv19rgonk**

_**chapter 7**_

Thursday was far more normal. All the boys in the Bella Swan Fan Club were cordial but distant. Not super-distant, just giving me space. I did finally notice Lauren – she sat with Tyler during lunch and kept giving me a "just die already" look. She was wearing a plaid shirt with the sleeves ripped off over a thermal long-sleeve underwear sort of shirt, and baggy jeans. She also kept trying to touch Tyler, and he mostly let her, with a long-suffering look on his face.

The other notable lunchtime event was Mike asking Jess if she needed a ride to the party tomorrow. They both played it supercool, she was like "yeah, I guess, why not," and I thanked God I didn't have any more classes with her after lunch. Mike was also beaming the rest of the day.

Jess actually ended up calling me after dinner to gush over it. I was as supportive as I could be, and mentioned that he'd run the idea past me first. Upon hearing this she thanked me profusely. I kept muttering "you're welcome" between mouthfuls of yogurt. She went on for nearly an hour before I made my excuses to hang up the phone.

I hadn't taken any Valium at all that day, and my mind turned to Edward Cullen. It was quite nice to think that he was looking after me the way a boy would look after a girl he liked, but the fact was, I asked him to. I only asked him because I had no other options. Maybe if I'd known people better, for more than a week, I could open up to them. Maybe his sister Alice would be a better person to talk to about it, actually. Unless she didn't know that I knew that Edward knew.

I groaned. The truth was Alice had never occurred to me. Partly because I never spoke to her in my life, and partly because – she was a girl. Edward was first choice because he was stupid hot, and his looking out for me did indeed feel like he was my boyfriend. Not that I wanted an uptight Mormon boy for a boyfriend – I really would expect a hypothetical boyfriend to put out. Pretending was sometimes fun, though.

I "pretended" Edward was my non-uptight boyfriend for a while that night before falling asleep.

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I woke up Friday tense despite the "relaxing" of last night. I took a Valium with breakfast, and it kicked in just as I parked the truck. I didn't care about anything anymore. I was up above it all. Between classes, Jess asked me what she should wear tonight. I told her she should go '80s style with me. I'd bought the outfit at a thrift store last weekend - tights, baggy belted sweatshirt, leg warmers - all vintage '80s. "What kind of shoes do you have?"

She blushed and kicked out a foot. Ballet flats. She was planning on those. I told her they'd work fine with the look, you didn't have to rock the heels if you didn't want to. I personally wanted to; I didn't find heels super-comfortable, but at five-four could care less. I wore heels to every party I could. Besides, I knew they made my legs look great.

At lunch no one could talk about anything but the party. Jess described her outfit (as if it wasn't my idea) much to Mike's delight. I asked Angela if she was going, but she seemed unsure if her dad would let her.

"You totally have to come!" insisted Jessica. One of the boys at our table, Ben something, murmured his agreement, the tips of his ears going red.

"OK, OK," said Angela, flushing.

Now that was intriguing. Ben and Angela? But he was so _short_. Well, he was taller than I was, but not by much, and Angela was almost six feet tall. I didn't say anything though.

Biology was the same as it ever was, except I passed notes to Angela to suggest she use me as a sleepover excuse if she needed to. She was grateful and smiling all class period.

Besides, "hey," and "bye," Edward ignored me. As if he wasn't picking me up for a party tonight.

By the time nine rolled around I was tense as hell. I hadn't wanted to take another Valium, but around eight I snuck one of Charlie's beers. At eight forty-five I brushed my teeth and reapplied my lipstick.

At nine-oh-five the doorbell rang. I yelled, "I got it!" and struggled not to run. Actually, in my black heeled Mary Janes, it was easy not to run. I took a deep breath, then opened the door.

"Hi Bella!" chirped Alice Cullen.

My jaw dropped. "Alice?" She must have overheard Jessica talking about her outfit. "Jesus, you look like Sheena Easton!"

She really did. Her short black hair was fluffed out and sprayed stiff. Not with twenty-first century products, but with Aqua Net. She was wearing a huge yellow sweatshirt with tiger stripes and ripped off collar, and a matching huge yellow plastic belt. Her tights were yellow and black check. And her pumps – genuine eighties _pumps_, yet – were yellow. Her blush was very visible, in smoothed-out triangles on her cheeks, and she had on a ton of eye makeup. Orange eye shadow, purple liquid liner, and so much mascara. And a ton of plastic bangles on one hand, and a Swatch on the other.

"Thanks! You look like Jennifer Beals." She must have meant my hair, which I'd spent hours curling. My outfit wasn't quite as authentic. "Except for the shoes."

"Thanks. Um. Where's Edward?"

Her eyes flashed darkly. "He called in a favor I owed him. He's not coming."

I felt my face fall. "Well, uh, I'm ready to go if you are, just let me grab my wallet."

I told Charlie I was going out with Alice Cullen, but he was engrossed in some movie and said "OK" without even looking at me.

I went outside and into the silver Volvo with Alice. I really hoped my disappointment wasn't too obvious. But, as long as she was here…"So what exactly do you know?"

She started the car and turned down the CD – Nine Inch Nails, rather a counterpoint to our outfits. "Oh, well, Edward told me last week that you – well, that you OD'd and your mom found a bunch of pot and heroin in your room while you were in the hospital. And that yesterday, you asked him to sorta act like an AA sponsor? Make sure you wouldn't do drugs?"

"Yeah, but he didn't tell you everything," I said, taking a deep breath. I pulled off my coat, and took off my left arm warmer. At a stoplight, I turned on the overhead light and said, "This is what he didn't tell you."

"Oh my God, Bella," breathed Alice.

"My first boyfriend dumped me and I was totally devastated." I tried to keep my voice level and failed.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," she murmured, and squeezed my bare hand.

"Thank you," I whispered. I breathed again. "So where's Jasper tonight?"

"Huh. Who knows," she sniffed.

"I'm sorry, I thought you and he were – I mean, like Rosalie and Emmett?"

"Oh, no, we aren't. Not that I wouldn't want to be, but he thinks we should wait till he moves out," she muttered.

"That doesn't sound unreasonable. Um, isn't it weird though?"

She laughed. "Jasper and Rose didn't live with us till I was already twelve."

"Oh! Oh, ok." That made it decidedly less creepy. "What about you?"

"Edward and I were very young when our mom died, we don't really remember her. We're fraternal twins. Emmett was living with our father, but he was completely out of reach at the time. We didn't even know he existed till our dad died when Emmett was ten, and we were eight."

I nodded slowly. "And you and Edward are the only Mormons?"

"Right. Our parents weren't, but Esme and Carlisle are. And the Hales weren't either. Esme converted when she got married I think. But we all go to Port Angeles every Sunday. That's the nearest ward."

"And do you really believe in that stuff?"

She sighed. "I don't know really. Edward and Jasper had a rebellious period a couple years ago, and it really upset me at the time, but lately I'm wondering just how much of it is just what I was taught."

"Hmm. I personally see no reason to believe in a higher power."

"But don't you think you survived for a reason?"

"Uh, yeah, the reason was that I took too much dope to have much blood loss," I said bluntly.

Alice didn't say anything else for the rest of the drive, except "We're here."

_**author's note: NEXT TIME is the party. I just had the Flashdance imagery in my head, and had to get this out first.**_


	9. Chapter 8

**Since it's a party, there's THREE songs to listen to!**

**Miss Kittin - Frank Sinatra www . box . net / shared / z67xxhpllc**

**The Rapture - House of Jealous Lovers (Morgan Geist Remix) www . box . net / shared / 93lnf7xcgm**

**BT - Shame .net / shared / jz5qc58vcz**

_**chapter 8**_

As we walked up to Dave's house I struggled with disappointment. I barely noticed the house, but Alice started yammering about how horrible McMansions were (even though it was the biggest house in the neighborhood), and how Esme designed their house, to look like people enjoyed living in it, not like it was some kind of showing-off for the neighbors. Her speech was right on the money. The house was big and blah.

When we got inside, the DJ was playing something that sounded like Tangerine Dream – adult contemporary for the Matrix set. Inoffensive but sway-able. The interior was all white walls with only family portraits dotting them. Alice just muttered, "Ugh," and shook her head. She was right, the place looked like nothing more than a model home. Except for the glass table behind the couch where the DJ was set up. She touched a wistful finger to the edge of it, but then moved on.

Mike and Jessica were in the kitchen, and a few other kids I recognized. Jess hugged me hello and said hi to Alice, introducing herself and every single person in the kitchen. Alice shook all their hands, then Jess, damn her, asked her where Edward was. "He called in a favor," was all she would say.

I told Alice that I was planning on having no more than two drinks. She wrinkled her nose at me, clearly disapproving, but said she wouldn't stop me. So I poured my first one, orange juice and vodka in a bright red punch cup. I planned to slowly sip it as a prop most of the night.

I wandered around with Jess. She'd been there before so gave me a tour. First floor, kitchen, living room. Second floor, two kids' bedrooms and a master bedroom, a kid bathroom and a master bath. There was a hot tub out back made of cedar. It was big enough for four comfortably or six uncomfortably, although no one had touched it yet. There was a portable stereo next to it playing some kind of smooth jazz; I guessed it was supposed to be sexy, but it did nothing for me. I decided to ask the DJ later if he had any Explosions in the Sky, at least to put on outside.

Jess told me that some people were smoking pot in the garage, but just as she was finishing her sentence my wrist was grabbed – by Alice, who'd been nowhere a second ago.

"Not for our little Swan," she giggled. "Come on, let's go in and try to get the DJ to play some dance music." We nodded and followed her in. We watched her talk to the DJ and less than a minute later, a Madonna remix was playing. Alice started dancing all alone, oblivious to stares. I saw Angela and grabbed her with one hand, Jessica with the other, and pulled them towards Alice. They got the hint and we all started dancing together. Before the song ended, most of the rest of the girls were dancing too.

Dancing is the only reason I ever go to parties. If the songs are no good, I put on my own iPod and lose myself. Forget everything about being human except for the primal movement. Only connected to the music, nothing else. I have very seriously felt something like religious ecstasy while dancing, and this is before I'd ever even taken any drugs. I tend to not see the point, since the dance gets me so high already. And this DJ was good – or maybe Alice had instructed him well. At any rate, I was gone. My earlier disappointment about Edward was forgotten for the dance.

It must have been an hour later when I stopped to go to the bathroom. Angela followed me; Alice and Jessica had apparently stopped long before. We snuck into the master bathroom after seeing the other lines. I peed first; Angela graciously turned her head.

"So, no Edward, huh?"

"Apparently Alice owed him a favor," I said, failing to keep the bitterness out of my voice.

She nodded slowly. "Sorry about that, Bella." I finished up and flushed.

"It's ok. I'm having a good time." We smiled at each other. "How, um, how about you?"

She knew what I meant. "Ben just got here. He waved at me while I was dancing, then he went to get a drink."

I turned away while she took care of her business. "Do you want me to go with you?"

"Yeah, that would be – I'd appreciate that."

"You don't drink, do you?"

"No, my dad's a minister and would die." I heard the flush and turned around again.

"I have some Valium if you want…"

She seemed taken aback. "You do?"

"That and Prozac, but I don't think you want that," I chuckled.

"Oh. Gosh. No, I think I'll be ok." She washed her hands and then we went back downstairs, to look for Ben. I decided to take the lead and introduced myself, then Angela. He seemed a little shy, muttering he knew who we were, but he didn't seem to want to end his handshake with her. Finally he asked if she wanted a drink, and she stammered, "A rum and Coke? But easy on the rum, I'm, I'm driving."

I grinned and gave them a little space. Not so much that Angela felt abandoned, but enough so that she didn't feel smothered. It was amazingly adorable to watch her and Ben stumble through conversations. Thankfully, after they each finished one drink, they were far more at ease. I asked the two of them if they'd care to dance a bit, and they agreed, setting down their drinks. I asked the DJ to put on something a bit sexier, and he said OK: Kings of Leon, "Sex on Fire." They kept touching each other, shoulders and wrists accidentally-on-purpose during the song, and when it ended, he took her hand and guided her to the couch, picking up their drinks on the way.

One of the big easy chairs was open, and not too close to the couch, so I sat in it, smiling at Angela when I could catch her eye. She was radiant, and I was thrilled on her behalf.

As soon as I thought it was ok to leave them alone, I went to the bathroom again. This time I saw Jessica first in line, and as soon as the door opened, she yanked me in with her. Apparently Mike had kissed her on the balcony, and she was freaking out.

"I mean I just said I had to go to the bathroom!"

"You are in the bathroom," I pointed out. She didn't seem to care if I turned around or not while she sat on the toilet.

"I was just so nervous. I haven't kissed a boy in like, forever."

"It's like riding a bike." Was it? I didn't know. I didn't like to think about the last time I'd kissed anyone. _Ugh._

"I don't know, making out at a party is like, a little crass? Don't you think?"

"Beats a back seat," I pointed out. She barked a laugh; she must really have been nervous.

"Oh God, why did I run away? He probably thinks I hate him now!"

"He probably just thinks you had to pee. Do you want me to go find him?"

Jessica stood up, flushed, washed her hands, and adjusted her outfit. "No, but come with me when I go, ok?"

"Sure, just let me go first." After I relieved myself, we went downstairs to the kitchen, where Mike was talking to Eric and having a beer.

"Hey Mike!" I called out.

"Hey Bella," he returned. "Hey Jess."

"Hi," she said in the quietest voice I'd ever heard out of Jessica. "Do you want to go back outside?"

He broke out into a smile; clearly he'd been a little concerned. "Sure." He put his hand on her shoulder, grabbed her a beer, and led her out back. I got myself a beer and was about to take a sip when Alice swooped in, snatching it from me.

"Hey, that was mine!"

"Was that honestly your second drink?" she demanded.

"Honestly!"

She shook her head. "Don't waste it on a beer then." She passed the beer to the next person who walked in, then poured me a coke. "Here, just drink this and dance with me," she pleaded, tugging me back to the dance floor.

"All right, all right," I groused, but I couldn't stay mad for long, the DJ had just put on my favorite BT album and I had to dance. Alice danced alongside me, showing off some goofy raver moves and pretending to blow a whistle. I got back in the zone, oblivious to all else, for the duration of the album. Bliss.


	10. Chapter 9

**song for this chapter: Led Zeppelin, "Good Times, Bad Times" box . net / shared / hss2tao4dv**

_**chapter 9**_

On Saturday, Jessica came over around 3pm to do Trig. At least, in theory, that was the plan, but we ended up talking about the party. She filled me in on the highlights after I left: apparently the DJ "brought drugs!" (cocaine) and shared it with some of the senior girls.

"I mean they were totally shameless, just poured it right on that glass tabletop. Some of them even let him snort it off their boobs!" she exclaimed. "It was sooo tacky. Do you think that's what they do in Seattle? There's no way I'm going to UW if that's what goes on there."

"I doubt it, coke is pricey," I said nonchalantly. Then I realized what I was saying. Oops. "I thought your parents went to Washington State anyway."

She nodded. "Yeah, they want me to go too. I guess I will."

"Whatever, come on, tell me what happened with Mike," I urged her.

She blushed. "Well uh… some of us uh… stripped to our underwear and got in the hot tub. Just girls I mean. We squeezed in like seven of us, so no boys could. But, you know, of course they were hanging around the edges." The hot tub was the type that stood solo, not put into a deck, so people could walk right up to it. "And Mike came up behind me and kinda gave me a shoulder rub, you know. And uh…" her face got even redder, "he tried, you know, to grab – at my bra."

"Wow."

"Yeah, I mean, I pushed him off - because of all those people, you know."

I grinned at her. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, he wants to take me out Monday. I mean he wanted to go out today but I lied and told him I was busy till Monday."

"Awesome," I whistled.

"So did Edward really ditch you?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, he did not ditch me. He told me Alice would be taking me just before Bio ended," I lied.

"But he didn't say why or anything?" I shook my head. "Hmmm."

"Who knows what goes on in the mind of Edward Cullen. Let's get back to homework."

But Jessica would not be deterred. "Alice seems cool though."

"Yeah, she's ok. She covered for me in front of Charlie. She's not into drinking or anything either, but she was ok with me having a few."

"Wow. That was the first party any of the Cullens ever went to, you know."

I frowned. "Really?"

"Yeah. I was pretty surprised to see her, but she seemed to have a good time."

"Yeah, I think she did."

"Did she mention why she didn't bring her boyfriend?"

I sighed. "Her and Jasper aren't together."

"They aren't? Oh. I just thought – oh. Huh." She seemed more confused than ever. I explained that Alice and Edward and Emmett hadn't lived with the Hales till they were twelve and thirteen, but that didn't appear to erase her confusion. I decided to drop it and work on Trig, but that was when the phone rang.

"Swan residence."

"You didn't call me last night, I'm crushed." Tyler.

"Oh, hey. Look, now's a bad time, can I call you later?"

"Sure."

But I didn't.

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Monday morning Alice spoke to me before English, just a simple, "how was the rest of your weekend" thing, but I was so surprised I just stammered out "Fine" before the bell rang. And then she sat with our group during lunch. Everyone was mildly surprised but let it go. Everyone talked about the party, who got with whom and who got stupid drunk and that kind of thing. I'd already heard it from Jessica, so I tried to just talk privately with Angela. Like Jess, she had had a nice time with Ben, albeit more chivalrous. After getting over the height thing, I was happy for her.

In Bio Edward said "Good afternoon, Bella," like he always did, but I ignored him.

"Good afternoon," he repeated. "Bella?"

I didn't even look at him till he put his hand on my shoulder. "Excuse me," I said icily, and pulled his hand off me. The bell rang and we sat down.

"What is wrong with you?" he whispered.

I couldn't believe it. "Where the fuck were you Friday?" I whispered back.

He seemed startled. "You – you're mad at me because I didn't go to that stupid party? Didn't Alice watch out for you?"

"You said _you _were going to. I didn't think you were _lying_," I hissed.

He didn't say anything else for the rest of the period. I heard him writing, though, and when the bell rang he said, "Here. I'm sorry," and handed me a note folded into an origami swan. I unfolded it as I walked to gym, nearly tripping on the way.

_Bella –_

_I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that you took me at my word, rather than the spirit of our arrangement. I wanted you to be safe, and thought you'd be a lot safer with Alice than with me. Please don't hold that against me. I do apologize for any misleading that I did, but in all honesty, it was decided to have Alice take you only minutes before you saw her on Friday night. Otherwise, I promise, I would have told you ahead of time. I usually am a man of my word, and I feel terrible that you now think I am not. I hope you can forgive me._

_Edward_

I read it, standing there, over and over again, past time for gym to start.

"Bella?"

I whipped my head around. "Hi Tyler."

"You look like you're in a bad mood."

"I am in a bad mood," I snapped.

He pulled out a cigarette pack and showed me three rolled joints within. "Wanna come to my car?"

"You got a new one?"

"In a manner of speaking. You in?"

I crumpled the note and tossed it in the trash. "Sure thing."

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Tyler's "new" car was a twenty-year-old Nissan. "My connection got it for me. He's letting me pay him off, since I can't exactly drive to Portland otherwise." He gave me the joint and lighter to start. I lit up and sucked in and handed it over.

When I couldn't hold it anymore, I exhaled, coughing a bit. He handed me an unopened bottle of Gatorade. "Thanks. So you drive all the way to Portland to get stuff?"

"Most of the time, yeah. Sometimes he FedExes stuff to me, but not that often, 'cause I have to pay for the shipping. When I drive, I get a rideshare off Craigslist, so that covers gas, even if I have to pick up someone in Auburn or whatever."

Puff, puff, pass. "That's a clever arrangement," I admitted. "Do you sell enough in Forks to get by?"

"Nah, but people come to me from thirty miles north or south. I actually sold stuff to Daniel White for that party Friday."

"You mean Dave?"

He shook his head. "His older brother, the DJ."

"Oh. Right. Somehow I thought he'd gotten his stuff in Seattle."

"Nah, he totally forgot about it till he got to Forks. Dave called me around eight Friday to hook up."

I considered telling him the truth – he clearly was wondering why I didn't call him back at all. "I really shouldn't be doing this, you know."

He smiled. "Of course not. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone."

"I better get back to my car before last period ends, in that case."

"Sure," he agreed, and opened my door for me. "See you tomorrow."

I was so stoned that I drove about 20MPH home.

When I got home, the phone was ringing. I picked up without thinking that I wasn't supposed to be home already. "Swan residence," I said in a goofy voice.

It was Mike. "Bella? Are you ok?"

"Oh yeah, I'm fine." I tried not to laugh.

"Good, when you disappeared after Biology, I kinda got worried…"

"I'm just dandy, Michaelangelo," I giggled. "I tripped on the way and the nurse said I should sit out for the day."

"Oh, ok." He sounded relieved. "It's not serious though?"

"Nope, I'll be back tomorrow, getting my ass handed to me in volleyball, don't worry."

He chuckled. "See you tomorrow, Bella."

Less than a minute later the phone rang again. "Hello?" I said, my good mood starting to disappear.

"Bella! You really should get call waiting you know," said Alice.

I sighed. "Alice, how'd you get my number?"

"That's a long story. Involving a phone book."

"Very funny. What's up?"

"Your truck wasn't in the parking lot, and you were obviously there earlier so…"

I repeated the same story I gave Mike.

"Um. What about Edward?"

"What about him?" I'd forgotten how mad I was at him, but the sound of his name snapped something in me again. "Did he tell you to call me?"

"Ummm not exactly?"

"Well, you can tell him to go to hell. Or heck, or whatever you Mormons call it." The living room phone was an older model that lacked some essential functions of the one upstairs, but being able to slam it down right then more than made up for it. I thought for a minute, then picked it up off the hook, and went upstairs to try to enjoy the remnants of my marijuana high.


	11. Chapter 10

_**tyler says: listen to Wolfmother, Dimension! **_**Box . net / shared / si89cbnd1h**

_**chapter 10**_

The rest of the week I ignored Tyler mutually, and Edward was polite but distant. No sharing tidbits in Bio. Alice meanwhile apologized for her "stupid brother" and hung out with me. I mean, at lunch, and then after school, she'd ask to come over to do homework after dinner. It was a little weird but she never mentioned Edward. On Thursday, though, she mentioned Jasper.

A lot.

Apparently – contrary to what those brother-sister incest wank stories I read claimed – living with someone you were attracted to sucked. Even Emmett and Rosalie had to "be good." But it was worse for Alice, she said, because Jasper wouldn't cross any lines at all. Emmett and Rose couldn't go very far, being in a Mormon household, but at least they knew where the other stood. Jasper didn't even do brotherly hugs anymore.

"And that's really why I'm here," she concluded after her tearful rant. "It's just too hard being in that house with him all the freaking time."

"I'm sorry," I said. I didn't know what else to say. I'd had unrequited crushes, but I'd never had an (apparently) requited crush that never went anywhere because of my boyfriend's religion. I'd heard of guys complaining about girls not letting them get past first or second, or third base even, but never that they couldn't even get to first. I hadn't paid enough attention to the Mormons back in Phoenix to know if this was normal or not. Well, of course, living with a potential significant other was not typical. I secretly wondered just how "good" the other couple there was being.

"It's ok. It's good to get out. And I like hanging out with you. You've heard of Dolce and Gabbana, even if you don't own any," she chuckled.

"Is that really it?"

She shrugged. "I really hate Jessica Stanley," she confessed, "and she's like the head of the popular girls."

"What did she do to you?"

"Well, she's kind of annoying in general, and she says 'omigod' all the time, but I didn't really start hating her till um. She basically started stalking Edward, sort of. Like, she wanted him to ask her out, so was just up his butt all the time? Instead of just asking him out in the first place? Anyway. Even if Edward dated non-Mormon girls, I don't think she's his type."

Oh. He doesn't date outside of his religion. Hm. "What about Angela?"

"She seemed nice but … her dad's a minister."

"Is that bad?"

"It sort of freaked me out when I heard. I kind of reacted badly. Anyway. It was easier to just hang out with my family last year."

I didn't understand. "Why did it freak you out?"

"Our bishops don't do it for a living," she explained. "They're called from the congregation and perform the calling for a few years, then someone else will get called. Right now Bishop Marcus, he's a dentist in Port Angeles."

"Huh." I sort of remembered hearing something about that. "So that freaked you out?"

She cringed. "I only knew about televangelists before I met Angela, honestly. I kind of made that comparison and uh, she's been kinda cold to me since."

That certainly explained some of the coolness since Alice started hanging around me. "Well, look, why don't you and me and Angela and Ben go roller skating tomorrow, and smooth things over?" Angela had already invited me; she didn't want the hassle of her parents knowing she was dating a boy yet, so she was driving me to the rink and meeting Ben there. I explained this, saying she should just drive herself, and she agreed happily.

The roller skating went ok. Alice apologized for hurting Angela's feelings last year, and we all skated together. Alice was much better at it than the rest of us, executing perfect twirls and other tricks like skating backwards. It was almost more fun watching her than skating myself. I mean, I was ok at it, as long as I kept a steady speed, not too fast; otherwise I was liable to fall.

And then, watching Alice leap rather gracefully around a turn, I did indeed fall. Right smack facedown, scraping my knees and elbows. I also got a bloody nose. Alice and Ben got to me first and exclaimed over me, pulling me off the side. One of the workers came over with a first aid kit. "My dad's a doctor!" proclaimed Alice and took over. Angela had come over by this point. She started to help Alice clean up my wounds while I was leaning forward with my nose pinched to stop the bleeding.

"I'm going to drive you home," announced Alice. "Carlisle can look you over, make sure you don't have a concussion."

I wanted to protest, but my head hurt so badly. "Can he give me something for the pain?"

Alice gave me a look. "All you need is Advil." She and Angela helped me up, and Angela and Ben walked me to the Volvo. Alice thanked the two of them for a lovely time, buckled me in and started the engine.

"I'd really rather go to the ER," I said. "I mean, what if I do have a concussion? Carlisle can't x-ray me."

She sighed. "You're right, but we'll go back to Forks."

So we did. Forks wasn't Phoenix; when I told them I was Bella Swan, they said "Oh, Charlie's daughter!" and got me in right away. I didn't have a concussion, but they did give me a Percocet for the pain. "Just the one," the doctor said, examining my chart. "Who are you seeing right now?"

"Uh, no one," I admitted. "My psychiatrist in Phoenix moved away in December, and I was responding well to the Prozac and Valium, so I uh, didn't ever get a new one."

"You should at least see a GP, in case you do start having side effects," he admonished. "Your father started seeing Dr. Cullen after his GP passed away. I'll put him for your primary physician."

Finally I was let go. Alice had been joined by Charlie while I was being seen to. "I'm fine Dad," I insisted.

He squeezed me and told me he loved me and I felt a bit embarrassed. Alice said she'd talk to me later, and Charlie drove me home. "Third car I've been in tonight," I joked.

"I wish you'd be more careful, Bella."

"I fall sometimes."

"I know," he sighed. "You get that from me. Renée used to tease me that I was epileptic."

"Very funny."

"Jessica Stanley called while you were out. Wanted to go to a movie tomorrow."

I called her as soon as I got home and told her I was in. She said Mike was going as well. I therefore invited Alice, so I wouldn't have to be a third wheel. Alice wasn't as interested in making up with Jess, but I pointed out she wouldn't have to speak with her during the movie.

In fact no one spoke during the movie. She and Mike made out, but really very little compared to, say, some of the teenagers in the back row. Alice came home with me afterwards and complained about it anyway.

"I mean what's the point of going to a movie if you're just going to suck face?"

"It's dark and semi-private. If you don't have a car, where else can you go?"

She made a face. "It seems kind of gross anyway." She had of course never kissed anyone.

I tried to explain. "The tongue has more tactile sensation than anything besides the, uh, genitals. It gets very sexy very fast."

"Yeah, I guess." She didn't seem convinced. "It's on the no-list anyway. Frenching."

I tried not to giggle. "No sex before marriage means no _kissing_ before marriage?"

"I'm not sure where those lines are," she admitted. "I'm pretty sure you can make out if you're engaged. But it's still not a great idea, because it leads to sex."

I rolled my eyes. "I've made out with boys, and I'm still a virgin."

"How far?"

"How far?"

"How – how far did you go? Was it easy to stop?"

"Sometimes it wasn't," I conceded. "But on the other hand, James never pushed me." That was sort of annoying, honestly; sometimes it felt like he didn't really want me that much. And I guess in the end, he hadn't. "We didn't go that far. He got my shirt off a couple times. That's about it. We spent more time getting high than making out, I think."

"Ha, so drugs are good for something!"

I threw a pillow at her. She pretended to shriek, then said she probably ought to get home anyway.

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The next week was rather similar. Another fake date with Angela and Ben Wednesday, another movie with Jess and Mike Friday – and on Thursday, I skipped gym to smoke out with Tyler and listen to Zeppelin CDs in his car. All except for the last involved Alice. The rest of February went on like this. Once a week something with Angela and Ben; once a week something with Jess and Mike; most of the week, Alice; and once a week, getting high in Tyler's car.

I had told no one about getting high with Tyler. I didn't think once a week was anything worth mentioning. I bet even if I did tell Jessica she wouldn't have been alarmed. Well, if I had just mentioned offhand that I was smoking pot once a week, not that it was with Tyler during Gym.

Mike was starting to get suspicious, though. The last week of February, the day after a session with Tyler, he walked me to Gym and asked where I was yesterday. I simply said "It's healthy to ditch once in a while."

I wasn't prepared for what happened later that Friday, though.


	12. Chapter 11

**this song is for Alice: "Keep Your Eyes Ahead" by The Helio Sequence, box . net / shared / 65tierch1a**

_**chapter 11**_

For the first time in a month, I had no plans on a Friday night. It was going to be great; I was going to draw a hot bath and read some Jane Austen and do nothing else. But just as I was running the water, the doorbell rang.

It was Alice, crying more than I'd ever seen her cry.

I brought her up to my room. Grabbed a bottle of water and a roll of paper towels from the kitchen. Waited till she could tell me something of what was wrong.

It took a while.

"Jasper's getting baptized," she sniffled.

I had to admit, I didn't see why this upset her so. She must have seen my bafflement, so she added, "And he turns nineteen in September."

I still felt like I was missing something.

"Bell-_a_! He's going to have to go on a mission! I won't see him for TWO YEARS!" she wailed. Her calm was totally evaporated. She was outright _bawling_, now. I tried to think of what I knew about Mormon missionaries. It wasn't much, mostly learned from Orson Scott Card and _Orgazmo: _boys left home at nineteen to go on missions spreading the LDS faith to nonbelievers for two years. Mostly they went to third world countries, but sometimes they were sent to less-Mormon areas of America.

"So, he's getting baptized and is going to therefore go on a mission when he's nineteen?" I asked, when she was a bit calmer again.

"Y-yeah."

"And you won't see him for two years, and he won't date you till the summer?"

She shook her head. "Now he says we shouldn't date at all, because it'll just make it too hard to say good-bye."

"Fuck me. Uh, sorry."

"No, you're right. FUCK ME!" she yelled, then covered her mouth. "Ugh. I didn't mean it."

"I think you did."

She nodded, biting her lip. "I hate this so much!"

"Do you want a Valium?" I asked her. She looked at me like I was insane. I rolled my eyes and pulled one out of my nightstand. "Seriously, take it. You'll thank me."

She looked at me suspiciously, then at the pill with the V cut out of it. "I thought you had a problem with drugs."

"Christ, my mom found pot and heroin in my room. I'm _prescribed_ these by a _doctor_. "

She grabbed the pill and a glass of water off my nightstand and swallowed it, squeezing her eyes shut. "I'm telling Edward," she warned.

"That you took drugs you weren't supposed to?"

"No." She wiped her nose. "That you take Valium."

"Jesus Christ, go ahead," I exclaimed. "I didn't buy these from Tyler, I got them from a pharmacy!"

She sighed. I thought she was about to start again, so I asked if she wanted some ice cream. She nodded, and I ran downstairs and grabbed some Tillamook Strawberry and two spoons. Her eyes glazed over at the quart-sized container in my hands, but she started eating, albeit a bit mechanically.

"Do you ever watch Lonely Island?" At her blank stare, I pulled out my laptop and searched YouTube for "Dick in a Box." She gasped a lot, even though it was the edited-for-TV version, but was smiling by the end of it. I played "I'm on a Boat" for her next, and then the longer stuff from the website. By the time we'd finished the first couple episodes, the drugs had clearly kicked in. She was having trouble keeping her eyes open.

I tucked her in my bed, then went into the bathroom to see if I could salvage my bath.

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Alice woke me up the next morning with a girlish shriek. "Stop it!" I begged.

"Bella, what, what happened?"

"You came over crying over Jasper and I gave you a Valium to calm you down."

"Oh." She lay back down, blushing. "I forgot."

"S'ok." I yawned. "I guess I'll go make coffee. Want some?"

She shook her head, frowning. I put on my robe, went downstairs and brewed the coffee. Alice came down shortly after, asking for some milk. I told her to help herself and sipped my coffee. We sat in silence, drinking our respective beverages.

A glance out the window told me that Charlie was already out, either at work or fishing.

"So, um, do you want to do anything today?"

She raised her eyebrows. "Do you want to come to Portland with me?"

"What for?"

"Shopping," she said as if I was an idiot to ask. "There's no sales tax in Oregon, so I prefer it to Seattle most of the time."

"Isn't it twice as far?"

"If you drive south to I-5 not really. It's a little farther but like I said, no sales tax. I'm gonna drop a grand so it's worth it."

I shuddered at the notion that someone could spend a thousand dollars on clothing. "No thanks."

"I'll buy you something if you come with me," she pleaded.

"I really appreciate it, but I think Charlie would kill me if I went to Portland for the rest of the weekend."

"We'll be back by tonight. I've got the Miata."

I looked out the window till I saw the sporty red coupe. "I'll take you up on that when the weather's nice, but not today." I struggled with finding the most tactful way of saying _you ruined my Friday_. "I kind of wanted time to myself today."

"Oh, gosh, I didn't think about that! I just crashed with you yesterday without any warning! I'm sorry Bella!"

"It's ok, you had a problem, and I was glad to help," I said honestly. "Enjoy your shopping."

She smiled and put her milk down. "I'll get you something anyway, to make up for it. I'll come back tomorrow night, we can do homework together."

"Sounds like a plan."

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Charlie apparently had been fishing. He came home just as it was starting to get dark, along with a few pounds of salmon and Billy Black. And his son, whose name I couldn't remember.

"Jacob Black," he announced as he shook my hand. "How's the truck treating you?"

"It's fine," I replied. Billy and Charlie put on a basketball game, while I went into the kitchen to figure out what to do with the fish. "Need any help?" asked Jacob. "I already cleaned and gutted most of them, but…"

"Sure, just help me put it in the freezer. Leave out enough for us all for tonight. I mean, if you guys are staying for dinner."

He chuckled, obliging. "If you can cook, sure. I know our dads can't."

"Thanks for cleaning them, I really hate that part."

"No problem." He was quite close to me, and I realized that even though he was only like fourteen, he was kind of handsome. Not like Edward Cullen, but dark and handsome. "Thanks for taking the truck off our hands, Dad wouldn't let me work on another car till we got rid of it."

"It runs great, why don't you like it?"

"Have you ever tried going over sixty in it?"

"No."

"Good. Don't," he grinned.

I asked him about cars, and he talked a little about the Volkswagen Rabbit he was working on. He didn't go in-depth, sensing I was out of my league.

"So are Rachel and Rebecca around?"

"Nah, Rach got a scholarship to Washington State, and Becky married a surfer and lives in Hawaii."

"Damn, they're only a year older than me."

"I know, _you're_ only a year older than _me_," he noted. He smiled at me when I put the fish in the oven to bake, and I thought _Not this again._

"The fish'll be ready in an hour, why don't you go watch the game with the rest of the boys?"

"I'm enjoying the kitchen." He smiled again, not quite leering.

I sighed, but then had a brainwave. "Hey, do you know Sam Uley?" I said in a low voice.

"Yeah, he's a super cool awesome guy. Do you know him?"

I whispered, "No, someone told me he grew his own pot."

Jacob nodded. "Dad used to smoke it right after his accident. I'm not allowed till I'm at least sixteen, though."

So far I liked Jacob a whole lot better than Tyler, so I had no regrets when I asked, "Any chance you could help me out then?"

"Um. I don't know. Can I call you in a few days and let you know?"

I smiled and fluttered my eyes. "Awesome."

We talked about other stuff, Forks, the rez – Jacob told me some interesting tribal myths – while we waited for dinner. He backed off in front of our fathers, but still smiled a lot more than my jokes merited, for instance.

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As Alice promised, she came by Sunday night. The outfit – entire outfit! – that she bought me was rather nice, a fitted ¾ length blouse, v-neck black and red argyle cashmere (!) sweater, matching heather-grey tights. I wore it Monday to Alice's delight.

Not just her delight, actually. A lot of guys who hadn't looked twice at me since my first day were giving me the once-over again. During lunch, especially. Jessica pointed out all the guys checking me out while squeezing Mike's hand. He seemed as though every squeeze was literally paining him.

She and Angela had asked their respective significant others' to the girls' choice dance that was coming up later that month, and Jessica was dying to know whom I was asking. She didn't put it like that during lunch, of course, but that night after dinner, she called up to dish.

"Who are you going with?"

_Crap. Shit. Fuck. Tits. Ass! _"I don't think I'm going to be able to make it," I lied.

"Oh come on, everyone else is going," she pleaded.

"Alice isn't." I wasn't positive about that, but Jessica was the only person I'd heard about it from.

"Everyone _else_," she repeated, as if Alice was no one.

"Who the hell should I ask? Eric Yorkie?"

She snickered at that. "Why don't you ask Edward?"

Not this again. "After he ditched me at that party?" Not that he had been at the party, but she got my meaning.

"I bet Tyler would go with you," she said, still snickering.

"I bet Lauren would murder me."

"Probably," she agreed with what sounded like delight in her voice.

"My dad is yelling at me, I gotta go, talk to you tomorrow," I lied and hung up the phone. I made it upstairs when it rang again, but I didn't answer it. Till Charlie yelled, "Bella! Phone!" that is.

"Hello?" I said guardedly, worried it was Jessica.

"Hey there."

"Jake!"

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Ugh, my friend Jessica was pushing me to ask someone to this stupid dance she's going to in a couple weeks," I groaned.

"A dance, eh?"

I cut to the chase. "So can you introduce me to Sam, or what?"

"You can just come over here and smoke, I talked to my dad and he's actually totally fine with it."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, he knows how Charlie is, and he thinks of you practically like family, so…" He laughed once. "Whenever you want."

"OK, well I can't now, but I'll let you know when," I promised.

He gave me his number and told me to let him know.

"Oh, next Saturday, a bunch of us are going to First Beach. You should come too, with the stuff."

"Sounds great!"


	13. Chapter 12

**song for Bella: Cobra Dukes - Airtight box . net / shared / lev595g336**

_**chapter 12**_

Eric Yorkie cornered me when I pulled up to school Tuesday morning.

"Hey, Bella."

"Eric, what's up?" I asked, pulling my bag over my shoulder. I dimly noted the Cullens pulling up next to me, but Alice just waved and walked away, so I didn't pay them any more attention.

Especially since the next words out of Eric's mouth were, "Uh, I was wondering, if you would go with me to the spring dance?" He ran everything after "if" together as one word.

I glared at him, startled. "Isn't it a girls' choice dance?"

"Uh, yeah," he muttered, staring at his shoes.

"I really wasn't planning on going," I told him. "I'm pretty much not interested in date-type-things right now."

"Oh. Mike said something like that."

"Then why'd you ask me?"

"Well, that was – when you first got here, right? I uh, thought maybe you'd, uh, changed your mind." He hadn't looked up the whole time. He also didn't offer to go as "just friends," which I had to admit I appreciated. There was nothing more annoying than a boy who obviously didn't just want to be friends using that line.

"Sorry, still avoiding it," I said.

"Well. OK. Uh, see you in English," he said, and stalked off.

I sighed. Edward Cullen was still in his car, but he saw me look at him, and jumped out with his bag. I supposed that if he actually was interested in me, I would totally make an exception, but nothing about him indicated his feelings. Anyway, according to Alice, he would only date Mormon girls. So that was that. I definitely wasn't interested in any other guys in the school that I'd gotten to know. Mike had sort of caught my eye, but only in a vague way before I realized Jessica was into him. (To be honest, I'd also found Jasper appealing, but he was so off-limits it wasn't even funny.)

Tyler passed me a note in Government, asking if I was interested in skipping Gym with him today. I thought about it, and wrote back, _OK, but this has to be the last time._

As usual, Edward said "Good afternoon, Bella," to me in Bio, and as usual, I ignored him.

Not as usual, he passed me a note. _Are you ever going to talk to me?_

I wrote back, _I thought it was "safer" not to._

_Are you really __still__ mad about that?_

_Obviously._

It took him about fifteen minutes to reply. _What can I do? I would like to start over and be friends with you, Bella. Are you busy tomorrow?_

_Going to Port Angeles with the girls to pick out dresses for the dance._

_I thought you turned Eric down?_

I snorted; so he'd been eavesdropping. _Moral support for the girls. But I am skipping gym, if you want to talk then._

_I'll leave Spanish early and meet you in the parking lot._

I met Tyler at his Nissan as per usual. "So why is this the last time? Coach getting at you?"

No. "Yeah."

"So this batch is really rough," he warned me. "Might be better if I supercharge you."

I shrugged. "OK." He sucked in on the joint, held it for a mighty long time, then bent towards my mouth. He blew the cloud of smoke over my tongue, and I sucked it in.

The second time he did it, though, he tried to kiss me.

Kissing someone while they have a lungful of smoke is a bad idea at the best of times.

I blew the smoke out and coughed in his face. He backed off. "Are you ok?" I shook my head, still coughing. He pulled out a fresh Gatorade, and I idly wondered how many he kept back there; he seemed to have a fresh one every time.

He waited till I'd finished coughing, then leaned in to try to kiss me again. This time I slapped him. "What the _fuck_, Tyler?"

"I heard you turned Eric down for the spring dance."

"And?"

"I thought it was because of me," he admitted.

I stared at him, incredulous. "But I didn't ask you!"

"I thought you were waiting for me to make a move first."

I unlocked the door. "Grow the hell up, Tyler," I growled, and slammed the door.

As I walked towards my truck, I noticed Edward was already inside his Volvo. I didn't know if he saw me or not, but he opened the passenger car door on my approach. "Hi Bella."

"Hi," I said in a grumpy voice.

"What – what's wrong?"

I folded my arms. "Tyler Crowley just tried to kiss me."

He was staring at me a bit like he had the first day of Biology. His nostrils flared, and he took a deep breath. "I'm guessing you didn't want that to happen."

"Good guess."

"Want to me to kill him for you?" He tried and failed to keep his tone light.

"Not this time."

"So, next time, then."

I had to smile now. "Sure."

"Well. You probably realized at first that I sent Alice to spy on you. But she told me pretty fast that she actually liked you, and wasn't going to report to me all the girly stuff."

My jaw dropped. "I had no idea."

He laughed bitterly. "Oh. Oops."

"She brought me to the party to _spy_ on me?"

"She owed me a favor," he said slowly. "And I didn't trust myself around you."

"I really don't understand what you mean by that. Unless you mean you are an actual serial killer?" I said in a joking voice.

He stared off into space. "No, just a guy. Just a normal teenage boy with a crush on a pretty girl."

My heartbeat seemed to triple. "And Alice was safer for me because of that?"

"Basically. I really do want to punch Tyler in the face right now. And you." He finally turned to me. His eyes pierced right through me. "I'm just jealous that he did what I don't dare to."

"You um." I totally forgot that I was still mad at him. "If you. Wanted." My voice was all breathy; I don't think he heard, and he looked away again.

"Even Eric Yorkie asked you out! But if _I_ was alone with you, I'd destroy your innocence."

That brought me back to reality. "What?"

"But really, I think I can be a gentleman now."

Something clicked in my head with that word. "This is some stupid Mormon thing, isn't it?"

"It's not stupid," he argued, resting his head on the steering wheel. "Do you really want some animalistic man _pawing _you?"

Oh Dear _God_. "Maybe?"

He still seemed not to hear me. "I'm still not sure what I want, exactly, but for now, as I said, I'd like to be friends." He finally turned to me again. "If you can forgive me, maybe someday we'll be more."

Jesus, he was just _smoldering _at me. "Do you want to come to La Push with me on Saturday?" I squeaked.

"Argh. I'd love to, but the Quileutes don't get along with my family. Well, I guess it's sort of Carlisle's fault, but I'd probably get pummeled."

"Why?"

He smirked. "He tried to sell them Mormonism by saying that they were descended from the lost tribes of Israel. Kinda ticked them off."

I didn't really get what he meant but whatever. "Understandable."

"What about that dance? I hear you don't have a date," he teased.

"If - if you want. But that's not till next Saturday."

"Good point. Hm. I think I'll just meet you in Port Angeles and take you to dinner after your dress shopping," he concluded. "I can convince Jasper to take Alice to the dance too. Although I don't think she'll want to go shopping tomorrow. She has a rather low opinion of the shops there."

"I noticed."

He got out of his car, then opened my door. "Until tomorrow then," he said, pressing his lips to my hand and sketching a courtly bow.

"Tomorrow. Right. Bye."

"Have a good night, Bella," he said, smiling, then got back in his car to wait for his siblings.

I took a few deep breaths to calm down. I managed to drive home without wrecking the truck, mainly on auto-pilot. I then made dinner on auto-pilot. When I was done, the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"What did you do? Jasper asked me to the dance!" Alice sounded utterly gleeful.

"Oh, um, Edward thought you'd appreciate it. He and I are going."

She let out a shrill yelp of joy; I had to pull the phone away from my ears. "I'm so glad he finally grew a pair! I kept telling him to just do it."

"Kept telling him? How long has he –"

"Not my place to tell."

I sighed. "I just need time to process this, ok? I'll talk to you tomorrow during lunch if you want."

"Sure thing. Bye!"


	14. Chapter 13

_**song for this chapter: My Bloody Valentine, When You Sleep ( box . net / shared / y0f1ixajgx)**_

_**chapter 13**_

I didn't want to tell anyone about my conversation with Cullen, and Alice didn't sit near me during English, so I just replayed it in my head till lunchtime. He hadn't outright agreed to the dance, but he had asked, albeit in a nonserious manner. I could straighten it out during dinner. I really didn't want to go anyway, but if Alice was going, so would I. I'd even let her buy the damn dress, so I wouldn't have to blow my cover in Port Angeles too early. I mean, Jess and Angela would see him at some point, but for some reason I didn't want to tell them about Edward before the fact. Part of me still wasn't convinced he was going to show, honestly.

Jessica was startled to see Alice grab my wrist and pull me over to an empty table during lunch.

"So what happened?"

I told her about the notes in Bio, and meeting him in his car, and how we were having dinner that night in Port Angeles.

"Good."

I took a bite of mac'n'cheese. "Has he really had a crush on me for a while?"

"I don't know exactly what his feelings are, but, well, yeah, duh."

I swallowed. "He's really acting weird about it."

"Well, yeah, he's never really liked a girl like this before."

"Isn't it weird to talk to me about it? I mean, he's your brother."

She shrugged. "I still love him and want him happy. Just like he wants me happy."

"And you are happy about the dance, I'm guessing."

Her grin spoke for itself. "Going to Portland Saturday to find the perfect dress."

I was about to ask her to get me one too, but I decided to wait till Friday for that. She told me about how Jasper had asked her - he'd first asked her to go for a walk, and they went outside along the river, and he mentioned the dance, and how he'd love to ask her, but it was girls' choice, so then she asked him, and he said he'd be delighted. I'd never heard Jasper talk, but apparently he'd grown up in Texas till he was 15 and still had a bit of a drawl.

We left the cafeteria just before the bell rang, but Edward still smiled and said, "Good afternoon, Bella" before I sat down. I whispered "Good afternoon" back, and his face lit up. Stayed lit up the whole rest of the class, anytime I glanced over at him. He was even more gorgeous like that. Gah.

After school, Jessica picked Angela up, then me, and we drove to Port Angeles. I wasn't super into dresses, but the elegance of these made me take mental notes. I oohed and ahhed over the more flattering dresses, and told Jess at one point, "Mike is gonna shit his shorts." They both giggled at that.

Angela had picked a dress almost as fast as I would have, but Jessica was more picky. The store didn't have that huge of a selection, but it was enough so that Angela and I talked a bit. Ben would be meeting her parents the night of the dance, and she was a little nervous. I pointed out that he was a great guy and they'd most likely love him, which cheered her up.

Finally Jessica went to the checkout counter, and we walked outside. And there on the street in front of the shop was the Volvo, and leaning against the passenger side door casually was Edward. "Hi there, ladies."

"Hi Edward," returned Jessica in a somewhat stunned voice. Angela echoed it. I rolled my eyes and just said, "Hey. Can I get a ride back?"

"Certainly, Bella," he said, opening the car door.

I smiled at the girls and shrugged apologetically. "See you tomorrow," I said.

They were speechless, but Angela finally said, "Sure, see you."

Edward started the car. "You didn't tell them," he accused.

"I wasn't sure you'd show."

"Why on earth would you think that?" He smiled a crooked little grin at me. _Holy shit._

"I uh, I can't remember right now," I stammered. "Oh, uh, 'cause you did it before."

His smile dropped. "I thought you'd forgiven me for that."

"Well, you're here now. Can we have Italian?"

"Certainly." He flipped a bitch in the middle of the street, making me screech just a touch.

"Jesus Christ," I panted.

"Sorry about that, the best place I know is the other way," he apologized. "Anyway it was totally safe, there were no cars coming."

"If you say so."

He was quiet for about a minute, then asked, "Did you find a nice dress?"

"Uh, no, I didn't really see anything I liked. I'll probably just give my measurements to Alice."

He smiled that damnable crooked grin again. "That's probably for the best." He was probably picturing me in some haute coture that Alice would pick out. Maybe he'd get to shit his shorts.

"So how exactly did you convince Jasper to ask Alice anyway?"

He chuckled. "I basically blackmailed him. I'd tell you more, but, well, you know. Not as effective if someone else knows the blackmail material."

"Of course."

"We're here," he said, pulling into an open spot.

The host guided us to a booth, then the waitress came over. She was totally eye-fucking Edward, but was polite enough to me. I ordered chicken Alfredo and he got rack of lamb.

"So how do you like Forks?"

"Well, I'm not crazy about the weather, but I have to admit I'm enjoying myself here a lot more than I did in Phoenix."

"Because of..." He hesitated to go on.

"I think I've been clinically depressed since I was eleven, really."

His jaw dropped and he stared at me. "That's a long time."

I shrugged. "There were brighter spots now and again, but that's when I started crying myself to sleep." I wasn't opening up to Edward, really. I was trying to scare him off. I'd told James the same thing when he first expressed romantic interest in me, but he'd been encouraged to talk about his own black cloud, and we bonded over it.

Edward, though, was clearly not encouraged. But he rallied and said, "And your mom never got help for you? Did she not know?"

"She knew. She just didn't know what to do about it. She thought at first it was because I spent summer away from her, with Charlie, so that stopped. And it kinda helped. But mainly, I had no friends at school, and I was starting puberty and everything shitty in my life was wearing me down. I don't know if therapy would have even occurred to her at that age."

He nodded. "Frankly, Bella, I hope you don't think I'm too much of an ass, but hearing this makes me just a bit surprised that you didn't um, act out till last year."

I actually barked out a laugh at that. "It was just sort of greyness till - till James."

"Your boyfriend. I can't believe you've only had one."

He was trying to flirt but I replied, "Have you had any?"

He shrugged. "When we moved here I met a girl at a church dance. We talked on the phone a lot, but she lived pretty far away, and over the summer she met someone else."

"Oh," I said, taken aback. "What was her name?"

"Carmen Denali," he said. "Her new boyfriend is Garrett. We still talk sometimes, I see her at the dances I mean."

"Oh," I said again, not sure what else to say.

"So how did you and James meet?"

"My Algebra teacher wanted him to get tutoring from me. We were both in honors classes, but he was one of the really popular kids who normally never would have said jack to me. Anyway the tutoring sessions turned into just talking, and he started inviting me to the parties his friends had." I shrugged.

Our food arrived, and he graciously turned the conversation to life in L.A. Apparently Esme'd grown up in this area, and her mother died a few years ago, so the family moved here to care for her father. He died within nine months, but Forks had grown on them, and Carlisle had taken over my father's doctor's practice, so here they were to stay. Esme was an architect and redesigned her childhood home, and now worked in Seattle.

That explanation took over most of dinner, really. In the car, I went through his CD booklet and pulled out the only CD I recognized, _Loveless_ by My Bloody Valentine. I made fun of most of the names of the other bands, and he told me he'd burn me an MP3 CD if I was into Shoegaze. I told him an ex of my mom's had left the album, and a few Mogwai CDs, after they broke up, and I liked that kind of thing.

"Ah, Postrock. I'll pick out some really good stuff for you, don't worry," he promised as he dropped me off.

"Thanks. Um, it's probably better now if you don't come in, my dad's home."

He nodded. "Some other time. I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Night," I said as he opened my car door.

He put his hand on my cheek. "Good night, Bella," he said softly.

I thought for sure he was going to kiss me, but before I knew it, he was gone.


	15. Chapter 14

**song for this chapter: The Avalanches, Frontier Psychiatrist - dl box . net / shared / xzlkngfo8e**

_**chapter 14**_

Charlie said we needed to talk as soon as I got inside. I swallowed, totally about to freak out. My heart rate sped up and I felt light-headed.

We sat at the kitchen table. "Did you have a nice time shopping with Ang and Jess?" he asked.

"Yeah, it was ok." I didn't think he wanted details. "We had Italian afterwards."

"Sounds nice. Listen, I know we haven't really talked about... the circumstances that led to you coming here." He stood up and started to pace, while I tried to take deep, calming breaths. "And I don't think we need to. You've been taking your medications, doing ok in school and obviously you have friends. But I think you should see Dr. Cullen once a month."

I exhaled. "He's not a psychiatrist, Dad."

"I know he's not a proper one, but while things are going well he'll do. And if you start dating again -" He opened the fridge and pulled out a beer. "Well, I'd like a heads up if things are gonna fall apart."

"Daaaad..."

He held up a hand. "I know, it's not like you planned for that boy to break your heart, but if anyone had known things weren't peachy-keen. Well." He sipped his Rainier tallboy.

"So should I make an appointment?"

"I took care of it – tomorrow morning, seven."

I rolled my eyes. "Jesus, could you have made it earlier?"

"I didn't want you missing school. Anyhoo. In return for you doing so well, and agreeing to see Dr. Cullen -" he pulled something out of his pocket, not a gun.

It was a cell phone. More to the point, it was a Blackberry. My eyebrows shot up. "Seriously?"

He smiled at me. "So you can keep in touch with your mom and such. And if you're coming home late, or whatever. And, I know this never was a problem, but just in case, if you have too much to drink ever..."

"Daaad!"

He raised his hands at me. "I'm just saying. Call me for anything."

There was a sticker on the back with the phone number. I memorized it and threw it away, then stood up and walked over to Charlie. "Thanks, Dad," I said, hugging him.

"You are welcome, little girl."

I decided to use the phone to call Angela. She was appropriately excited for me about the new phone, but she was obviously curious about Edward Cullen.

"He asked what I was doing tonight in Bio," I half-fibbed, "and said maybe he'd see me there." That was a good coverup, I decided I'd use it on Jessica too.

"So do you think it was a date then?"

"I think so. He got me to ask him to the dance."

"Oh! Good. I mean it'll be nice if you guys are there."

I told her I should probably get to my homework, and did so. I finished everything up by eleven, then called Jessica on her private cell number. (She wasn't supposed to use it except for emergencies, since she had to pay overage fees, but I figured she'd forgive me.)

"Who is this?"

"Bella's new cell."

"Omigod, Bella!" she squealed. "What the fuck is going on?"

"My dad got me a Blackberry."

"Not that! Edward freaking Cullen! Spill!"

I gave her the same line I gave to Angela. "I didn't think he was serious about it, though."

She gave a breathy sigh. "Wow. That's amazing. He drove all that way!"

I was about to argue that it wasn't that far, but decided against it. "We went to that Italian place on Second, it was pretty good."

"Are you going to see him again?"

In Bio, I wanted to snark. "We're gonna go to the dance. Jasper asked Alice."

"_Wow_!"

"I know."

I mentioned the waitress trying to eye-fuck him and how he ignored her, and she snorted and told me about Mike flirting with a waitress at their most recent dinner.

"Geez, that's kinda tasteless."

"Tell me about it," she yawned. "Gawd, I am so tired."

"Me too. See you tomorrow."

Tomorrow morning I woke up extra early to see Dr. Carlisle Cullen, Edward Cullen's uncle and adopted father. I put on the stupid examining gown and left my socks on.

I didn't actually wait more than three minutes before an amazingly gorgeous male model came in. My breath caught when I realized this was indeed Dr. Cullen. He was about as tall as Edward, and I guessed that the Cullen genes helped the attractiveness factor. I idly wondered if Edward would look that hot when he got older, then smacked myself for thinking that.

"So, Ms. Swan, you're on Prozac and Valium, right?"

"Technically fluoxetine and diazepam."

"Right, right, same thing, better prices," he joked. "And that's working out for you, right?"

"Right."

"Have you been drinking at all?"

"I had two drinks at a party last month, but that was it."

He was taking notes on his little chart-pad-thing. "Anything else at that party?"

"Not at the party."

"Where?" He peered at me over the top of the pad.

I took a deep breath. "I smoke pot once a week with a friend."

His eyes darted back to his notes and he noted it. Probably. "Is that all?"

"Yes, that's all. I don't get super high or anything, and I'm very careful if I drive afterwards," I patiently explained. "Are you going to tell my father now?"

"No, I don't do that. But I am going to tell you that given your history, this isn't a great idea."

God, you get addicted to weed _one time_... "It's a social thing. I'm not buying it and taking it home."

"I understand, Ms. Swan, but I'd be negligent if I didn't tell you this. And I'll admit that it's better than a pack of cigarettes for your health. But it's still easier than you think to get caught up into bad habits."

"Thanks for the lecture." I could have told him that I was done with Tyler, but I did have plans to get high with Jacob Black that very Saturday.

"No problem. Let's see... are you at all interested in birth control?"

Oh. My. God. Tell me my new boyfriend's father wasn't having this conversation with me. (He's not your new boyfriend's father, and he's not your boyfriend, an inner voice sneered.) "Not so much."

"Have you had a pelvic examination before?"

OH. MY. GOD. "No." I stared at the floor. My face felt so hot. "I'm, um, not um, active. Sexually," I muttered.

"OK then, if circumstances change, we can take care of that," he said far-too-cheerfully. "Would you like a pamphlet?" At my headshake, he continued, "We can get a female doctor to take care of that end of things, if you prefer."

"It's _not_ an issue," I repeated. I meant the sex, but he seemed to think I meant the female doctor.

"OK then. And finally, I don't know how wise it is for you to not continue with your talk therapy, but I do have some minor psych training. So as long as you're keeping balanced, it shouldn't be an issue. But the minute your mood starts to alter, you are going to have to resume therapy, understand?" At my nod, he said, "OK then, that'll be all for now, unless you have any actual health issues at the moment?"

"Nope, I'm totally healthy."

"All right Ms. Swan, you can get dressed, and a nurse will see you out."

So, that wasn't so bad, all things considered, I thought as I drove to school.


	16. Chapter 15

_**Author's note: The song for this chapter is Mogwai - Friend of the Night, box . net / shared / lqj47592bb**_

_**chapter 15**_

The routine Tyler and I had established over the past month was simple: he'd leave me a note on my desk in Government – we sat nowhere near each other – asking if I wanted to skip Gym and get baked. I would drop my pencil, trying to get it to fall towards him, and he would return it. If I was interested, I would smile and nod; otherwise I'd shake my head and say _Thanks _when he gave me back the pencil.

Only two days after the kiss attempt, there was one of these notes on my desk. I was surprised for a couple reasons: one, it was only two days later; two, he'd _tried to kiss me_. I almost crumpled the note without even reading it, but curiosity got the better of me.

_No hard feelings I hope. Got a huge shipment in last night, wanna help me test it out?_

I couldn't believe it. I took out my phone and slowly started typing him a text message between the teacher turning to the board and the class.

_Not happening, Romeo. Get over yourself._

I made sure to turn the phone off after sending the message.

Alice sat with her family during lunch, something she hadn't done in a few weeks. That was fine with me, since Jessica couldn't help herself and told our table about me and Edward. I felt extremely warm and uncomfortable when she bursted out, "Guys, Edward freakin' Cullen met Bella in Port Angeles last night and took her to dinner!"

"Why was he in Port Angeles?" asked Kate. I gave her the story about the note.

"Are you going with the dance to him?" demanded Mike; Jessica shot him a nasty look.

"Yeah, why not," I shrugged. "Look, I really don't want to talk about this when he's in the cafeteria, ok?"

They all sort of gave me a weird look; no one had ever let that stop them from gossiping about the Cullens before, after all. Especially since Alice wasn't with us at the moment. But Jessica obliged and started talking about the dresses that she and Angela found. So much for surprising Mike and Ben.

In Biology, Edward said, "Good afternoon, Bella," as always.

"Hello."

After the bell rang, he passed me a CD in a slim jewel case. The card in the cover read _shoegaze, math, & postrock. _I wrote back _Thanks. Do you have a cell phone?_

He wrote back with his number, and I wrote back mine. He shot me that crooked smile, and we took our phones out to program them.

When I turned mine on, the unread message light started to flash. From Tyler, naturally.

_Please let me xpl8n. Call me 6?_

_Fine, _I replied.

After the bell rang, Edward said, "Is it ok if I come by with Alice for the homework session tonight?"

"Uh, yeah, sure," I stammered.

"Great, we'll come by at eight," he smiled.

I changed my clothes in Gym in a daze.

:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:

While the lasagna baked in the oven, I called Tyler Crowley.

"Bella! Hi!"

"What do you want, Tyler?"

"Are you pissed off?"

"Of course I'm pissed off. I thought we were friends."

"We are friends. Friends can't kiss now?"

"Well! according to Lauren Mallory you can."

He laughed. "Lauren is a friend that I kiss, sure."

"And she doesn't think there's more?"

"That's between me and her. Besides, I have tried many times to set that girl straight."

"Well, gee, Tyler, maybe the kisses confuse her. They sure confused me."

"OK, I'll be frank, I wouldn't mind being the kind of friends that kiss with you. Come on, Bella, you know you're cute."

"Cute?" Boys think I'm cute. I have problems coming to terms with this.

"Shit, Bella, you're a hottie, ok? Am I humiliated enough?"

"Not quite."

He sighed. "Yes, when a hot girl has her lips on mine, it makes me think she'd like to kiss me. Apparently I was out of line."

"Tyler! You _only _asked me to supercharge so you could have an excuse to try to kiss me!" I accused.

He just chuckled. "OK, you got me. But yeah, like I said, if you want to do that kind of thing..."

"Tyler, I told you I didn't want to date, right?"

"I wasn't saying _date_, was I?"

"So what, friends with _benefits_?"

"If you wanted. That way you don't have to have _dates _or whatever, we just get high and fool around."

"Isn't that what you already do with _Lauren_?" I asked.

He sighed. "What is your obsession with me and Lauren? Have you ever even spoken to her?"

"I don't need to! She gives me filthy looks every time I see her!"

"Lauren has boundary issues. She wants some boundaries," he chuckled again.

I decided it was time to blow him off with a half-truth. "So, look, I've only had one serious boyfriend, and uh, we broke up because he wanted to go further than I was comfortable with."

Tyler was quiet for a bit. "I'm really sorry I tried to kiss you like that, Bella."

"I accept your apology, but I'm still not interested in kissing you. If I was going to date, it would have to be another virgin."

He was even quieter for even longer now. _Jackpot._ "You're serious. Seriously?"

"Totally."

He let out a big sigh. "Do you still want to smoke out sometime?"

"I really don't think I'd be comfortable doing that."

"Hey, I can control myself," he said indignantly.

"I wonder why I have trouble believing that?"

:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:

After dinner, the doorbell rang. I let Charlie get it while I bit my nails.

"Hi Chief Swan, this is my brother, Edward," chirped Alice.

"Hello, Edward."

"Pleasure to meet you, sir."

"Bella!"

I yelled back, "Living room!"

Everyone came in. I asked Charlie if we could take over to do our homework. He sighed and went into the kitchen to turn on the little TV in there.

Alice and I sprawled out on the floor, while Edward took the couch. For a while, anyway. After about fifteen minutes, he asked me a biology question, and came to see my notes for an answer. I felt flushed as I explained convergent evolution. His head was inches from mine.

"I think I understand now," he said softly. "Thanks." He inched away and continued his work, lying on the floor with the rest of us.

I found it impossible to concentrate, but I hardly wanted to get up on the couch either. I glanced at Alice, but she was absorbed in her Trig homework. So I just took deep cleansing breaths till I felt like I could continue. I picked up my hand in the hopes of smoothing out my hair, but as I pulled it up, it hit Edward's forearm. I gasped when we touched; it sent shivers all over my skin.

"Sorry," I muttered.

"No problem," he whispered, smiling at me again.

I snapped my head back to my notebook. It was just _unfair_ how gorgeous, pretty, delicious, handsome he was. He should have stayed in L.A., where he'd be one of many dazzlingly beautiful people, not standing out so much as he did in Forks. As in my living room. Gah.

I pulled up my other arm to smooth out my hair and finally managed to ignore Edward so I could do my homework.

After about half an hour, Charlie came in and asked if we minded doing that in my room. I said OK, and we gathered all our stuff together. This time, Alice and I started on the bed, and Edward was at my desk. But we hadn't been in there ten minutes when Alice announced she had to use the bathroom.

As soon as she left the room, Edward practically ran and jumped on the bed, displacing my books and papers. "Hey!" I protested.

He grinned at me, then took my wrist into his hand. The shivers returned, and I dropped my pen. "You have such small hands," he said in that soft voice, that _bedroom_ voice, I realized now. He inspected my right hand like it was a rare gem, fingers running over it. I could barely stand it. When the toilet flushed, he kissed the top of my hand, let go, and went back to the desk.

I could hardly breathe.

Every time Alice left the room over the next couple hours – and she left more than once – Edward did something like that. Just with my hands, but that was enough. It was a miracle I got anything done, let alone finished everything.

They left at eleven, which was a bit late for me but, hell, what was I gonna do, complain?


	17. Chapter 16

Stephanie Meyer owns it all, including the dialogue I ripped from Chapter Six of Twilight for this chapter.

_**chapter 16**_

Friday morning, I woke up early enough to see Charlie in the kitchen. He was just pouring his coffee before leaving for work, and he hugged me before he left.

Watching him drive away, I felt totally guilty about fooling around with Edward last night. Not that we had _fooled around_. But it was out of his sister's view, and definitely left the Friends Zone. Part of me wanted to confront him about it, but another part of me liked it and wanted to let it alone. And then there was a part of me that shouted that I couldn't date anyone, my parents would die...

I decided that I could wait a couple days to talk to Edward about things. From all I'd observed from TV and movies, males hated "talking about the relationship." Still, it wouldn't be unfair to draw boundaries, right?

Before lunch, Edward was still politely distant at school, except for smiling at me a lot more than I'd ever noticed before. Every time I glanced at him, he wore that cute-as-hell crooked grin that made me a little dizzy.

I walked up to him in the lunch line. "Hello, Bella," he said nonchalantly.

"We need to talk." I winced at my phrasing; it had just slipped out.

"K, let's find a table." He paid for both our lunches and we sat down.

"So, you said the other day that you wanted to be friends with me?" I said cautiously.

"Uh, yeah, I guess I said something like that. At least friends, I think I said."

"And you weren't thinking that I'd take you at your word?"

He winced this time, since I'd accused him of being untruthful in this way before. "I wasn't trying to - presume, I just – didn't think you'd mind."

"Sometimes I like things that aren't good for me," I said wryly. He chuckled at that and muttered "So say we all" really softly.

"Wait, now I'm not good for you?"

"Can we stick to me not being good for _you_?" he sighed.

I nodded and chewed my roll, trying to think of the best way to put it. "So, I thought you were aware of the last time I tried to have a normal relationship, and how damn well that went. Pardon my French."

"I don't know the details of the relationship you had, but yes, I am aware that it um, didn't end well."

I laughed bitterly. "So you can understand I'm a bit gunshy about dating now."

"I wasn't even thinking about all that," he mused. "It slipped my mind for some reason." He waggled his eyebrows at me, then suddenly stopped. "Uh, sorry. That was stupid."

"I just think that it'll be easier if we are actually just friends. I mean we can hang out a - a lot, but – it'll be easier if we – aren't physical," I finished lamely. "I mean, I figured your religion wouldn't let you do much anyway, but..."

He wrinkled his forehead. "Uh, yeah."

"What?"

He put his head in his hands. "Right. Chastity. Oh yeah." He shook his head, growling to himself. I ate my food quietly till he surfaced again. "Yeah, just being friends works for me," he said in a bright tone that was so different from his previous one, I hardly believed it.

"Wow, are you a rotten liar."

He scowled. "Apparently." I grinned and he stuck his tongue out at me. It was quite long and pink. He could easily touch his nose with it. _Just friends!_ I reminded myself.

"Can we hang out Sunday afternoon?" he asked in a more normal voice. I said sure, and he said he'd call me after church.

:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:

I made sure to text Alice my measurements and typical sizes before she left - she was leaving right after school to spend the weekend in Portland with Rosalie. She and Emmett were going to the dance too, so she wanted to get a new dress with Alice. I was a little surprised Alice had agreed, seeing as how she didn't get along with Rosalie as well as with Edward. I guessed a shopping spree was a shopping spree.

I went to bed early so I would be alert for the day in La Push. I wore my new clothes from Newton's Outfitters - which was were we were meeting up to arrange rides. Mike, Eric, Ben and Conner were there, along with Angela, Jessica, Amy from Gym, Kate, and Jane. Jane and Amy nudged each other when they saw me, and shot me dirty looks.

_Great._

"Hey Bella!" said Jessica. "We're just waiting for Lee and Samantha. Unless - did you invite anyone?" Her eyebrows shot up.

"No," I lied. "Alice is in Portland for the weekend."

"Do you wanna ride with us?" asked Mike. "Lee's got his mom's minivan, but..."

"Sure, that's fine," I said.

Lee brought two extra people, so I wedged Jess between Mike and me in the front of his Suburban. Angela, Ben and Conner sat in the back. We started the short drive to La Push. It was totally gorgeous today, bright and sunny, and the dense forests were breathtaking. As was First Beach. I'd been there before, of course, but not since I was ten. First Beach was mostly stones, with a narrow ribbon of sand along the tide line. It was pretty windy, and Angela told me she'd brought a few kites. I was glad I was wearing my rain jacket when the first wet spray of cold ocean water hit me.

Mike, Eric and Ben started gathering white driftwood - even dragging an old trunk - into a teepee to make a fire. I was glad; the wind was bracing and I was just a bit chilly. The flames were blue, thanks to the dried salt, said Mike. I warmed myself for a bit, then turned to Angela. She had a couple of kites that were a far cry from the diamonds I remembered from childhood. They were shaped a bit like manta rays, four-colored, with two lines each going to a handle. She showed me how to work it, and in a few minutes we both had our kites in the air, small bursts of color against the sky. She had hers swooping around mine like an eagle. I kept giggling, impressed.

Some of the group wanted to hike to the tidepools, but Eric, and most of the girls didn't. Angela, Jessica and I were the only ones who went with the boys. It was beautiful: anemones, crabs, starfish, eel, and geoducks squirting at us. Angela took pictures till we got hungry and hiked back.

When we returned, there were a lot more people. Some of the rez kids had joined us. They had already started cooking hot dogs in the fire, and the boys ran up to grab some before they were gone. Eric started introducing us, but I missed all the names except another Jessica, and Jacob, Billy's son. His hair was in a ponytail today. I sat with Angela and Ben while we cooked our own hot dogs on found sticks of driftwood. They were silent, but in a peaceful way. After we finished our lunch, she lay with her head on his lap, and he played with her hair, totally comfortable, gazing into each others' eyes. I almost felt like I was intruding, so I watched the clouds, and the rest of our group. Some of them had brought surfboards and wetsuits, some were just walking in the surf. Someone had brought a CD player and put on Wolfmother.

As Ben was trying to convince Angela to hike to the tidepools, Jacob walked up to me. "Hey, Bella."

"Hey, Jake."

I introduced him to Angela and Ben, and they were polite and excused themselves for the hike. Some of the other locals and girls in our group went as well.

"So," he said in a low voice, "did you want to meet Sam?" He indicated the oldest of the group, who was building the fire up since everyone was done cooking over it.

"Not right this second."

Jane wasn't far from us, across from the fire, and she called out, "You know Bella, Jake?"

"We've sort of known each other since I was born," he laughed with a smile that touched his eyes as he looked at me.

"How nice." Jane was a small blond girl who looked way too young to be in eleventh grade, but I'd never seen a pleasant look on her face. Even if she laughed, she looked angry about it, and right now she wasn't laughing. Her huge ice blue eyes narrowed. "It's too bad none of the Cullens came, isn't it?" She sure didn't sound disappointed.

"You mean Dr. Carlisle Cullen's family?" asked Sam. His voice was so deep, I felt stupid for thinking of him as another boy or kid.

"Yes, do you know them?" asked Jane in a snide tone.

"The Cullens don't come here," he said in a tone that shut her down. Conner got her attention again, thankfully.

"Geez, that girl's a bitch," murmured Jake. "You don't have to meet Sam now, but I did get some stuff from him. And I brought a pipe."

I grinned. "Let's go for a walk."

Despite my history, I wasn't in fact much of a fan of weed. I liked some of the effects, but hated the way it made me feel stupid. Switching to heroin to relax last year was a rather welcome change, despite the stigma. Smoking with Tyler had changed that, some, since he played Led Zeppelin CDs in his car and forced me to listen to it. I readily agreed that being stoned did have some good points besides the mood change.

Now, it was the same thing, except instead of music, it was the sound of the surf. And everything else about the beach. We were walking north towards the driftwood seawall when I took my second hit. Everything suddenly overcame me, and I said, "Shit man, it's so beautiful here!"

Jake laughed again. "Dude, like, totally," he said in a fake dumb-stoner voice.

I giggled. "Thanks, Jake. Like I said, I don't want Charlie to get wind of this kind of thing. Oh, do I owe you anything?"

"Ten dollars wouldn't hurt, but we can settle up later," he said.

Weed makes me stupid, and tired, and quiet. I didn't say anything, just walked on, enjoying the tranquility. I loved the beach but it was much nicer with just Jake and no one else.

He broke the silence first. "Did you end up deciding to ask someone to that dance?"

I flushed. "Uh, yeah, I'm going with Edward Cullen."

He did a double-take. "Serious?" At my nod, he said, "I thought he wasn't allowed to date non-Mormons."

Despite the cold I was feeling rather warm. "Well, we're just going as friends."

He gave me a look like he didn't believe me. "I didn't realize you were friends."

"I'm pretty good friends with his sister Alice," I protested.

He frowned, looking up at the cloud cover. "It's going to rain soon, we oughta head back." He turned around and I followed him back. I sort of felt like apologizing except I didn't know what I'd done wrong. Finally he said, "Is that why that chick was messing with you?"

I shrugged. "I don't know what her problem is," I said honestly. "Maybe she asked him and he said no, but I don't know."

The silence resumed, and it didn't feel comfortable, but it wasn't long before we were back. It did indeed look like rain, and Mike and Lee were packing up their vehicles.

"It was nice to see you, Jake, let me give you my new cell number," I said, and he smiled again.

_**Theme Song: "Far Away" - Wolfmother **_

_**youtube . com / watch?v=qi4VRNZcP_U&feature=fvsr**_


	18. Chapter 17

_**chapter 17**_

Here is a list of the bands on the CD that Edward made for me, when he heard I liked Mogwai and My Bloody Valentine:

Spiritualized, Massive Attack, Godspeed You Black Emperor, M83, Mono, and Sigur Ros. Wait, no, it's Godspeed You Black Emperor!, and Sigur Rós. I had never heard of any of them, but when I got home from the beach still feeling nice and fuzzy from the pot smoking, I hooked up my stereo speakers to my computer. imported all the folders into Winamp, and let it go. Most of the songs started out slow and sweet but then became louder and harder. I dissolved a Valium into a ginger ale and sipped it slowly over the next three hours, since the weed high wasn't going to last forever. The music made me feel like I was in a pink blanket of noise, an aural comfort to go with the mental comfort of the drugs. I spaced in and out till about six, at which point I figured I ought to go make dinner. I left the music playing loudly, and put in a tape and hit record, so I could have something to listen to when I wasn't with a computer.*

I made chicken fajitas with onions and bell peppers, and chips and guacamole on the side. Charlie came home just as I'd finished and he enthusiastically dug in. He was a bit skeptical about the "green muck," but I'd put plenty of lime juice and salsa fresca in with the avocado mash and he liked it. He asked how my day was. I told him about flying kites with Angela, and mentioned Jacob and some other kids from the rez came by too.

When he finished, he kissed me on the forehead then asked if I could turn down "that noise" from my room. I scowled and said I couldn't hear it from the kitchen otherwise, unless he wanted to do the dishes. He raised his hands in surrender and said he'd do the dishes if I wanted to go upstairs and listen to music more quietly. I was surprised, but hugged him and ran back upstairs.

Side one of the tape had finished anyway. I paused Winamp, hit rewind on the tape to see if I could figure out where it had stopped. I couldn't, really, since I'd never heard any of it before, and even going back five songs, I couldn't connect the last song on the tape with the songs that had played. I then had the brilliant idea to go to the last song I heard in my room and go forward an hour, and then I had it. The tape had cut off about three minutes into the song, so I went about two minutes fifty seconds in, flipped the tape, and hit record on the tape deck and play on the computer.

I then started on some homework, although my Valium-spiked ginger ale didn't make it easy to concentrate on much. Still, the CD had about ten hours of music, and I had started it around 3pm (minus the half hour I went back on for the tape), and it was rather good background music for homework. I mean, it was good to listen to and really get into, but it was mostly slow so it didn't distract if you weren't paying strict attention either. So after finishing the ginger ale, I ended up falling asleep around maybe 10pm with the CD still going.

My cell phone rang in the morning, waking me up. I didn't recognize it at first, because I wasn't that used to having one. (I had had one in Phoenix before all the shit went down, but that had been a few months ago.) "Hello?" I said groggily.

"Hey, Bella, did I wake you?" said the dulcet tones of Edward Cullen.

"Oh, hey, Edward. Would you believe I was up late trying to listen to all of the music on that CD?"

"Really?" He sounded delighted. "Well. I hope that means you were enjoying it."

"Yep." I moved the phone away and yawned. "Aren't you at church?"

"Yeah, but we're about to switch to testimony meeting, so I thought I'd check in with you before that got going. I wanted to take you to lunch after, does that sound good?"

"Sounds great, when will that be?"

"Services are about another hour, then another hour driving back - unless you want to meet at my house?"

"I don't know if I want to meet your family right after you guys come back from church, man."

He chuckled. "OK then, I'll pick you up after I get back to my car. Don't eat anything," he warned me.

"I might have a piece of toast, is that ok?"

"Yeah, that should be ok. I'll see you in a couple hours then, Bella."

"OK. See ya."

I took half a Valium and my Prozac with some toast and a yogurt - I would starve otherwise - then showered and tried to find a good outfit for Sunday Lunch With Edward Cullen, Who Is Just A Friend. Especially since it was raining. I wore pantyhose-like tights under footless tights, so I wouldn't freeze, and a semi-tight sweater dress over a tank top. And houndstooth arm warmers. As I pulled them on I realized Edward was the one person I didn't really have to cover up my scars around, but on the other hand I didn't want them to be visible wherever he was taking me to lunch, either.

When I came downstairs at 12:30pm, Charlie was reading the newspaper. "What are you dressed up for?"

"I'm not dressed up." I started making myself an instant hot cocoa. It's sorta gross, but if you add white chocolate chips and half-n-half it tastes much better.

"You aren't exactly dressed for Sunday lounging. Where are you going?"

"I'm not sure actually," I said truthfully. "Edward didn't tell me."

"Edward?"

"Yeah, you know, Edward Cullen? He's in my Biology class."

"And you guys are doing homework at an unspecified location?" he asked in his "I have several guns" voice.

I sighed. "No, Dad, after he gets back from church he's taking me to lunch." I pulled the white chocolate/half-n-half mixture out of the microwave and tried to stir it. I've burnt the chips before, so I'm very cautious now, but it's nowhere near melted enough, so I put it back in for forty-five seconds. This time it looked ok, so I dumped a packet of instant mix into it.

Dad was speechless. "Church?"

"Yeah, he and his family are coming back from church right now."

"Huh." I could tell this tidbit had disarmed him, pun intended. I finished heating the water, then poured it over the choco-mess and stirred. Man, was it good. And almost as comforting as a Valium.

I slowly savored my drink, trying not to get nervous about this quasi-date.

But Charlie didn't seem to care about my nerves at all. "You really think it's a good idea to start dating again, Bells?"

"I kinda told him I wanted to be friends for a while," I said, which seemed to calm him a bit, which in turn calmed me.

I washed the mug after I finished the drink, and not long after that the doorbell rang. Charlie asked if I wanted to get it, and I told him to knock himself out.

"Hullo there." I heard him say.

"Good afternoon, Chief Swan. I'm Edward Cullen, is Bella here?"

"BELLA!"

I groaned and walked to the door. He was wearing a v-neck black sweater over a blue button-down shirt - no tie - that brought out the green of his eyes. His normally messy hair had been wetted down and brushed back, but hours later it was starting to go back to its natural wild state. And his jeans,a very darkwash blue, looked like they cost more than my entire outfit.

His eyes widened and his pupils dilated when he saw me. "You look, you look very nice," he gulped.

"Thanks, so do you," I murmured.

He shook his head with his eyes closed, then smiled at me. "I have an umbrella but you may want a raincoat..."

"Yeah," I agreed and grabbed the one I wore yesterday.

"Don't worry Sir, we'll be back before five," he said to my father, who didn't seem to like this news but stayed quiet.

We got into his Volvo and he started driving south on 101. "Where are we going?"

"Kalaloch Lodge, have you ever been there?"

"Jesus, I think, like before my parents split up."

He grinned. "Not many people are around in the off-season. I think you'll like it."

He was right. Lunch wasn't anything to write home about, but afterwards we zipped up our raincoats and he held the umbrella over me and we walked around the beach. He even brought a couple of tarps and a blanket so we could sit, after he strung one up to keep us dry. Even with the rain, it was gorgeous, especially since there were no other people around. He also had an iPod with a little speaker that plugged into it, and he was playing something I thought I recognized from the CD. I told him all about La Push yesterday (except for the pot smoking with Jake) and he talked a little bit about what he'd done yesterday, which was practice the violin. He had his grandfather's violin that he used to play at his old high school's orchestra, but when he moved to Forks his parents bought him an electric violin and various pedals. He liked to futz around and make noise with it, and recorded some of it onto his Mac and tried to force the noise into some semblance of music. It was slow work but rewarding; he had about five pieces he was happy with so far.

Edward was trying very hard to keep to those boundaries we had talked about, but we'd taken off our raincoats and were laying next to each other on the blanket. He was pretty much spooning me and holding my hands while he told me about his music, and when I said I'd love to see him play he squeezed my hand. It was a little too cold not to be snuggling, honestly. But far too soon, it was four, and he said he wanted to get me home early to keep on my dad's good side, and I sighed, and said ok, and put my raincoat back on. He grabbed my face into his hands before I put the hood up again, and stroked my cheek down my jawline and throat to my collarbone. Oh God it felt good, I closed my eyes and leaned into his hand. He sighed and touched his face to mine. He had shaved that morning, and his jaw was so much more defined than it had any right to be.

After he dropped me off (and I parried the third degree from Charlie), I scanned through the CD to find what he was playing on the beach. Aha- it was Massive Attack. I turned my stereo up really loud and listened to it while I thought about the feel of his hand on my throat.

_***Trying not to be anachronistic, this is supposed to be 2004, when iPods were still pretty expensive and Blackberries were cool.**_

_**The Massive Attack album is Mezzanine, not exactly a justfriends album. Put it on the next time you're making out. Trust me. youtube . com / watch?v=LQ-0nUMHlzk**_

_**Hope you enjoyed the fluff, cos that's the last you'll be seeing for a while...**_


	19. Chapter 18

_**chapter 18**_

After Massive Attack, one of the Mono albums came on – I'd arranged the the playlist in album alphabetical order – and my cell phone rang.

"Hello, Tyler," I said nonchalantly as I paused the music.

"Hey, Bella, what are you doing?"

"Homework." We were doing oral presentations in Government this week, something I wasn't looking forward to. "Finish your speech yet?"

"Hell no. You?"

"Pretty much."

"Wanna practice givin' it to me?" His tone was soft, caressing the words that clearly were meant more than one way.

I said pointedly, "I'm actually not that close to being finished, I spent too much time with Edward today."

"What?"

"You know, Edward? Cullen?"

"I fucking know who Edward Cullen is, Bella," he said in that same soft tone, but much faster. "What the hell were you doing with him?"

"He bought me lunch and we hung out at Kalaloch."

His voice was no longer soft. "But it's like, freezing and raining out!"

"Seriously Tyler, this is none of your business."

I heard him take a deep breath. "OK. I was gonna ask if you wanted to skip gym tomorrow."

"Oh, no, I met Sam Uley on Saturday, so I'm all good there."

"Oh."

There was silence for a while. I supposed that was it. "That it?"

"No, that's not – I just- shit, Bella." He let out a laugh with nothing amusing about it. "This is some kinda stupid ass one-sided friendship we got here."

"I'll pay you back for the stuff I inhaled..."

He cut me off. "Not what I meant."

"OK then I'm confused. We just hung out and smoked out a few times. I didn't realize that was like some kind of commitment." I hoped that word would scare him, and it seemed to.

"Jesus! Who said anything about that? I just assumed it was gonna like, go on in the future, that's all." He was sounding a bit cooler again.

"Well, it might have, Tyler, if you hadn't tried to kiss me."

"What, we can't just like, pretend that never happened?"

"_I_ can. You were the one who seemed like you wanted it to happen again," I reminded him.

"Yeah? You were the one who said you didn't want to date, then hang out all day with _Cullen_," he spit out.

"Cullen didn't try to kiss me," I snapped. "We're just friends, and he actually understands what that means!" I hung up the phone. Cell phones are so unsatisfying. I was almost tempted to call Tyler back on the heavy '80s downstairs phone so I could hang up on him properly. But he saved me the trouble by calling me again.

"I'm sorry Bella," he said before I said anything else. "I guess I just wasn't used to hanging out with a cute girl who really didn't want anything but friendship."

"Let me just pay for the stuff so I don't feel like we have anything owed between us, ok?"

He sighed. "Yeah, it was a stupid idea anyway. You're Chief Swan's kid, and I'm the school dealer."

"That's why I said I just wanted to be friends," I reminded him.

"I don't think straight guys believe in 'just friends', Bella," he chuckled. "You might want to keep that in mind with Cullen, too."

"Not that it's any of your business," I repeated, "but Edward actually admitted his intentions to me already."

"No shit? That honesty game works on chicks?"

"I'm pretty sure Edward is just honest in general."

"Well if we're being honest, I really did think I could be just friends with you at first," he sighed.

"Sorry this had to work out this way," I lied. "Gonna miss skipping Gym."

:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:

I put on one of the Spiritualized albums, _Pure Phase_, to go to sleep. It was fairly soft and inoffensive. One of the songs, "Spread Your Wings", was so pretty that I put it on infinite repeat just before passing out. I tried but failed to decipher the lyrics that Jason Pierce sang so softly and muffled behind the instrumentation.

_And time goes so slowly by_

_When you know that it can fly_

So it wasn't that weird that it was also playing on infinite repeat in my dream. While I was kissing Edward Cullen. What was kind of weird was that we were kissing in a bunk bed while Rosalie and Emmett were on the top bunk, and they were not, um, kissing.

Also, Alice and Jasper were naked on a bearskin rug near the bunk bed, but they were just talking.

In general it was a pleasant dream, and I wished I didn't have to wake up and end it. Still, I was in the best mood I could remember since, well, the first time I'd gone out with Edward Cullen. This was actually my first dream about him, I realized, and made a note of it on my computer. "If only we'd been naked instead of his siblings," I concluded in the locked file, then switched off the machine.

On the way to school, I popped the tape I'd made into my truck's decrepit stereo. I was lucky it even had a tape deck, apparently Billy had had it installed instead of an 8-track in 1977. I bopped my head to M83 during the fifteen-minute ride to school. It was going to be really nice to have this tape in the truck instead of the radio. I grinned as I pulled up to school. Smiling on a Monday, who'd've thunk it?

I parked my truck and started walking to my English class when I heard someone call my name.

"Hey, Swan!"

I spun around and saw Lauren Mallory looking at me like death. "Yeah?"

I had stopped walking but she came up to me, red-faced, and before I knew what was happening, I saw stars and felt pain and was laid out on the asphalt. The entire school seemed to be yelling, and I felt streams of blood pouring out of my extremely hurt nose. "What the FUCK!" I screamed, and pulled a tissue out of my jacket pocket.

Mike and Ben were holding Lauren back, and Edward and Alice were at my side. Lauren was yelling something about Tyler, who was apparently the one student not surrounding us. I was losing a bit of blood and feeling hella woozy, so I just closed my eyes and everything kind of faded out.

I was semi-aware of Edward and a few other people gently carrying me to a car. Alice drove the Volvo, while Edward held the tissue to my face and held me and said "It's going to be ok Bella." I winced every time she hit a bump, and Edward kept snapping at her. I kept fading in and out of consciousness, especially after seeing the tissue being changed. It was really soaked in blood. I'm not as squeamish as I used to be about blood, but all that coming out of my face...

It wasn't long before the car stopped. Alice went to get her dad, who apparently dropped everything to see to me. He checked my blood pressure and I begged for morphine. He and Edward exchanged a look, but Alice said, "She just got punched in the face, give her a break." So they took off my outer layers as gently as they could, pulled off my right arm-warmer, and Edward tenderly put on a tourniquet above my elbow.

Dr. Cullen had the shot ready and swabbed the crook of my elbow. Edward shocked the hell out of me by saying, "Let me do it, please."

"Edward, this isn't a game," he said in the sternest voice I'd ever heard from him. I wasn't really able to look up without a lot of pain, but the quiet made me think there were a lot of looks back and forth.

Alice finally said, "Just let him do it, Carlisle!" and grabbed the needle and gave it to Edward.

"Breath in, baby," he whispered. I did so, looking away. I felt the prick, then felt the tourniquet being cut away, by Alice I thought.

"As long as we're poking holes in her, here's a saline drip," announced Carlisle. "Should have done that first anyway," he muttered angrily. "All right, Bella?"

I was starting to feel the morphine."Whatever," I sighed, and they hooked in the IV. The pain wasn't totally gone, but I didn't really care as much.

He warned me that he was going to reset my nose and it was going to hurt despite the morphine, but he would put some Dilaudid in the saline bag if it was really bad. I shut my eyes tight while he did it, but it did indeed still hurt like a bitch. I was crying afterward, so in went the Dilaudid, and out went me, like a light.

I was barely aware of my father asking me if I was ok. Apparently he'd already locked up Lauren, and the principal suspended her for the rest of the week.

Edward and Alice took me home, where I finally looked in a mirror. I looked just awful, both my eyes were black and, well, I had a damn broken nose. Edward was certainly not being just-friends now, but I didn't care. Alice made me soup and then said she was going to go back to school, hinting that Edward should bring back my truck. I agreed and gave him my keys. He seemed frantic at having to leave. I managed to eat my soup and fall asleep again before he returned.

"Bella?"

"Hmmm?"

"I brought your truck back," said Edward. He had the same concerned look on his face that he'd had on since Lauren nailed me.

"How are you going to get home?"

"Alice will get me later." He sat next to me on the bed and started tracing paths down the side of my head.

I sighed. "I really don't need a babysitter."

"Do you really want me to leave?" he asked in a bedroom voice.

"I'm really groggy from the drugs, I just want to rest." I closed my eyes.

"Bella, I can't..." he stopped talking, and took one of my hands in his. "I hate seeing you hurt," he whispered, squeezing my hand.

If I hadn't been so high, I would have been more curious about this statement. As it was, I just said, "I'm sorry" and passed out again.

_**author's note: I put up "Spread Your Wings" on **_**Box. net : / shared / 6aa0dqcftn**_** for the instrumental, **_**mi2vzljjee**_** for the original.**_

_**Anyone surprised at Lauren's behavior? Think Bella had it coming? Think Tyler needs a good punch?  
**_


	20. Chapter 19

**Author's note: I've been adding what I think of as "theme" songs for each chapter. The complete list is in my profile, complete with links to my Box account to download the songs.**

**This chapter's song is Interpol, "the new" : www . box . net / shared / ib6mqz5gfs**

_**chapter 19**_

Edward made sure to leave before Charlie got home – that is, Alice came by after school with our homework, he said he'd come by tomorrow with the next batch, kissed my forehead and left.

Alice also brought me some Vicodin, which was gladly appreciated. Charlie and Carlisle talked to the principal, so he knew I wouldn't be back till Wednesday. I was able to get all of Monday's homework finished before I went to bed. I took two Vics and a Benadryl along with my normal meds, and I zonked out early.

The next day I didn't wake up till almost nine. I read for a while, but the pain was a bit intense. If you ever have a chance to get a broken nose, don't do it, it sucks. I decided to take two Vicodin and a Benadryl again – the prescription label said "one to two as needed" so I felt no guilt – and I ended up sleeping another six hours. Alice and Edward came by after school, picked up my homework and gave me my new assignments.

"Can I talk to Bella alone?" Edward asked Alice. She rolled her eyes and went to watch TV. He took my hand in his. "I didn't want to ask you yesterday, but, Bella, do you have any idea why Lauren went after you like that?"

"I don't know exactly," I said truthfully enough. "But, uh, remember that day when I told you that he tried to kiss me?" His eyes flared. "He, uh, hasn't really stopped bothering me. Not that he's tried anything! He hasn't touched me, just called a few times."

He squeezed my hand. "I'll talk to him, don't worry. He'll leave you alone."

I was about to say something very feminist about how I didn't need Edward to scare Tyler away, but then I thought better of it. If Lauren was so into Tyler that she was going to throw down on any other girl that he demonstrated interest in, I didn't want to be any part of that Jerry Springer scene. So I just said, "Be nice, Edward."

He gave me that damnable crooked grin. "I'm always nice. Haven't you noticed?"

:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:

When I got to school, some of the kids cheered me. I waved at Alice when I got to English, but she blushed, then gave me a look like she was about to cry before she bent her head almost to her desk. So, that was a little weird. Tyler ignored me in Government, but that wasn't anything out of the ordinary. I figured Edward had scared him anyway, so, whatever. In Trig, though, Jessica started passing me notes.

_Oh my God, Bella, I didn't think you were going to be back at school so soon! You look terrible!_

Good old Jessica. _It's worse than it looks. Man, is Lauren a psycho or what?_

_Seriously! She might be put into juvie for a year, your dad was super p.o.'d, Jane heard him yelling at the principal._

Good old Charlie. _Does anyone know anything at all about why she wanted to kick my ass?_ Of course I mostly knew, but I needed to know what Jess had heard.

_All I could figure out was that she thought Tyler was after you. But he refused to talk about it at all, except to say that he dumped her for good Sunday night._

Wow. That explained a few things. _So she thought he dumped her for me? What an idiot. I am so not interested._

_Why would you be, with Edward freaking Cullen after you?_ She added smiley faces after that, as if we were online.

_Also, police daughter not exactly gonna date Tyler Crowley._

_Lol!_ I swear, that's what she wrote, on paper, in a passed note in Trig.

Since I honestly did need to catch up, these few notes took basically the whole hour, I read her Laugh Out Loud (which she totally didn't) right as the bell was ringing.

"Seriously Bella, how romantic was that, when Edward carried you away Monday?" Jessica sighed.

"You mean while I was bleeding like a stuck pig? Oh yeah. Totally romantic. All that blood everywhere."

She rolled her eyes. "You're so cynical. Come on, it's like, he has part of you on him."

"You're kind of stretching there," I pointed out.

"Well, maybe," she giggled. "But he looked good covered in your blood, I have to say."

"He always looks good. He'd look good coming from a week at Burning Man." I pictured Edward covered in playa dust with his hair dreaded up, wearing nothing but a bright blue fuzzy vest and pink fuzzy chaps, and had to laugh. Jessica joined in as we sat down in Spanish class.

I dutifully wrote her notes about how Edward took care of me on the way to his dad's office (I left out the fact that Edward was the one who shot me full of morphine - I didn't think Jessica would find it as touching as I did), and at home, and how he threatened Tyler last night.

_Wow, he is so totally into you, Bella. You are so lucky._

And then we headed to lunch.

I smiled when I saw Edward. "Hey there."

He didn't look happy to see me. "I need to talk to you." He didn't stay with me, though, just sat down at a table alone, with just a Sprite.

I felt my stomach drop. I decided to follow suit - I'd get food if I had an appetite after our talk. Jessica was oblivious to his cold mood and gave me a girly squeeze on my shoulder before whispering, "Have fun!"

I sat down across from Edward. "What's up?"

He inspected his soda for a few seconds before he began. "I drove over to Tyler's after I saw you last night. Alice asked to see him so he'd come to the car. He freaked out when he saw me, he thought I was going to beat him up for what Lauren did to you. I said I wasn't going to hurt him, or her, but I would really appreciate it if he'd stay away from you, at school or elsewhere, and I planned to tell Lauren the same thing.

"He told me that he'd gladly stay away from you, but you were the one who called him Sunday night. Oh, I said, you gave her your number. He said, sure, you guys were buds. I was like, that's not what Bella said, she said you tried to kiss her, and that it was rather unwelcome. He said, that's true, she just wanted to be friends. The whole kiss thing just happened, sometimes these things just happen when you're high."

I felt hot and sweaty. I gulped down some Sprite while Edward started to glare at me, still spinning his own bottle.

"He told me that you guys have been getting high together, smoking pot in his car, at least once a week since that party at Dave's, and you probably still would be doing it if he hadn't crossed that line. He said that after that, you told him you got some weed from some kid at the reservation, so you weren't going to be hanging out with Tyler anymore." He put the bottle down, sighing. "Is any of that a lie, Bella?"

I was so deathly embarrassed. I think I was even more embarrassed by Edward than when I thought I was going to have to go back to school in Phoenix after my suicide attempt and hospital stay. I couldn't say anything, so I just shook my head. "Well, except, we aren't friends, I was just using him," I confessed.

He rolled his eyes. "If that were true you would have let him kiss you. And you wouldn't have waited a month to go to another source. I don't care if you're friends with Tyler, I just didn't think it would be a good idea for this very reason." He ran his fingers through his hair, exhaling loudly. "You bought weed when you went to La Push? What if I had gone with you?"

"Then I would have had to be more discreet."

"Bella," he groaned. "You told me that you wanted me to help you stay away from that crap."

"Yeah, and when I told you that, you fucking stood me up," I snapped, sick of his judgmental bullshit.

"Are you high right now?"

"On weed?" I asked disbelievingly.

"I meant pills."

"Well, Edward, yes, I did take some Vicodin for my fucking broken nose. Excuse me all to hell," I exclaimed. "Was this really the best time to have this conversation? Why the hell didn't you just call me last night?"

He closed his eyes and put his forefingers against the bridge of his nose. "Because I was too upset to be rational after talking to Tyler. Alice pretty much hid my phone," he admitted.

"Alice was there." Oh, no.

"Yeah. She heard the whole thing."

Now I started to feel cold. I gulped my soda and felt even colder. "So she doesn't want to have anything to do with me?" I didn't say _either_.

He shook his head. "You'll have to talk with her yourself."

I stood up. "OK. I will."

And I ran to the girls' bathroom where I could cry in peace.

**_AN: CLIFFIE! Duh Duh Duh!_**

**_Was Edward out of line? Was Bella? Who needs to apologize to whom? Or should they just forget about it?_**


	21. Chapter 20

song: box .net/shared/00dyzj8ers

_**Chapter 20**_

My hands were trembling as I broke, first a Valium, then a Vicodin, in half. I shoved them in my mouth, then cupped my hands under the bathroom faucet to collect water so I could swallow. It didn't exactly work, and I could taste the bitterness all around the inside of my mouth. Fortunately I had some Cheez-Its in my bag, which I ate as I sat in the farthest stall from the entrance.

I wasn't crying. I mean, ok, tears were streaming out of my eyes down my cheeks, but that was it. I wasn't sobbing or taking gasps or any of that nonsense. That would be stupid, crying over a boy who hadn't so much as kissed me on the lips yet.

So I wiped my face and chewed my crackers and waited for the pills to kick in. While I was waiting, I convinced myself that I wasn't upset so much as angry at Edward for butting in to my private business. He wasn't my boyfriend – or my father, for that matter – so it was none of his business if I got high with Tyler or Jacob once in a while. Except for the first time, it had all been purely recreational, and while I knew he didn't even approve of drinking for himself, he surely couldn't have that much of a problem with other people doing it. So, really, Tyler had no business telling him all this, and he had no business being upset about it. I wasn't on a slippery slope back to smoking pot or heroin every day, and I was only taking the damn Vicodin because I had a damn broken nose.

The anger burned off any urge to tear up I had. I put the rest of the crackers back in my bag, washed the crumbs off my fingers and face, and headed over to Biology early. I took out a paperback to read while I waited for everyone else to scatter in.

Mike Newton came in at some point before the bell rang and tapped me on the shoulder. "Hey, Bella, are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." By this point I really was. The drugs had kicked in and I felt like nothing was as important as I'd been making it out to be. "Someone told Cullen they saw me making out with that guy at the beach," I whispered, rolling my eyes.

He seemed taken aback. "You weren't, were you?"

"Of course not. And I'm not even dating Cullen, so it's not his business if I am."

"I thought you asked him to the dance?"

"Just as friends."

Mike raised his eyebrows. "Does _he_ know that?"

"Yeah, but you know how _boys_ are."

Mike sort of smiled and blushed and looked at his feet. "Yeah," he muttered. He slowly looked up at me, but then something else caught his eye and he stammered, "I'll talk to you later, Bella," and almost ran to his desk.

I was about to ask him what his deal was when I felt it. Edward took his seat next to me. "Good afternoon, Bella," he said as always, but he sounded like he was gritting his teeth while he said it.

"No thanks to you," I hissed. I glanced at him for a second, and his face crumpled for a minute. He looked almost as upset as I'd been. I almost wanted to write him a note, but figured he didn't deserve it.

So we didn't say anything else to each other during the whole period. I was glad, really, that he was upset instead of self-righteously gleeful or whatever. I did look at his hands occasionally; they were gripping the desk when he wasn't taking notes. I was really glad that today was a lecture day instead of a lab day.

As soon as the bell rang, Edward grabbed his bag and practically ran out. Mike was staring at him as he walked up to me. "Jesus, Cullen must not have believed you," he remarked.

"Oh, I didn't exactly deny it," I said slowly. "I just said it wasn't any of his business."

Mike raised his eyebrows at me. "Damn, Bella, you… are… something else."

We walked to gym pretty much in silence.

I was still feeling floaty by the time I got home, so when there was a knock on my door, I just opened it without even looking.

"Hi Alice," I said. "Come to do homework?"

She shook her head. "Bella, what happened today?"

"What, Edward didn't tell you?" I almost sneered, but Alice didn't deserve that, no matter what kind of douchebag her brother was being. At her headshake, I summed up how, since Edward wrote me that odd note about her taking me to the party, I'd been smoking out with Tyler at least once a week. Till he tried to kiss me. She knew about that, of course, but I hadn't filled her in on his phone calls since then. I also told her about smoking out with Jacob Black at the beach, and how he sort of tried to hit on me too.

"Anyway, after I confirmed what Tyler told him was true, Edward was really pissed off at me."

Alice's jaw had dropped at the beginning of my story, and was still gaping at me. "Oh my gosh," she'd kept repeating, and now she said it again. "Wow."

"So, are you gonna stop talking to me too, now?"

"Of course not!" She seemed almost offended that I suggested it. "I'm not totally self-righteous like some people."

I felt some tension drop. "Really?"

She reached over and hugged me. "Really. I'm not totally thrilled, ok, but from what you've said, if you're being honest now –" here she gave me a look, and I rolled my eyes and nodded –"it hasn't been like every day or whatever. I mean, skipping school to smoke pot isn't that great, but doing it in general, it doesn't bother me that much, as long as you aren't getting in too deep."

I shook my head. "Like I said, just once a week."

"Then I'm happy if you're happy." And with that, we got out our homework.

About an hour later, Alice said, "Are you going to call Edward?"

"What for?"

"To tell me what you told me."

I rolled my eyes. "He knows pretty much what I told you. That's why he's mad at me."

"I think he's more mad that you were hiding it from him."

"Well of course I'm going to hide it from him!" I said, exasperated. "He's a self-righteous asshole! And it isn't any of his business!"

Alice sighed, and didn't mention Edward again.


	22. Chapter 21

chapter song: **The Field - Everyday box . net / shared / fnlxhi55zg **

_**chapter 21**_

Thursday morning I woke up around 4am gasping. I couldn't remember what I'd been dreaming about, except that Edward was mad at me. Well, he was mad at me in reality too, so whatever. I took half a Valium and passed back out.

This time, I started dreaming of the sex lecture Renée gave me when I'd started ripping pages of actors out of magazines and hanging them on my closet door. I was eleven.

"And the man's dick" - she never used clinical words for that kind of thing - "fills up with blood and gets hard, like a banana at first, then like a cucumber. And it gets bigger too. So then sex is when he puts it in the woman's pussy."

"He puts his _penis_ in there?" I shrieked. "Gross!"

Renée giggled at me. "You probably think kissing is gross too."

"Of course it's gross. I wouldn't want a boy's _tongue_ in my _mouth_. Let alone - ugh!"

This time, since it was a dream, Mike and Tyler and Jacob Black and Edward were all there, sitting on the floor of my room (me and Renée sat on the bed), listening to her describe sex as only my mother could. Since it was a dream, the boys were just as grossed out as I was, except for Edward, who just grinned at me and started seriously making out with my mother right next to me.

And then Jacob Black smiled and shrugged and sat next to me. "It's not gross," he said in a soft voice, and started kissing me. If I was a guy, I probably would have had a wet dream, but since I'm a girl, it was just a dream-gasm.

Seriously, making out with Jake in my dream while Edward made out with my mom, made me tremble all over.

I woke up at 6:30am, when my alarm went off, realizing that I actually had climaxed in my sleep.

In my shower I made sure to scrub myself, because the thought of kissing Jake, let alone Edward kissing my mom, made me feel even grosser than the lecture had when I was eleven.

:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:

So when I got to school I was feeling all sorts of conflicted and weird. It's funny how when someone does something in a dream, even though you know it's not real, you still feel the way you would if they really did it. That was, in fact, how I started dating James back in Phoenix - I'd had a dream that he asked me out on a date, and even though it was just ice cream and a walk by the reservoir, I felt all warm and fuzzy towards him the next day, and during our study session that afternoon I got really flirty with him, and he tried to kiss me, and I let him, and we made out for like twenty minutes till Renée got home.

And now that I'd watched Renée make out with Edward, I was disgusted with him. I knew it was irrational, but I was in fact already angry at him, so. Fortunately I didn't have to worry about him till trig, when Jess started asking me questions. I didn't return her notes, pretending I needed to pay attention, but I finally gave her the same story that I gave Mike, that Edward thought I hooked up with Jake on Saturday, and I didn't really want to talk about it. She gave up after that, but I could tell she didn't want to.

Alice sat with me during lunch, at our usual table. Edward sat with the rest of his family. I tried really hard not to look over at them, and I did pretty well, but I was getting nervous as hell over Biology.

For the first time I could remember, Edward didn't wish me a good afternoon, and my heart sank. Were we really not even going to be friends because of this? I decided that wouldn't do, and wrote him a note as the bell rang, _Good afternoon, Edward Cullen._

He smiled his little crooked grin at my note, then sighed and crumpled it up. Ouch.

Mr. Banner announced that today and tomorrow we'd be watching a movie in class. As soon as the lights went off, something weird happened. I can't really explain it, but in the dark, sitting so close to Edward, I felt so aware of him, like I never had been before, not even when we were alone in the rain on the beach Sunday. I was almost overcome with lust and an urge to just _jump_ him the way he jumped Renée in my dream. I balled my hands up into fists and sat up stock straight to prevent any movement on my part.

_Oh hell. What is going on?_ I wondered. I'd never, ever, felt like this before. Well, that's not true, sometimes when I was drunk and/or high at parties with James, I'd felt this way, but this was different. This was school and Edward Cullen, for chrissake. I tried breathing as evenly as I could, and tried to catch a glance of Edward out of the corner of my eye. What I saw shocked me: he was my mirror image, fists and stark posture and heavy breathing. Was he actually feeling this too? _Oh my God._

Screw it, I thought, and started writing a note.

_Edward -_

_I'm sorry I hurt you by hiding the pot smoking with Tyler. But we weren't really talking for a while, and then when you actually asked me out, I was so shocked that I didn't even think of Tyler or anything as being at all relevant. And then I was worried that dating someone would trigger me off again, so I thought we should just be friends. Well, I don't know if you can forgive me, but if you would, I'd be willing to give you a chance._

_Bella_

He took the note and read it. I was so flushed and glad for the dark. Finally he wrote back:

_Bella - I accept your apology and I forgive you. Are you saying you want to be my girlfriend?_

I was a little taken aback - that seemed sudden - but I replied, _Is that what you want from me?_

_If you want it from me._

Instead of replying I took his hand in mine. It was clammy and sweaty. And large, with long fingers that intertwined with mine. And squeezed so tightly I thought my circulation was going to cut off.

_Can you ditch gym again, or have you done it too many times?_

I had to let go of his hand to write. I smiled so he'd se_e _why_. Sure._

_**author's note: Early update woo! Going on a mini-break with my beau, so I figured I'd get this out now. **_


	23. Chapter 22

**Song for this Chapter: I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness, "According To Plan"**

**box . net / shared / hr62byg6an**

_**chapter 22**_

I wasn't really able to do anything in Gym with a broken nose anyway, so I felt no guilt whatsoever about following Edward to his shiny Volvo.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Nowhere, it's just dry in here," he answered, opening the back door for me. I was a little nervous but went in anyway. He went in the front – "just going to warm the car up" – and then came back to me. Carefully, avoiding my nose, he wrapped his arms around me and held me, sighing. I had my ear against his chest and could hear his heart, sped up at first, but steadily slowing to only a couple beats per second. Still nervous, then.

"This is ok, right?" he murmured. His arms felt sure and strong. I whispered "Yeah." He then started talking softly.

"It was an accident the first time I overheard our fathers talking about you, but it intrigued me quite a bit. It was... so foreign to me, a girl my age so distraught over a relationship that she... well, you know. I wanted as much information as I could find out about you. At first I thought it was just another sort of generic teenage heartbreak. Everyone I know is so generic, Bella, and I thought you'd be the same way.

"But, well, you weren't. I learned about you from the medical records Carlisle got before you arrived -"

At that, I pulled apart from him. "You read my confidential medical records? From – from the hospital?" I felt frantic. "How could you do that?" I shrieked, hitting him on the shoulder.

He cringed but didn't make a noise. "I'm sorry Bella. I'm the only one of us who wants to be a doctor, so I've always helped with the filing at Carlisle's work. I guess it's a bit of a bad habit, but I've always read files of his patients. But I was so curious about yours. I meant it when I said most people are totally generic." He put his hand on my chin and gently lifted my face so we were looking in the eyes again. "See, I wasn't honest with you either. I'm a hypocrite. But I hope you'll forgive me like I'm forgiving you."

When he looked me in the eyes that way I felt so short of breath and unable to think. "You can – you can hold me again, if you want," I managed to get out. At least I'd be able to think a bit easier that way.

Crooked grin. "Thank you, sweetheart." He carefully wrapped his arms around me again, this time stroking his right hand through my hair as he spoke. "Right, so, I knew you were – depressed. And damaged. Well, maybe you don't know – what they wrote down. They said you'd been depressed on and off since you were eleven. When you told me during our first dinner, I tried to look surprised, but I knew. I knew you'd been using pot for over a year, and heroin for over a month, before... before the breakup. I knew it was mostly self-medication, and you tested clean on January fourth. I knew you were – well, I thought you were trying to put yourself together. And I was curious as heck as what you'd sum up to.

"My reaction to you the first day, I told you it was because I was freaked out about the drug stuff. Well, that was partly true. Hearing and reading about that stuff was different than meeting the person who did it, and, well, it was a little scary. But what frightened me was how I was still totally curious about you, how I still couldn't see you as generic, even though I was trying to.

He moved his hand from my hair and began stroking my face. "The one thing I didn't know about you was what you looked like. Not to sound too shallow-male, but you didn't at all match what I'd pictured from reading your files. You don't look much like your dad either," he chuckled. "So yeah, in the cafeteria I saw this gorgeous girl and I had a hard time matching her with the troubled teen I thought Isabella Swan was. I just, I couldn't figure it out, and that was where I was when we got to Biology, and, duh, I should have realized you'd be sitting with me.

"Bella, you are so very pretty, and I was just enormously attracted to you, physically, which felt to me like a really stupid thing to feel, considering what I knew about you. I mean, I tried to convince myself, like I said, that you were a troubled teen, and that if I so much as talked to you, I'd end up troubled too. But so much of me was just, just... _yearning_." He said that word as if it were the dirtiest, nastiest, most hardcore sex word in the English language, and I got goosebumps.

"I had no control over my thoughts, and I was freaking out and angry at you, in a way, for causing that. So I wanted to get away from you. I couldn't get out of the class, though, so I stayed home the next day. I talked to Alice about it, and she said I was being stupid, and I should just ask you out. We fought about it, but she at least made me realize that you probably were hurt by my actions in Biology. And when I saw you again, and you'd switched seats, well, clearly she was right."

"Wait, I thought that you only told Alice about the drug use."

"What I told her was that I overheard Charlie and Carlisle talking about your drug use, and yet I was still feeling attracted to you, and it freaked me out. So, yeah, she told me I was being stupid."

"Then I fainted." I took a deep breath. "I tried to call Tyler after that, actually."

He squeezed me tightly. "I'm so sorry I upset you that much."

"But I didn't really speak to Tyler till after the car accident."

"When you asked me to help you out, and I said I'd go with you to the party."

I nodded. "But you didn't."

"No. When I talked to Alice about it, she asked if I was going to keep you away from drugs, or to be alone with you. And I couldn't answer, and she said she would take care of you, if I wanted. I said that was probably for the best. I was still convinced that I ought to stay away from you outside of school, although I have to admit I was enjoying Biology more than ever."

"Why did you say I'd be safer with Alice?"

He sighed. "Um, because Alice wasn't – you know, going to try anything." He stopped moving his hands, I supposed he was embarrassed.

"You can keep playing with my hair," I hinted.

"Oh." He did so. "So then you were mad at me. I didn't think you'd stay mad at me for as long as you did, but I thought maybe it was for the best. It was easier to stay away from you when you were mad at me. Alice thought I was being stupid, for several reasons actually. She didn't really plan to befriend you, just hang out with you a few times so she could tell me how boring and generic you really were. She thought I'd get over my – infatuation – if I knew more about you. But of course that backfired, and she actually liked you too, and told me how great you were and how much she liked hanging out with you, implying that I would like it as well."

"That's funny, Alice seemed to imply that you'd only date Mormon girls."

He sighed again. "Yeah, that was the other thing, even if I was interested, I didn't think I should ask you out. But Alice said girls didn't push as much as boys did, so it was probably ok for the double-standard." I chuckled at that. "So yeah, I finally tried to make nice to you, and ... I think you know the rest here."

It was hard to believe that we'd only started talking again last Tuesday, a little over a week ago. And now he wanted to be my boyfriend. But apparently he'd had this crush the whole time. That was what I really couldn't believe. "You know, that first day you really freaked me out. I thought you hated me."

"I might have," he confessed. "There were so many emotions going through me... like during the movie today. Well, today it was less confusing."

"It was intense," I mused. "Nearly overpowering."

He stopped moving his hands. "You – you felt that way too?"

At my nod, he carefully, so carefully, pulled my face away from his chest, tilted my head a little to the right, and tilted his head to his right, and gently pressed his lips against mine.

I held my breath, but my pulse raced regardless.

Technically speaking, it wasn't much of a kiss: he just pushed his lips against mine for nearly a minute, then pulled back with a smack-noise from suction.

But it was still the best kiss I'd ever had.


	24. Chapter 23

_**song for this chapter: M83, "Run into Flowers" **_**box . net / shared / ns6hmx2r8t**

_**chapter 23**_

After a few more minutes of hugging, Edward suggested I take him over to my place to do homework, then Alice could pick him up later. I agreed, and we left the Volvo for my truck. It wasn't a long drive, but Edward was still fidgeting.

"Can't you go any faster?"

"Actually, no," I replied. "You may have noticed that this truck was born in 1953."

"It is charming, but I think I'm going to have to start picking you up in the mornings," he said. I glanced at him and he was smiling. Oh, boy.

"So Edward? What exactly does it mean, if we're uh, boyfriend-girlfriend?"

"Uh, it means you and I are dating each other and no one else?"

We arrived at my place after very little time, despite Edward's complaints. I didn't say anything else till we were up in my room. I took the bed, and he leaned against the desk. "And what does dating you entail?"

"I'll let you know when your nose is healed," he said with a smirk. I tried to cock an eyebrow at him; surely he didn't mean what other boys would mean by that?

"I just thought most of the uh, boyfriend-girlfriend activities are forbidden by your religion."

His face flattened. "Let me worry about that stuff, Bella," he said seriously. "I mean, I'm obviously going to stay within your boundaries, and uh," he blushed, he actually blushed! "Alice said you and I were mostly uh, on the same level. Although you uh, have done a bit more."

That wasn't a surprise. "What about your boundaries?"

"Like I said, let me worry about it," he repeated. "For now, like I said, your comfort zone is my comfort zone. And we can't even really kiss much while your nose is broken," he reminded me.

"Yeah. Maybe we should have waited till then," I joked. But not really.

"I think I can satisfy your need for affection till then," he purred in an amazingly sexy way. I felt my knees go weak, thankfully I was already sitting. I felt myself blush. "But for now, we ought to finish homework."

"Right. Homework. Uh. Did you want to stay for dinner?"

"What's for dinner?"

"Let me think."

He cut me off. "How about I order some pizzas when your dad gets back?"

"OK."

He put on the CD he made for me, and took the desk to start doing his homework. Although, again, every fifteen minutes or so, he'd stop what he was doing, come over to the bed, and touch my hands and wrists. He even took off my arm-warmers and kissed the scars at one point. It was very hard to concentrate whenever he'd finish that and move back to the desk, and after about an hour of this, I decided enough was enough. So when he came over this time, I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him to me.

"Careful," he murmured in a voice that made me want to be anything but careful. But I was careful with my face as I pushed my lips against his again. This time, after the chaste kiss, I started to push my lips against his lower lip and suck it. He made a slightly panicked noise but didn't move otherwise, except he added pressure against my upper lip, and then ran the underside of his tongue along the top of my lip. At that, I felt faint and pulled away, but just my face, which I pushed sideways against his chest.

"Wow," I breathed.

"That was a good trick," he said softly, which made me giggle. "Sorry, you are a little more experienced than me when it comes to kissing."

"What about that other girl you dated?"

"Carmen? We just – I mean, like I did earlier. Nothing else."

"And no games of Spin the Bottle, I assume."

He chuckled. "You assume correctly."

I pulled away from him with regret. "I need to use the bathroom."

"OK," he said, and kissed the top of my head before I went.

I took the opportunity to pee and try to calm down. It was only about 6:30pm, with any luck it would be another hour before Charlie came back. At this point, however, I wanted to just say "screw homework" and do whatever would be satisfied by Edward's religion-induced boundaries. But this stupid nose! I really, really hated Lauren at that moment. Not that I liked her at all since she punched me in the face, but. I splashed some cold water on my face as carefully as I could - wiped it even more carefully.

When I got back, Edward was looking a little more serious. "I think we should probably talk about the Tyler thing."

I sighed. "Look, maybe I should have told you, but -"

"Not what I meant," he interrupted me. "I overreacted anyway. If you really think you need to - to smoke pot, then I can't be too upset about once a week. But I really would like you to tell me whenever you do, is that ok? And in return, like I said, I won't be uptight about it."

I exhaled. "Seriously?"

"Seriously. I don't want you using to cope or whatever, but if it's social or infrequent, I don't - I don't think it's something to be concerned about."

I walked over and hugged him. "Thanks."

He patted me on the back. "Trying to be a good boyfriend here. Oh, speaking of which, are you still wanting to go to the dance Saturday?"

I shrugged. "Don't think it's the best idea with this nose."

"Well, I'll talk to Alice and Jasper, maybe we can all do something more casual. Or go to Seattle."

"That could work."

He gently pushed me back. "Is that your dad's car?"

My eyes widened. "Oh shit, he's home early. Let me open the door so he doesn't freak out."

"Aright, I'll order the pizzas."

Charlie did not freak out, but he did ask where Alice was. I said she would be coming by later, and mentioned the pizzas. He then asked if he could talk to me for a minute.

We went downstairs and Charlie did not beat around the bush. "So. Edward Cullen, huh?"

"What do you mean?" I felt flushed.

He chuckled. "Seems like a nice young man."

"He is."

"I'll let you two know when the pizzas get here. Keep that door of yours open," he said as he turned on the television in search of a basketball game.

"Da-ad."

"I'm too young to be a grandfather."

I groaned. "We aren't even kissing yet!" I indicated my face.

"I'm sure you know that kissing ain't necessarily a prerequisite," he grumbled. "As a matter of fact, I had one kinda dull cousin who was all surprised 'cause she'd never kissed a boy."

We both laughed a bit at that, and I went back upstairs. The door being open with Charlie being home cooled Edward off, at any rate, and we did homework till the pizzas arrived.

Edward was very polite and cordial to Charlie; I let them talk while I ate. I was putting the plates in the dishwasher when there was a car honking.

"That's probably Jasper," said Edward. "I'll see you tomorrow morning, Bella. Have a good night, Chief Swan."

Jasper didn't leave the car before Edward came to it, and then they were off.


	25. Chapter 24

**song for this chapter - "Glittering Blackness", Explosions in the Sky - box . net / shared / 8bo6291d3f**

_**chapter 24**_

Edward picked me up as promised Friday morning. Charlie had already left so I simply ran out with my bag and a huge grin on my face. He was leaning against the passenger door and smiling at me as well.

"Good morning Bella," he said and kissed me on my forehead as he opened the door. "Sleep ok?"

"Yeah. It's still kinda tricky to avoid hitting the nose though. I hate having to just sleep on my back."

He started the car. "I can imagine."

"How about you?"

"Fine," he replied. "So I talked to Jasper and Emmett last night, and Alice this morning. We'll probably leave for Seattle Saturday afternoon around five or so, and get there before ten. There's a decent band playing at this all-ages venue, and then Rose knows about this party that she read about on her message board afterward. I mean, if everyone is still feeling up to it."

"Rosalie has a message board?"

"Well, she frequents one. She's pretty much a huge computer geek, went to DefCon this past summer." At my blank look, he added, "That's a convention in Vegas for computer tech stuff, I believe."

"That's so weird." The image of the gorgeous blond Valkyrie on a computer till all hours just did not mesh in my head.

Edward chuckled. "Granted, when she first moved in with us, she looked a lot more like a computer geek. Alice totally went nuts making her over. She actually said that it was like having a real-life Barbie doll."

And then we were at school. We got some serious stares when we got out of the Volvo together. The rest of the Cullens arrived in a really nice sports car that I didn't recognize the emblem of. Alice was driving. Edward went tense when he saw it. "What the heck," he muttered.

"What's wrong?"

"Alice drove my car!"

"How many cars do you have, Edward?"

"Just one, but I don't usually drive the Vanquish. Carlisle has a Mercedes - and a Land Rover for taking all of us out. Jasper has a Camero, Rosalie has a BMW convertible, and Emmett has a Jeep. And technically the Volvo is for any of us, but I like it more than the rest."

I was boggling. "You each have a car?"

He nodded. "Well, when my mother died, she was quite young and had a decent insurance policy. And Carlisle's parents were well off, and they just died a few years back, before Emmett turned sixteen. And remember we were living in L.A. It's not so easy to get around without a car."

"Why doesn't Alice have a car of her own?"

"Well, Jasper actually got his Camero for free and restored it, otherwise he wouldn't have a car either. It was a present for getting straight A's in tenth grade."

"So all of you but Jasper and Alice got straight A's?"

"Right." We walked hand-in-hand to the school buildings. "I'll see you for lunch?" At my nod, he leaned over and kissed my forehead again. "See you," he whispered.

Eric, Mike and Jessica were standing nearby as he walked off, all staring at either me or Edward. Jessica was the first to break the silence. "I _told_ your ass," she said, grinning.

"You sure did. I'll see you in Trig?"

"I want details!" she yelled as we walked to our respective first periods.

Mike and Eric were looking at me as we walked into English: Eric with wistful regret, Mike with a confused "why am I with Jessica again?" look. "So it's official?" he asked me as we sat down.

"Pretty much."

I barely heard him mutter "lucky bastard" as the bell rang.

Tyler had to have heard the news – Edward's actions a few days ago might have initially convinced him we were already together, but his reaction probably made him think it was over before it started. It almost was, anyway. But Tyler ignored me as coolly as he always had, perhaps even moreso due to Edward's warnings.

On the way to Trig, Jessica found me and squealed, "Omigod, Edward freakin' Cullen! Bella!"

"I know!" Normally Jessica's hyperactivity wore me out in response, but I was just too happy about having Edward as my boyfriend. Plus, I knew she was totally jealous, which made me not want to be calm at all. I told her about him declaring his feelings in his car yesterday afternoon, managing to get it all out before the bell rang for class to start.

_That is the most romantic thing I've ever heard!_

I didn't bother replying, just grinned at her.

At lunch, Edward made a show of buying my lunch before sitting between me and Alice at the usual table. My usual table, not Edward's. People were a bit guarded at first, but Alice asked Jessica about her dress for the dance, and that set her off. I did warn everyone that due to my injury, I wouldn't be able to make it out tomorrow. Edward and Alice took my hint and didn't mention our alternate plans.

In Biology we had the second part of the movie. This time we held hands, although that weird electric current thing was still quite obvious - to me at least. When the bell rang, however, Edward asked me if I felt that. I didn't ask what he meant and just nodded. "I'll see you after Gym," he said, kissing my hand.

Mike barely waited for Edward to be out of earshot before he blurted out, "I thought you guys were just friends."

I rolled my eyes at him. "We're going towards not-friends. If you care."

"Weren't you like, all about not dating anyone?"

"Two months ago," I pointed out. "Aren't you dating Jessica?"

"She's kinda clingy," he muttered.

"God, you sound like Tyler talking about Lauren."

He scowled at me, but we were at the gym so that was the end for now. I changed and sat down with a pamphlet about the history of basketball. Way better than playing it any day. I decided to milk this nose thing for as long as I could. Unfortunately Mike kept coming up to me and making snide remarks about Edward.

Finally the last bell rang. After I changed I practically ran to Edward's car. "Hey there," he said when I almost knocked him over. "Glad to see me?"

"Ugh, Newton got on my case about dating you."

Edward frowned and peered over at Mike. "What business is it of his?" he wondered as he opened my door.

"Oh, he kinda asked me out when I first started here, and I told him I wasn't going to be dating anyone. So he threw that in my face again. Really annoying."

After he started the car and left the school lot, Edward said, "I hope you don't feel like I pressured you into dating me..."

"Of course not. I mean, I told you I just wanted to be friends, but that was more like what I thought I should do instead of what I wanted." I blushed.

He grinned and reached out to squeeze my left hand. "Good."

I invited him in but he said he had to get back home for some family time. But he walked me to my door and kissed me on the lips before saying he'd see me tomorrow.


	26. Chapter 25

**Song: Baba O'Reilly, The Who box . net / shared / iaqo8xyvmk**

_**chapter 25**_

I was totally nervous by the time the Cullens picked me up, around 4pm Saturday. Edward said we'd get dinner in Olympia or Tacoma – depending on how long it took us – and get to the Vera Project by the time the second act went on. I was wearing my nicest pair of skinny jeans, cowboy boots, and an asymmetrically-cut short-sleeve sweater. And a leather motorcycle-style jacket to top it off. I also went a bit overboard with eyeliner and mascara, and I felt a little bit like an extra from a Whitesnake video.

The sound of Roger Daltry belting out "Teenage wastela-a-a-and! We're all wasted!" preceded the giant Land Rover pulling into my driveway, and they let the stereo blast the ending of the Who song as I ran out the door with my overnight bag. (Charlie was still out fishing, but I'd told him I was spending the night at Alice's.) Emmett was driving, and Jasper had shotgun. Alice and Rosalie were in the middle, leaving the back for Edward and me. I grinned at everyone and said Hi before practically leaping into Edward's arms. There was kissing, although Emmett and Jasper's wolf-whistles cut that short.

I'd only ever hung out with Edward and Alice before. From what I could tell over the course of the four-hour drive, Rosalie and Emmett and Jasper were just as much fun as they were. Maybe even a bit more fun, in a dirty-joke-telling sort of way. Alice and Edward turned red whenever one of the others made a slightly-more-than-PG13-rated comment. Rosalie and Emmett were both pretty nerdy - they didn't even listen to music that didn't sound like it wasn't made by a computer - whereas Jasper was a lot more down-to-earth. The Hales both had a slight Texan accent, but Jasper's got more pronounced as he got excited, while Rosalie's became less obvious. They talked about Texas, and L.A., and Seattle. I'd never been to Seattle (the airport isn't in the city proper, but about halfway between it and Tacoma), so I tried to encourage their talk about it. During their childhood they'd come up here a few times, since Esme's family was from the area originally (which was why they had a house in Forks). Alice was a little disparaging of Seattle compared to L.A. or Vancouver when it came to the shopping opportunities, but she admitted having a few favorite boutiques. "Edward loves Blackbird." This was apparently a men's clothing store in which the owners brought back clothing from NYC to fill it up. Edward conceded that he liked it, but it was even a bit expensive for him. I'd never ever heard him talk about money like a normal person before, so I figured the stuff must have been really expensive.

So the trip was fun, we stopped every ninety minutes or so to use the restroom and switch drivers and music, the traffic near the cities wasn't bad, and we stopped at a quirky coffee shop shaped like an actual coffee pot for dinner. We found parking not too far from the club once we got to Seattle, although we did have to go up a really steep hill for two blocks. "That just means we'll be downhill on the return," pointed out Jasper, who'd been driving this leg. Edward gave everyone earplugs when we got inside in time for the second act, just as they'd predicted. The boys got Red Bull and shared them with their girls - not that Jasper and Alice were really like that, but she seemed pleased by this gesture.

It was too loud to talk, so we just stood up next to each other. I was standing directly in front of Edward, since he's six inches taller than me, and his arms were wrapped tightly around me. We went up really close to the band, who were pretty decent. (I was pretty grateful for the earplugs at this point. I hadn't ever been to a rock show before, even though this was a pretty small venue, it was loud.) But I was content to sway to the music with Edward pressed up behind me. (He tried not to push his groin against me, but I could still feel something happy against my butt every now and again. It was slightly weird but slightly exciting, to know that I had that effect on him.)

There was a break before the main act, during which every single female went to pee, including our group. Alice was super excited and talking at a higher pitch than ever, as Jasper had been just as hands-on with her as Emmett and Edward with Rose and me. "Maybe tonight..." she said wistfully. "What about this party, Rose?"

"What about it? Terra Byte's hosting it at her place."

"Terra Byte?" I asked.

"Well, her real name's Tia, that's her op handle," she explained. "She's kind of a poseur really, but she throws great parties. Her boyfriend is a dealer and she's an escort."

My jaw dropped. "An escort! Like, has sex for money?"

She shrugged. "Not anymore, Benjamin's not into that crap. Well, they kind of have a rocky relationship, but they're on right now, and so she's not working."

"And her boyfriend is a drug dealer?" Alice said in a faux whisper. "What kind of party is this?"

"It's fine!" insisted Rose. "No one will pressure you. That's the thing about these parties, they really don't care. In fact they like non-drinkers better, so they don't run out. Same goes for the drugs."

"Do they know we're all underage?" I asked.

Rosalie nodded. "They don't play music loudly so they never get the cops called. It's fine."

As we rejoined the boys, Edward practically lifted me up in the air. "Missed me?" I asked.

He grinned and kissed me on the cheek. "Just a little."

We settled back in and watched The Butchies play. They were pretty kickass, kinda like the Ramones but all-girls. And then it was off to Tia's house party.

_**note: Sorry for the delay, guys. Had to plan my boyfriend's 30th. **_

**Bob's Java Jive : www roadsideamerica com/ set/ coffee . html**


	27. Chapter 26

**_song: "Nietzche" by the Dandy Warhols, _box . net / shared / 6x6omxfu56 **

_**chapter 26**_

Rosalie took the wheel to get us to Tia's. He got on I-5 to 520, took the University exit going the opposite direction, and drove behind a bus till he turned left down a hill that went straight down to Lake Washington. We turned into a gravel road that had a street sign, but seemed more like a driveway, and took it to the end and parked. There were quite a few vehicles parked haphazardly outside of the garage. "This is Tia's," announced Rosalie, a bit unnecessarily.

The house itself was big and pretty, like the others on the hill surrounding it. We took our shoes off in the entranceway. It was just about eleven, not too many people were there yet. The kitchen/dining area was the first real room, and as we entered, a girl about Alice's size but with a less boyish build and very long dark hair shrieked and hugged Rose. "You guys came! Oh my God!"

"Tia, this is Emmett, Jasper, Alice, Edward, Bella. Guys, this is Tia." She shook all of our hands and we each repeated our names.

"I can't believe you made it, this is awesome!" she gushed. I found it hard to believe that this was the woman Rosalie said had sex with strangers for money. Rosalie looked more like what I'd think men would want, after all. Tia was twenty-three apparently, but she looked our age. Of course, me and Edward were the only ones of us who looked anywhere close to being in high school anyway, even Alice looked older somehow.

She introduced us to the few other people who were there. Rosalie knew most of them by their aliases if not their real names: Mod, 8-bit, Downpipe, Hash. Her boyfriend Benjamin and his roommate Peter and his girlfriend Charlotte didn't have those nicknames, she'd met them all at Burning Man. They all had beers but didn't care when we grabbed soda cans, as Rosalie had promised.

Rose and Emmett were talking to people about their computer jobs. Some people worked at Microsoft, some at Amazon. Tia's housemate apparently was an independent contractor who worked onsite wherever they needed him, and at the moment that was Miami. We all sighed a little when we heard that, jealous. The weather in Seattle is a little better than Forks, but not in the winter.

Alice had asked Tia about her shoes, and they went off talking about brands. Edward was talking to someone about the piano in the corner. Benjamin rolled his eyes at his girlfriend and asked me and Jasper if we wanted the tour. The ground floor was simple, the open space of the kitchen and dining area, and a living room and half bath; downstairs was a couple bedrooms and an office; but upstairs was the bomb. It was a refinished attic with the resultant vaulted ceiling, lots of sofas and bean bags, a bunch of computers and video game consoles, and a projector and movie screen. And a loft area with a futon for crashing guests.

He plopped on one of the couches then turned a movie on through the projector, turning down the volume. "It's still early but I figured…" And with that, he reached under a coffee table and pulled out a giant piece of round glass with white lines of powder neatly cut out on it. I wanted to roll my eyes. "Feel free to join in."

"I'm good," I said, but Jasper was biting his lip. "Go for it man," I said.

While Jasper snorted up a couple lines, Benjamin whispered in my ear, "He didn't do this to you, did he?" indicating my nose.

"Girl at school," I replied.

"I'm gonna go talk to Alice," announced Jasper, and ran downstairs.

Benjamin smirked. "Well, I've got sharps if your nose is too bunged up."

There was no way on earth I was going to shoot up coke, but I was a little curious why he had needles. "Do you have anything else for use?"

"Not for public use," he said cautiously. Pointing to the mirror, he said, "Tia bought half an ounce for this weekend, but sometimes we partake of other things."

"Maybe we can talk later," I said.

"What are you interested in?"

"Mainly I like weed…"

He nodded. "There's a bong downstairs, the guy with the weed should be here around midnight."

"I've been known to smoke black things."

"Seriously?" He snorted. "What a waste."

I shrugged. "Kinda scared of needles."

He gave me a look before he pushed my arm warmer down. I guess he was expecting to see track marks, but when he didn't, he shot his wide eyes at me and I yanked the arm warmer back up to my elbow.

"Not afraid of blood, then."

"None of your business," I snapped and ran downstairs before I started crying. I yelled "Tequila shots!" and a few people including Tia joined me. She already had a lime cut up. I could feel Edward's disapproving gaze on me, but he didn't know it could be so much worse. So we took our tequila shots and then I started talking to Charlotte.

She was a college student in her third year at UW, and actually had gone to college in Arizona, following a boyfriend who turned out to be a jerk. So she came back to live with her parents and finish her schooling. We shot the shit about AZ for a while. I couldn't believe it had only been three months since I'd lived there.

Soon more people arrived, and the music got a little louder, and the promised weed appeared. The tequila had worn off by now, so I had no qualms about indulging with about five other people passing a joint around. After I had two hits, Edward asked if I would come with him upstairs.

We went up and then climbed into the loft. "I thought you'd had enough for now," he said softly, "and I needed to be alone with you."

Well, I didn't need to be told twice. I was angrier than ever at Lauren Mallory for fucking up my face and preventing me from seriously making out with Edward Cullen, but we kissed a little and he held me in his arms and he was shaking as he kissed a trail along my collarbone, then licking and biting at my neck, very lightly. And then he was biting my collarbone not-so-lightly and I moaned and that just made him bite harder – and my hand went to the back of his thigh and squeezed and he moaned too and he bit me again and _Jesus_ was I going to have some serious hickeys tomorrow.

The second I grabbed his thigh, he'd thrust against my hip, and I felt him grinding his hard-on against me. "Edward," I moaned, and he pulled his mouth from my neck and pushed it against mine and kissed me harder and wetter than he ever had before, and I couldn't believe the way his tongue was pushing into my mouth like he was the high one, not me. His hands were in my hair, pulling through and pushing me closer and he bit my lower lip and wow was this hot. I turned my hips so that they were against his, and as we pushed our crotches against each other I felt like mine was on fire.

"God, Bella," he panted. "You drive me absolutely crazy."

"Me too," I gasped before moving my lips back to his. He groaned and kissed me briefly before moving his lips down my jawline and back to my collarbone, except he pushed my sweater down a little more. I broke out of his grasp and removed the sweater. I had a tank top on underneath. I smiled at him but he wasn't smiling at me. His expression was almost blank.

"What's wrong?" I asked, putting my hand on his exquisite jawline.

He closed his eyes, sighed, and nuzzled at my hand. "We really should stop." He punctuated each word with a kiss on a different finger.

"Really?" I said in a rather cross tone.

"I'm sorry Bella. We should get back to the party." He picked up my sweater and handed it to me.

I tried not to get upset. "I need a minute, I'll see you back down there."

He kissed me on the forehead before he left. I wasn't really upset, but it wasn't exactly good for the ego when the boy you were making out with wants to stop for no discernable reason, before you even get to second base. Bleh. Whatever.

I composed myself, put the sweater back on, and climbed out of the loft. When I got back down, Benjamin was there fiddling with the mirror. I couldn't tell if he noticed me, but he was in his own little world as he prepared an injection of cocaine. I watched him silently as he tapped for a vein, then pushed the tip of the needle in. As soon as he registered he pushed the plunger down, then grabbed a tissue from the box on the table to put on the wound as he pulled the needle back out. Blood bloomed on the white tissue as he sighed and lolled his head backwards.

"Can I get a package of sharps from you?" I asked. He held up a finger – one second. I waited as he put his head between his knees and groaned. He then sat up and took his hoodie off.

"Shit makes you warm," he explained, then reached into a bag next to him and pulled out a bag with ten insulin syringes in it. He wrapped it in his hoodie and told me to keep it, as he had five more identical ones.

"Thanks," I said, and went downstairs.

I managed to hide the package in one of the pockets of my coat and just dropped the hoodie on a couch before Edward saw me. He put his arm around my shoulders and squeezed me to him but didn't say anything.

We ended up staying till after two - Jasper volunteered to drive the first leg, but everyone else fell asleep and didn't wake up till he stopped at my place. Edward barely woke up, but he kissed me bye and mumbled "call you later." Charlie was still asleep, thankfully, so I went inside quietly and fell asleep almost immediately.

_**PSA: This is mostly based on people I used to party with when I first moved to Seattle 8-9 years ago. None of these people died from drugs, although many of them lost a lot of their paychecks to abuse, and a few also lost girlfriends/boyfriends and jobs. There's a difference between use and abuse, but with certain drugs that line is easier to cross than others. If you do coke more than once a month, then you will cross that line. Be careful out there.  
**_


	28. Chapter 27

_**chapter 27**_

I caught up on my sleep and finished my homework Sunday. When Edward called, I didn't mention taking the needles (which were now in my underwear drawer unopened) but I did ask about Jasper. I pretended to be curious as to how he managed to drive the whole way without a single break.

"I think he was just on edge. He kind of had a drinking problem for a while, so when he goes to parties he can be a little twitchy," Edward told me.

"He had a drinking problem? Really?"

"Yeah. Well, he did all kinds of stuff but the booze was the worst. He almost never goes out anymore to avoid the temptation. Emmett and I talked to him Saturday actually to make sure he would be ok."

I felt slightly guilty now, but I didn't think it was my place to tell about Jasper's activities if he wasn't going to. "Well he's lucky you watched out for him."

"I'm lucky," he chuckled. "See you tomorrow, Bella. Miss you."

"You too."

Sunday dragged on before and after the phone call. Jessica and Angela both called to tell me about the dance. It didn't sound like I'd missed much, although Angela certainly sounded as though she'd had a better time than Jess. I had pretended that my busted nose prevented me from doing anything and told no one anything about going to Seattle with the Cullens.

Edward picked me up Monday morning, and we ate lunch together at my usual table. Lauren was not back after her suspension; the talk was that she was transferring to the reservation school near La Push. Good riddance, I thought.

He and Alice came over to do homework that night, and it seemed we had a routine. The same thing happened every day for the rest of the week, till it was Friday again.

That morning he asked if I would consider coming over to his place. I realized I'd never been. I said that would be cool, although I was a bit nervous about meeting his parents. Well, his mom – of course I'd met his father. I realized that I'd actually told Carlisle about my pot smoking, and while he hadn't told Edward, he hadn't known at the time that we'd end up dating. So now my boyfriend's Mormon parents already thought I was a pothead. That made me even more nervous.

I hid in the bathroom after school let out and called my dad to tell him I wouldn't be home till curfew.

"Meeting the Cullens?"

"I've met most of them," I said.

"Except for Esme?"

"Yeah."

He chuckled. "Nervous?"

"Of course I'm nervous. They'll hate me."

"Don't be silly, Bells," he told me, but I didn't think I was being silly at all. I didn't tell him that of course.

I did take half a Valium before going to Edward's car, though.

"Hey gorgeous," he said as he opened my door and kissed me on the cheek.

"Hey yourself," I said.

"Alice is really looking forward to having you over tonight," he informed me. "Esme's making chicken marsala."

"Hm, I hope I can eat."

He rubbed the back of my neck as we drove off. "Don't be nervous," he said softly.

"Your dad is my doctor," I blurted out. "How can I not be nervous?"

"Well, for one thing, he won't be home till right before dinner. And for another, he hasn't exactly told his wife about your deep dark secrets, and neither have I. All Esme knows is that you're the pretty girl I'm totally obsessed with." He smiled at me, and I felt less nervous, and more … excited.

The plan was to watch a movie after dinner, but that left a few hours to kill before, and I wasn't sure exactly what he intended. I didn't ask. He hadn't been terribly physical the previous week – affectionate, sure. He'd kiss the sides of my face and my hands and wrists, and we hugged hello and goodbye, but that was it. He was always trying to touch me, sure, but in a way that didn't even make Charlie blink. And I hadn't at all mentioned his behavior at the party, hoping he'd bring it up. But I had to face facts: he hadn't mentioned it either.

"So, what are we going to be doing before dinner?"

"Well, I was thinking I could show you my music room."

"Right, you play violin."

He nodded. "The attic's been made over as a recording studio, more or less. It's really neat. I wanted to play a few songs for you."

"For three hours?"

"No, not for three hours."

I felt so shy. I didn't know why; with James I'd never had a problem asking if he wanted to make out or whatever. Of course, that was probably because I always knew the answer would be yes.

I watched the trees go by. We had left Forks itself, north past the Calawah River and were now on barely-marked roads. Edward drove fast but not unreasonably so; you could feel the g-forces but not like a roller coaster. So despite the distance we were at their house before very long. It was a striking sight, faded white with the south wall made entirely of glass.

Edward saw me staring. "Do you like it? Esme redesigned it after inheriting it."

"It's beautiful." I saw the porch was glassed in and wrapped around the entire first floor. There was plenty of places to sit. I could imagine sitting there even on a cold sunny winter day, letting the radiation heat it up.

"Let me take you on the tour." We went inside and everything was white – walls, carpet, furniture, lamps, curtains… I could see the kitchen to the north, and the river through the glass south wall. There were no interior walls, the first floor was just one enormous room. Although the dining area appeared to be screened off with Japanese silk dividers. There were a few pieces of Rothko prints on the wall, and two or three tasteful white modern sculptures.

We headed to a huge spiraling staircase and walked up to the second floor. The hallway actually kept spiraling gently to the third floor. "The bedrooms are on the second floor, except for mine." There was the master bedroom, two small rooms for Rosalie and Emmett, two slightly larger rooms for Alice and Jasper – "The girls used to have the two big rooms, but Jasper and Rose swapped" – and two bathrooms.

The top floor was smaller, with just a small bathroom with a shower, the music room, and Edward's room. The music room was on the north and his was on the south, so he had that window/wall with what must be an amazing view during the day.

In the music room, he had two violins – an older acoustic one that was his great-grandfather's originally, and a cheaper one that he'd put electric hookups in. He had a piece of plywood with about ten colored pedals attached to it. He plugged the violin into one of them, and wired the opposite pedal into an amp, and started playing. He took his shoes and socks off and kept adjusting the pedals as he played – since he needed both hands for the violin, he used his toes. I didn't watch much, though - there was a beanbag to the side which I collapsed in and I closed my eyes and listened. At first it just sounded like a violin, but with weird ghostly echoes. Then he started to, well, rock out - Hendrix on violin. If I hadn't known it was a violin I would have sworn it was a guitar - although there were edges to it that were softer than a guitar. But he plucked it as well as bowed it, and the pedals distorted the noise.

After a while - I'm not sure how long - he stopped playing. I looked up and smiled. "That was pretty kickass."

"Thanks." He was frowning though. "I think I need to replace the flanger. It's the oldest one I have, Carlisle got it for me the first time he played _Dark Side of the Moon_ for us." He pointed out a lavender pedal to me.

Suddenly a knock on the door made us both jump, and it slowly opened. "Hey guys," said Alice. "Dinner's about ready."

_**author's notes: To hear something similar to what I have Edward doing here, check out box . net / shared / 176h4tzmiu. For a pedal setup, farm4 . static . flickr . com / 3208 / 2866993676_23d7d799bb_?zz=1**_


	29. Chapter 28

**Foo Fighters, "Everlong" - box . net / shared / yeu8esuk7t**

_**chapter 28**_

I was suddenly nervous as hell about meeting Esme Cullen, Edward and Alice's mom since they were three or so. Alice noticed me taking deep breaths and came over to hug me. "Don't worry!" she whispered, but how could I not? Esme probably knew as much as her husband about me and my history, if not as much as Edward. But one thing was true: no matter what, I had to go downstairs and at least say hi before I could pretend to want to vomit.

Edward held my hand as we walked down the spiral staircase. If my nerves weren't already bad enough, going all the way straight down the helix made me dizzy and really ill. Edward felt me squeezing his hand and stopped, guessing the cause.

"I know this seems silly," he said as he turned me around, "but it really helps." And he totally guided me backwards down the next two stories. The ridiculousness of it made me giggle, which of course relieved my nerves a bit. _Hi Esme. Lovely home you designed here. That staircase is a lot better taken backwards._

She was serving dinner as we approached the dining area. If I hadn't known she was nineteen when her older sister died, I would have sworn she wasn't yet thirty. I could see where her nieces and nephews got their looks, at any rate. Beautiful woman with caramel-honey hair, not much taller than Alice, Edward's green eyes and a dazzling smile. It was really a pity that she and Carlisle were unable to have children, as I could imagine the combination of genes from them would result in a gorgeous son or daughter.

"You must be Bella," she gushed. "I remember your mother, you're just as lovely as she was at your age."

I could feel a blush creeping up, but Edward was grinning and put his arm around my shoulder. "Thank you Mrs. Cullen," I said.

"Oh please call me Esme, Mrs. Cullen is my mother-in-law." She finished serving the chicken and salad to everyone and they sat. Everyone was there except Carlisle. "I hope you don't mind if we start without Carlisle, he said he'd be another half hour before he could even think about leaving."

"Sure," I said, glad that I only had the eyes of one parent on me. "Thanks for dinner. It smells great. And by the way, I'm sure you hear this all the time, but this house is absolutely gorgeous."

"Well thank you, Bella. It was actually one of my first projects in school, remodeling our childhood homes into our dream homes. I saved the plans for years, but I never thought I'd really be able to do it. Took almost a year to get it in shape, but definitely worth it I think."

"Definitely," I agreed. "Edward tells me you still go into Seattle once a week?"

"That's right, I put in some face time at the firm every Monday."

"Enough shop talk, Esme," groaned Emmett. He then started talking about this video game he and Rosalie got an advance copy of from one of the designers, but I zoned out. Instead I concentrated on the chicken – tarragon, lemon and rosemary – and Edward. We kept sneaking smiles at each other, and his left hand would graze my knee or thigh every so often. His jaw moved up and down as he chewed and swallowed his food, and there was something weirdly hot about it. I hadn't really noticed it before, but he had an oddly masculine jaw.

Esme asked him a question about school – if we had any other classes besides Biology – and he answered no.

"I was taking French back in Arizona. The only person who couldn't speak Spanish in the whole state," I joked. "So I'm in Spanish I now, but there's enough similarities that it's pretty easy."

"If you have trouble you ought to have Edward tutor you. He and Alice learned it from our housekeeper in L.A. when they were still babies," said Esme.

The dinner went on like that, with Emmett, Jasper and Edward taking multiple helpings, till everyone was done and the girls put their plates in the dishwasher, Alice taking mine. I followed anyway, to see that Esme had baked a cheesecake.

"Mmmm, I think if I don't go to college I'll go to culinary school, or become a dessert chef," I said.

"Alice mentioned you like to cook. I hope dinner was up to snuff?"

"Definitely. And it looks like dessert will be too."

It was.

Carlisle got home while I was washing my hands before dessert, but he was quiet as he ate a rushed dinner, then dessert. The rest of us went downstairs into the basement – finished as a movie room, really, with graded floors and only sofas instead of seats. Each couple grabbed a sofa and Emmett announced "Matrix Trilogy!" The rest of us (except Rosalie) groaned, but I defended the first one and we all settled in. Even Alice and Jasper got cozier than I thought they'd be from her complaints.

Edward and I managed to watch till Neo "woke up" before the cuddling turned into making out.

But he still wouldn't go beyond first base.

I didn't really know what to do. I mean, he kept saying whatever I wanted was fine, but at the same time, I didn't want to push things.

Until the underground rave/sex scene started.

At which point I just pushed him onto the couch - which we'd been completely vertical on till that point - intertwined my legs in his, and grabbed his ass cheeks, one in each hand.

He let out a soft hiss that probably no one heard over the techno in the movie, and then, oh gloriousness, he reciprocrated. Edward Cullen's hands were squeezing my butt. I responded by biting his collarbone and grinding my pelvis against his. I could feel his hardon, I didn't have a lot of room for comparison, but from what I remembered it seemed even bigger than James'. And the first time I'd felt him in a similar situation, he'd seemed impossibly large as well. But I'd never actually touched or saw it unclothed. I was hoping I would with Edward, though.

While I was thinking about how I might actually want to give Edward a blowjob in a few weeks, he used his strength to push me off him, and sat up.

I felt absolutely guilty. "Too much?" I whispered.

He kissed me quick on the lips. "Always, Bella. Jesus. You have no idea." He then got up from the sofa and went up the stairs. He wasn't that long, though, but he was wearing his jacket again and had his car keys. "Shall we?"

I was a little surprised - the car? couldn't we just go up to his room? - but acquiesced.

The destination ended up being my house. I was surprised as hell.

"I'll give you a call tomorrow, sweetheart," he said before kissing me goodnight at the door. "Sleep well."

Uh.

_**author's note: I'm in the process of a new Twilight fanfic, AU-vamp this time. Carlisle/Esme/Rose/Emmett are fairly canon, but Edward never came back to Carlisle after stepping out, and he met Jasper first, then they went to work for the Volturi. Probably still Team Edward, but really really dark and Underworld-y. That means Werewolves, yes it does. The Volturi are a lot more active in this AU than in SM's. If I were a secret vampire cabal running the world, I'd damn well run it, ya know?**_

_**So it's called "Volturi Outpost 23: Forks" and the prologue is up, check it out!  
**_


	30. Chapter 29

**chapter song: "Everything I Build", The Stills (box . net / shared / gnzt3krphz**

_**chapter 29**_

Charlie was waiting up for me, but when he saw me he turned in. I was a little annoyed – I had told him I was at the Cullens' – but I tried not to let it show.

As I got ready for bed, I realized that the truth was that I was just really sexually frustrated. Which was very strange. I'd never felt _denied _with James. But then, I was the inexperienced one there. And I couldn't deny that Edward turned me on far more than James ever had. Whether that was because he was so much better looking, or nicer to me, or I was older, I didn't know. Maybe it was just plain chemistry. If I'd never met James, I'd probably be going a bit slower with Edward, but I'd end up here anyway.

While I was pondering this, a crack! noise against my window almost made me scream. I kept my head, though, and looked outside. A tall handsome boy waved at me. I grinned and opened the window and saw clearly that it was ...

_Jasper?_

I put my finger against my lip, then pointed downstairs. He nodded and went around the house. I followed, completely puzzled.

I opened the front door and stood there. "Jasper, what are you doing here?" I asked.

"I wanted to know if you had Tyler's number," he mumbled.

My jaw dropped. "You- you're serious?" I thought back to the party, he had snorted lines of coke in front of me, but I thought he had stopped at that. I knew he hadn't had anything to drink, but he was somehow able to drive the entire journey back from Seattle to Forks without a single break. Maybe he'd gone up for more. "How much did you do at that party?"

"Not so much that I needed to ask you for Tyler's number till now," he said sheepishly.

I really didn't know what to do. "Maybe you should just have a beer."

His eyes widened. "That works." We quietly slipped in.

"Just go upstairs, I'll be there in a minute," I said before grabbing a can of Rainier. I also found a flask-sized bottle of dark rum behind the sugar; that went in my back waistband, since my PJ pants had no pockets.

Jasper was sitting on my bed, looking longingly at the can of beer in my hands. I sighed and popped it open for him; he guzzled it. While he drained the beer, I looked for a travel-sized shampoo bottle – Renee had bought me a kit after 9-11, but I only used half of it. I found a never-used bottle and put it on top of my dresser. Out of my underwear drawer, I pulled out the pack of insulin syringes I'd gotten at the party. I took one out, took it and the bottle to the bathroom, and put three milliliters of water in it. Not much. I came back and put the gram of heroin I'd bought in January in the bottle, and started gently shaking and agitating it so it would dissolve.

Jasper was finished the can and staring at me. I handed him the bottle of rum and said, "I can keep a secret if you can."

He blinked, shook his head. "Yeah. I can. Um. Do you – are you -"

"I haven't touched the stuff since November," I told him. "You?"

"Uh. Well. Since November, but the previous year."

"Good boy." I was pacing and shaking the bottle.

"Uh, that _is_ heroin, right?" he finally asked. I rolled my eyes at him. He shrugged and took a small sip of rum. "Echhh. I just never seen no one do that." His accent was the strongest I'd ever heard it.

"My ex told me about it. I mean, I only smoked it back home, but..."

"But you didn't live with a cop?" he guessed.

I nodded. "So why don't you just sleep with Alice, anyway?"

He was in the middle of another sip when I surprised him with that question and did a spit-take. I tried not to giggle. "Damn, girl, start off easy why don'tcha. I'm trying to be a good boy, all right?"

"I mean, you came over asking for access to hard drugs. I assumed it was 'cause you were horny." _Because I certainly am._

"Not like that with us," he said distractedly.

"I know, Alice says it's not like anything with you."

He scowled. "Mind yer own business."

"Again, you came over here, not the other way around."

"Well, if you really gotta know, I'm in love with her, and I want to make her happy, and the only thing she wants is a proper LDS temple sealing and all that. So I gotta take the steps to be worthy for that. For her."

"And what's this?" I pointed at the can and bottle.

He thought for a minute. "A small lapse."

I laughed and looked at my "lapse." There was a small bit of tar not dissolved, so I decided that was that. I took out the spoon, lighter, alcohol and Q-tips I'd hid when I got the tar in the first place, drew out 30 units (or .3mL) of the dissolved stuff, squirted it softly into the spoon, then lit underneath the spoon, waving the lighter till bubbles just started to appear. I then dropped a bit of rolled cotton from a Q-tip into the spoon, and pulled it out with the needle pressed against the cotton. Finally, I pushed the top of my pajama pants down a little, rubbed some alcohol against my hip, and pushed the needle in. "If you're getting fucked up, so am I," I told him, then ran some alcohol through the needle. I hopefully wouldn't have to re-use it, but just in case, better safe than sorry. I then put everything back in my underwear drawer and sat down on the other side of the bed, nowhere near Jasper.

"I'll go sleep in my car when I can't stand up straight," he promised.

"Thanks," I said. I didn't want to have to explain to Charlie what Jasper was doing here, if he slept on the couch. "So you just got triggered really hard?"

"Pretty much, yeah. After our parents died, hell, even before, I was acting out quite a bit. And Edward and Emmett were getting interested too. That's really what stopped me, I was feelin' guilty over corruptin' them."

"This I hadn't heard."

He chuckled. "All they really did was drink a couple times till they puked, and watched a couple pornos. Nothin' to write home about, but I was afraid they'd sink down to where I was."

Something about Jasper made me feel like opening up, and, well, I wasn't wearing my arm warmers anyway, so I started talking about my own descent. He was quiet while I spoke, just nodding and agreeing.

I even told him about the hospital, something I hadn't told Edward about. Granted, Edward already knew about it, having read my records, but still. I finally got to the decision that I didn't make to move to Forks, and Jasper stood up.

"I appreciate you tellin' me all this, honey, but I really must go to my car now. Do sleep well."

"I will." The heroin hadn't fully kicked in, but it would soon, and I was feeling dizzy already. And, _Thank God!_, not a bit horny.


	31. Chapter 30

**Song: Love and Rockets, "So Alive" - box . net / shared / k5h0dqpqa2**

_**Author's note: Over 50k words and 30 chapters! Thanks for all the reviews and favorites!**_

_**Chapter 30**_

I woke up feeling a little groggy. Suddenly the events of last night rushed to me, and I felt incredibly horrible and guilty. "Oh no," I muttered, and hoped Charlie wasn't up yet.

He was, but already gone. The note said he was at the station. I sighed with relief and cleaned up the evidence of Jasper's and my... debauchery. I'd already put my stuff away, so I just had to crush the beer cans and put them in recycling. No big deal. Jasper too was already gone, thank God.

I didn't know what to do now. This couldn't happen again. I didn't really know what Jasper's deal was, beyond wanting it – but what had triggered him to want it? I knew what triggered me, anyway, and that was what I was going to talk to Edward about. While Charlie was gone. I took a shower before calling him.

"Hi, Bella!"

"Can you come over? I need to talk to you."

"Sure, what's wrong?"

I tried to laugh. "Nothing, Charlie's just at the station, so we can have some privacy."

"Oh. Ok." He didn't sound anymore excited than I was, but said he'd come by in forty-five minutes. I was feeling pretty nervous. Telling him everything about what I'd done after he dropped me off was the last thing I wanted to do, so I planned only on getting some action. No need to talk in that case, right? But it was something new for us, so I was nervous. I tidied up my bedroom, then the bathroom, then the living room, and was about to start on the kitchen when the doorbell rang.

_Ugh, I smell like ammonia_, I thought as I opened the door. "Hey sweetheart," he said, kissing my cheek. "Guess what? Carlisle says you can take off the splint!"

"Seriously?"

He nodded. "It's supposed to be after two weeks, but he said it was close enough."

I went into the guest bathroom and carefully removed the nose splint. I still didn't look that great, but the bruises were yellowing from the original purple. In two more weeks they'd be so much better, and two weeks after that, gone. I grinned and went back out. "Ta-da!" I said and circled around unnecessarily.

"You're gorgeous," he pronounced, grabbing my shoulders and pulling me towards him so we could kiss. The kiss deepened steadily, as our kisses normally did, and I guided him towards the couch. I was feeling a little desperate and I practically shoved my tongue down his throat. "Bella," he gasped, turning just enough so he could speak, "what's gotten into you?"

"I want you," I whispered in his ear. "Charlie's not home."

Wrong thing to say. He jumped to his feet. "I - I - Bella, I -"

I put my hand on his chest and looked up at him through my eyelashes. "Edward, it's ok. Whatever you feel comfortable with, right?"

He sat down next to me. "You don't understand, Bella."

"I just know we're stalled on first base and you won't touch me anywhere!"

"Argh!" He pulled at his hair. "Bella, do you realize at all what you do to me?"

I glared at him and snuck my hand onto his hip. "I have had a boyfriend before, you know. I am aware," I said as I tapped his crotch once with my pinky.

Of course he twitched and jerked his hips back. "Bella," he hissed.

"You keep saying I don't understand, I don't know what I do to you. Well, Jesus Christ, tell me already. What, I turn you on? I make you horny?"

"Yes," he mumbled.

"I feel the same way, Edward. You drive me crazier than anyone else ever has," I told him, stroking his jaw with a finger.

"Bella, sweetheart, it's not the same for girls."

I froze my finger. "You did not just say that."

He raised his hands in a defensive gesture. "Come on, men reach their sexual peaks at eighteen, it's scientific fact."

"That's just testosterone levels," I countered. "Not like they know what to do."

Edward started laughing. "I sure don't know what to do!"

The tension eased a little bit. "I don't really know either, but I want to learn with you," I pleaded, taking his hand.

"You don't know what you're asking for, Bella."

"I have the Internet," I retorted. "I've seen pictures."

"Pictures don't convey the male libido. Rape statistics, on the other hand..."

"Are you saying you've raped girls?"

His hand tightened on mine. "Don't be absurd. I'm just saying I have self-control, and some men don't."

I didn't think he was right about that - I'd always been told rape was about power, making the victim feel helpless - but instead of continuing the subject, I said, "Your self-control - you make me feel like you don't want me."

"Bella," he said, stroking my arm, "you don't really think that?"

"I meant you make me feel that way. Like last night. You were all over me during the movie, then you wanted to take me home. I felt pretty rejected, you know?" I was looking at the floor. The TV. Anywhere but Edward.

"I'm very sorry I hurt your feelings," he said softly, kissing my temple. "Believe me, that's totally not my intention. I'm - I'm worried if I don't stop, you'll be upset with me. I - really I found you so attractive from the moment I laid eyes on you, Bella. I couldn't stop thinking about you. It was so confusing, I've never - felt such strong lust for one girl before."

"I feel the same way," I whispered. "I didn't fantasize about James making love to me ever, but - with you..."

He picked my chin up so we could look in each other's eyes. "But it's wrong, Bella, don't you understand? It's just lust. We aren't even in love."

"You don't love me." I was a little surprised and hurt - I thought that was what all this was about, the reason he wanted me to be his girlfriend.

"Well, I like you a lot, and I find you very ... sexy, but it's a little soon, don't you think?" He seemed more like he was trying to convince himself.

"We've talked a lot, and hung out a lot, the past month," I pointed out. "I don't think there's a time limit on these things. Besides, we already had our first fight. I thought you wouldn't ever want to speak to me again."

"I was just angry with you. I don't think I'll ever feel like I _never_ want to speak to you." He sighed and pulled me tightly to his chest. "I suppose I'm falling in love with you, but I - I'm not sure yet."

"I think I'm falling in love with you too, Edward," I said, then kissed him softly. "I want - I want to go to my bedroom and take our shirts off."

I felt him swallow. "All right, sweetheart," he said, then we walked up the stairs.

_**author's note: ohhhh cockblock.**_


	32. Chapter 31

_**Yarrrr! Here there be lemons! Rated R, like Cruel Intentions. Listen to Depeche Mode's "In Your Room" to get in the mood. youtube . com / watch ? v=cGvZyrhObrg**_

_**chapter 31**_

Edward was holding my hand, and our hands were sweaty gross, and we walked up to my bedroom. We'd been in there before, but we'd never told each other what we planned to do in there before today. Not that we had gone into detail or anything, but we had some guidelines and boundaries. I wanted to make a joke about a safeword, but I was worried he wouldn't get it. Or maybe that he would.

So. Upstairs. I was sweating everywhere, not just my palms. My heart was racing as I opened the door and walked to the bed. We sat down next to each other, except Edward bounced up and plugged in his iPod and put something on that I'd never heard before, but it did not kill the mood, for sure. It was almost suspicious how much of the music on his iPod made one want to get freaky.

"Nice song. Are you sure you've never done this before?" I finally joked.

He sort of smiled and shook his head gently. "Never really wanted to, Bella. I feel like – like the doors of perception are opening up here. So light-headed. Please, anchor me?"

His soft pleading was irresistable – _he_ was irresistable, of course, really – and I started kissing him softly. Lips against lips, soft against each other. He had the softest lips. I never knew boys could have lips that soft. They felt just so wonderful against mine. I barely parted my lips to feel his lips under my tongue. He let me, moaning gently and quietly all the while, and his hands gripped mine none-too-gently. He pushed down to suck on my lower lip, put his arms around my waist, and pulled me even closer to him. I sort of sighed and put my hands in his hair. "Yes," he whispered, squeezing me, and I gripped his hair and tugged. "Ahhh," he managed to get out, lips so close to mine.

My heart was racing. I thought I could feel his, too. I reached down to his sweater and tried to pull it upwards. He didn't notice what I was doing at first, so intent on the kissing was he, but when he did, he chuckled and broke off the kiss and took off his sweater. "Better?" His voice was a bit hoarse, the first hint that he was at all nervous. Or turned on. Well, besides the obvious...

"Not quite," I teased, and started unbuttoning his Oxford. His breathing was quite heavy, and his pupils were so large I could only see green rims around them.

"I'm definitely falling in love with you," he whispered when I'd finished. Oh my God, he was so gorgeous. Not sculpted muscularly or whatever, but slim and trim and possibly a Greek God. Fine bronze hairs banded his chest - not covering - down to his treasure trail. He smirked at my observing and leaned forward to kiss me again, this time to pull _my_ t-shirt off. I held my breath till it was on the floor. "Ahh. So beautiful," he sighed, and started kissing all my bare skin, being careful to avoid my bra. First my belly then up to my sternum and then collarbone. It seemed odd that the collarbone was more sensitive than say my ears. But it really was, any time he kissed or licked or nipped me there, I totally melted. My brain completely turned to mush. It was so perfectly wonderful. As were the "so, so beautiful" sweet nothings he kept murmuring. I could barely hear him. My eyes were rolled all the way back into my skull.

And then, he really did bite me, hard, on my collarbone. I shrieked, but I hoped I managed to make it sound like a good shriek. He stopped anyway, and asked, "Want me to try that again?" I couldn't speak, just nodded and whimpered. He bit again, slightly lower down the clavicle, even harder, and sucked. Everything went fuzzy, like static on the radio. _Oh dear God, that was beyond perfection_. "Holy shit," I mumbled, and he hummed laughter, the vibrations giving me even more pleasure.

"Do - do you want me to do that?" I attempted to ask. Politeness. Yes.

"Not yet," he told me. "I want to see you."

I took a deep breath, then unhooked my bra. _Note to self: buy some front-closure bras._ B-cups with huge aureoles, here we come. It was difficult to not hunch my shoulders or cross my arms or what-have-you, but the look in his eyes did help. Hungry, dilated pupils, wanting everything he saw in front of him.

"So perfect," he said in just above a whisper. He started to stroke, staring.

"Ohhhh," I moaned. "Ohhhh God."

"Is this ok?"

"You can - use your mouth," I suggested, panting.

He nodded and started to kiss my left breast. I had to lie down, I was so light-headed. _Edward Cullen and I were at second base. Hot damn._ He was being very gentle and amateurish, which wasn't very surprising. I wondered if I should tell him what to do, then decided I'd better. "Suck it?"

"OK," he whispered and latched on to the nipple. He wasn't applying much pressure, but it was more than enough for me.

"Jesus!"

My exclamation spurred him on, and he sucked a bit harder and moved his tongue around. I had to grip the edges of the bed, and I was making all sorts of stupid loud noises. He then switched to the right nipple, and it felt even better. I think I was swearing a lot, but I couldn't be sure. Nothing in my brain seemed to be making sense. Edward's tongue was plugged right into my pleasure center, and that was all that was there for me.

Until he bit my nipple, and reality came crashing back. "Argh!" I shouted and pulled back, thankfully with the nipple still attached and not in his mouth. "That - kinda fuckin' hurt."

"Sorry," he said, abashed, turning red. "I didn't realize - I mean, you liked the - other biting." He pointed to his collarbone.

"This is a more sensitive area, dude."

He looked down. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Bella."

"S'ok, just - not that hard, ok?"

"Yeah. Do you - is it ok if I try again?"

I smiled. "Practice makes perfect."

Turns out, he liked having his nipples sucked, too.

_**author's note: yay, second base!**_


	33. Chapter 32

**_Chapter song: DJ Shadow, Organ Donor www . box . net / shared / y54jn3xzjrsly8a0p7uu_**

**_chapter_****_ 32_**

Edward gently pushed my head off of his chest. "Can – can we stop here?" he asked, panting.

"Sure," I said breathlessly.

"You – you're sure you're ok? You aren't going to call me tomorrow saying you feel rejected, right?" he tried to joke.

"Seriously," I grinned.

"Good," he said, then went to the bathroom. I heard the bathtub faucet turn on, and a minute later Edward was back, shirt still off, head soaking wet. "That actually does help. Huh."

I laughed. "Cold shower?"

"Just my face," he replied. He was holding a towel and bent over to dry off with it. Meanwhile I got my bra on, but before I pulled my shirt on, Edward was next to me, stopping me. "I just want to feel the skin here," he murmured, drawing his finger along my belly. I shivered.

"Come on, I'm going to drag you to the bed again," I informed him, at which point he gave me that smile, the one that was calculated to make me do that very thing. Then he moved both hands to my hips, pulled me close, and gave me the best kiss of my life.

"Jesus," I breathed.

"And now I really do have to go, lovely," he said, pushing me forward a bit and running his eyes over my shirtless body. "I wish I could paint. I'd pose you nude for hours."

And with that he was off.

Holy shit.

It was weird. I was obviously still mostly frustrated – in the physical sense, that is – but I was so _high _that it didn't matter. I couldn't help comparing it to James, while I was certain similar things happened with him, it didn't seem as – wonderful. Or it did, in a way, since we were stoned most of the time. But with Edward, I really didn't need pot, or heroin, or anything else but him.

I felt the need to call someone and talk to them. Normally I'd go for Alice, but I didn't figure on having a conversation with her involving the words "your brother's nipples." And if I called Jessica the whole school would know. I was also pretty sure she wasn't a virgin, what with the way she and Mike had been sucking face in movie theaters a month ago.

So I called Angela. I hadn't hung out with her for a while, so we arranged to have lunch then go skating, just us girls. I went over to her place for lunch.

"So, busy with Edward?" she asked over the sandwich we made from leftover chicken.

"A little," I said, blushing. "What about Eric?"

She giggled. "I guess we've been a little busy too."

She didn't want to be explicit, but I led the way, and she confessed to parking a few times after their dates, when she didn't have an early curfew. Minister's daughters tend to go strongly one of two ways, and she clearly went the latter. "Only the Good Die Young," indeed. But unlike me she was completely satisfied with taking it slow. She hadn't even gotten to second base yet. But then Eric was her very first boyfriend. She hadn't even kissed a boy before him.

"Not even like, spin the bottle? Or five minutes in heaven?"

She turned crimson. "I wasn't allowed at mixed parties till I was sixteen."

And her birthday was a month before mine. Well, technically, eleven months after. She'd only been sixteen since August, while I'd been seventeen since September. But I hadn't had any silly rules like that, and I wasn't an untouchable till high school. Middle school was full of those kinds of parties. No matter how gross you thought a certain boy was, you had to kiss him, unless he was so shy he asked if you minded not. That happened twice, and I told him I'd ask other girls, and both boys had asked it of every girl there. I told Angela about the parties, and those boys, to kill time till the skating rink opened.

This time it was early enough that we were seriously the oldest people there. Actually, we saw two other boys our age, but they were skeezy as hell, clearly there to pick up 13-year-olds. I pointed them out to Angela, who agreed they were totally freaking gross, but then she pointed out that I was dating a boy younger than I was (Edward's birthday was in April) and joked that I was also a cradle-robber. I rolled my eyes at her, then joked about how I'd date Edward even if I was twenty. We both had a good laugh about that, but gave evil eyes to the high school boys. Thank God they weren't from our school.

:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:·:‾:

We went home in time for her to shower and primp for her date with Eric. It apparently hadn't occurred to her to lie to her parents beyond the late curfew – she still went to dinner or movies with him, as she told her parents, instead of skipping them for McDonald's and making out in the back seat. I didn't really want to corrupt her by suggesting it, though, so I just smiled and said I'd see her Monday.

I got home and showered myself – the uh, session with Edward in addition to hours of skating meant I was pretty funky. Charlie had brought home a huge salmon that thankfully he'd already gutted and skinned, so I broiled that in the oven. Fresh caught salmon was so amazingly better than anything you could get in a restaurant, although Charlie pretended it was my cooking skills. "I just added a little butter and lemon and thyme," I protested.

"I don't tell you often enough how much I appreciate you taking care of me like this," he said more seriously.

"You eat everything I cook and ask for seconds," I countered. "I think I know."

He smiled, grabbed a couple Rainiers, and went to the couch. Some Tommy Lee Jones double feature was on HBO. I told him I was just going to go up to read, and did so.

While I was reading my cell rang. The Cullens. Edward usually called me on his own cell, but not always, so I answered with my sultriest voice, "Hey there, I missed you."

"Missed you too darlin'," said a familiar drawl, and heat spread from my face to my toes.

"Jasper. Hi."

"Can I come by?"

"My dad's watching TV."

"Will he care?"

I considered. "If you drink his beer, he will."

"I won't, then."

"OK."

After I hung up, I went downstairs. "Hey, Edward's brother had a fight with him and needs a place to chill out. I said he could come here, is that ok?" He nodded impatiently, gesturing with his beer before sipping it.

**_Sorry for the delay. I was pretty busy going hiking and camping, and then writers block. But it appears to be beaten, so well go back to once a week!_**


	34. Chapter 33

_**Chapter 33**_

I really hoped Jasper didn't want to come over for the same reason as he had the previous night. I made up my mind to tell him straight up that it couldn't happen again.

But I fell asleep waiting for him, and when I woke up there was a text from him on my cell. "Never mind."

Well, ok then.

The next day I got a phone call from Alice: apparently Jasper had taken her out on a proper date last night. Well, that explained the "never mind," but not the initial call.

I let her go on for a while. Jasper was a perfect gentleman, and they had dinner then went to the _symphony_ in Port Angeles. Pulled out her chair, gave her a corsage, it was the perfect night. Although for some reason she didn't sound as excited as her words did. That was really weird – Alice was always excited about everything, it seemed.

Finally she told me that he told her about what had happened at the party. And that Friday night, he'd "driven around for hours wanting to do coke again."

"But he didn't?"

"No," she sighed. "Honestly I suspected something like that at the party. I was so worried about him last night. I'm so glad he managed to pull himself forward though. And that he was honest with me."

I felt like a heel. "Right."

"I told him that as long as he was honest, I could give him my strength," she went on. I was barely paying attention. He hadn't mentioned me. In fact, he lied to cover up my behavior. Granted, he was hiding his drinking too. Was that what he'd wanted to talk to me about?

As soon as we said our goodbyes, I called Jasper.

"I just got off the phone with Alice," I told him.

"I'm real sorry I blew you off last night, but she saw me getting ready to come over, and I figured I owed her more than you. No offense meant."

"None taken," I said. "But you didn't tell her about – Friday."

"No," he sighed. "I was intending to just tell you that – Friday – wouldn't be happening ever again. I wanted to tell you in person so we could be sure of each other."

"Hey, you were the one who came over asking for Tyler's number," I hissed.

He sighed again. "I know. But. Are we good?"

"I guess so. I won't tell her. Or Edward."

"Me either. Have a good day, hon."

I took a deep breath and called Edward.

"Hey beautiful," he said, and all the tension in me was gone.

"Hey yourself," I said. "Want to help me with my Spanish?"

"How about French," he joked, and I groaned.

"Terrible."

"I know. I'll be over in an hour, ok?"

"See you then."

He paused before repeating, "I'll be over in an hour, Beautiful."

The way he said it. I knew it was partly a pun on my name, but partly, he really did think I was beautiful. Hard to believe this boy who was far more beautiful than almost anyone on the planet thought so about me.

There was not much homework done when he came over.

Well. Eventually, we got to Spanish. It just took a while.

This went on for the rest of the week. The month. I finally did make it to his room, although his parents always insisted that his door stay open when I was there. I became less nervous around Carlisle and Esme. And I even started to like Rose and Emmett.

My next appointment with Carlisle was almost funny. I had the same dreamy look in my eyes that I'd had since Edward and I confessed our feelings, and Dr. Cullen joked that he almost wanted to take me off the Prozac.

"Why don't you come by next Monday night? We're playing baseball."

I looked at him like he was crazy. Surely he knew that sports and I were like oil and water.

"You don't have to play," he laughed. "Just be our umpire."

I said ok. Monday nights were normally the one night I could be sure not to see Edward, since they tended to do some Mormon family stuff, but I supposed a baseball game was non-religious enough.

We took the SUV and Emmett's jeep out in the woods, then hiked half a mile to a nice little clearing. I'd been to a few of Phil's games, so I was good for umping. Till I had to take a pee break.

I wasn't a huge fan of pissing in the woods, but what choice did I have? The other girls had all gone without any issues, but then, they went camping a lot. I waited till I couldn't wait any longer. I told Alice what was up, she called time, handed me some tissue, and then I walked out a ways.

I found a giant log next to a big stone. Perfect. I squatted between the two, pushing against the log for leverage, and relieved myself. And boy, was it ever a relief.

I was about to stand up when I heard voices. I froze.

"I don't normally do this, you know," said a woman in the most pissed-off tone I'd ever heard. "Why the hell did you make me come out from Seattle?"

"That car you gave me is a piece of junk! I can't move product up and down the coast in it!"

My heart thudded. _That's Tyler!_

"Well maybe you should've thought of that before wrecking that van," the woman snapped.

"It was an ice storm!" he protested. "Victoria, I nearly died!"

A slap. "That's Thompkins to you, Crowley."

"Fuck, Jesus, Thompkins, what do you want from me? I really can't keep this up," he protested.

"All right. We'll swap cars back at the trailhead. There's a Q-P in the trunk, I expect you to take care of it."

"Yeah, no worries there, as long as it runs."

They both laughed then, and she said, "You better take good care of that Jag, kid." Their voices were fading, and I heard faint noises as they walked out through the wet brush.

"Don't worry, I know it's a sin to wreck a car like that."

I took a deep breath and stood up.

_**WOO CLIFFY! Chapter Song: VAST, "We Will Meet Again", box . net / shared / 030pirn8cdyrijqit3nx**_


	35. Chapter 34

Sorry for the delay. TOOTHACHES SUCK.

_**Chapter 34**_

I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. Of all the rotten bad luck. Only I could go to pee in the woods and overhear Tyler talking to his drugs supplier. By the sound of it, this was a fairly regular meeting place. It made sense, I supposed. You could park your car at a trailhead - although it sounded like the woman's car was not really the type you'd see at a trailhead - then hike somewhere, swap backpacks, and hike back.

Part of me wanted to tell my father about this, although I suspected we were out of Forks' jurisdiction. But another part of me was afraid that Tyler would in turn rat on me. I was aware that my single gram dope purchase wasn't going to get me in serious trouble - especially if I admitted that beforehand - but my parents would shit a brick. Two bricks, even. I'd convinced my parents that the only reason I started using drugs was because I was depressed. It would be impossible to explain that no, really, I bought the heroin accidentally, I'd meant to buy weed instead. (In theory Renee didn't think weed was a big deal, but when it came to her little girl...)

And then deep down, there was that part of me screaming that if Tyler and his supplier were gone, I'd never be able to get high after that gram was gone.

I walked back to the baseball game, deep in thought, and consequently tripped and landed on a rock. Lots of rocks, really. I screamed involuntarily, but shut up quick in fear that Tyler and - Victoria - heard me. So I was crying with bloody scrapes on my palms when Edward found me.

"I thought that was you screaming," he said. "Let me see?"

I showed him my hands. "I'm ok, I was just startled," I said.

"Can you walk? We've got a first-aid kit with us." I nodded and he helped me up. He was very cautious about it since he couldn't just pull me up by my hands.

He and Carlisle cleaned and bandaged my hands. I didn't have to referee anymore; I just sat and pretended to read till it got too dark to see. And then we all drove back. It was rather dark, but obvious that no other cars had come up and gone in the time we'd been there. So - Tyler and - Thompson? - had parked somewhere else, and it was just a coincidence that we'd all ended up in the same vicinity. That was good in some ways; it meant the baseball games could continue. It meant there was no obvious reason for me to tell the Cullens what I'd overheard.

I told Edward I just wanted to go home, and he told his father who dropped me off.

Charlie chuckled when he saw my hands, and laughed even harder when he heard I'd played baseball with the Cullens. It wasn't hard to pretend to be so annoyed with him that I wanted to just go upstairs.

Once there I didn't know what to do. I adjusted the bandages on my hands, and put on some latex gloves (normally I used these to bleach my hair) so I could shower without getting them wet. I normally don't take long showers, but this time I did.

It felt like the - event - was a sun, that I was orbiting, going round and round, but if I got too close to it I'd get burned. Or, to not use the metaphor, if I thought _around_ it I was fine, but if I thought _about_ it I started freaking out.

When I got out of the shower, I knew at least one thing to do. Besides taking half a Xanax.

I picked up my cell phone and dialed a number I'd only called on the house phone before tonight.

"Hello?"

"Hi Jake."

"Bella?"

"I really need to talk to you." If I'd thought beyond "Yes, this is what I must do," I might have felt a little embarrassed, since I hadn't really spoken to Jacob Black since that day on the beach when we smoked out. I mean, I'd told him I was quitting weed, but that wasn't an extensive conversation, just telling him I couldn't buy from him again.

"Are you ok?" He sounded concerned. "Did that freak upset you?"

"No, look, nothing like that. Do you know a woman who drives a Jaguar? Victoria Thomas?"

"Vicky Thompkins? Tall with red curly hair?"

I hadn't seen her, but the name sounded right. "I overheard her talking to Tyler Crowley in the woods." I briefly explained what I heard, what I'd guessed.

He sighed. "Yeah, she tried selling in the rez about three years ago. The Council got pissed off, and Sam - well. He's a big stoner but he's so anti-meth, you wouldn't believe it. He's convinced his father was a meth addict. I mean, I don't know, maybe he was, who the hell knows? But he threatened to smash up her car if she came back. I only remember because of the car," he said sheepishly. "Really sweet ride. I'd have cried if he had to destroy something so beautiful. '60s E-Type," he added, as if I knew anything about Jaguars.

"That must have been her, then." The Xanax was kicking in, so I felt a lot less nervous and anxious about everything. "I hope they didn't see me."

"Nah, nah, there's no way," Jake comforted me. "Totally wouldn't have been so obvious if there was any chance they thought someone could see or hear them."

"I hope you're right. I've been so scared all evening..."

"Nothing to be scared of." Then he chuckled and asked, "Remember when we came over and I told you those scary stories?"

"You mean the cold ones and the werewolves and all that?"

"Yeah," he laughed, then started telling me another story, about the founders of their tribe, turning into wolves to kill a cold one, and his mate killing them and - well, it was a helluva story, and any other time it would have freaked me out, but tonight, after all that had happened, it was oddly soothing. As was Jake's voice.

When he finished the tale, I said, "Dude, that was totally kick-ass, but I need to get to sleep now."

"Sure, sure. Get in bed naked and think of me," he teased.

"Yes sir," I teased back.


	36. Chapter 35

**Chapter 35**

I woke up before sunrise in a cold sweat. In my dream, I'd been looking in the woods for Edward, but instead I found Tyler and a woman with red curly hair. They tied me to a tree and I screamed Edward's name. Fortunately I hadn't actually screamed - Renee told me I sometimes talked in my sleep - because Charlie wasn't there. That is to say, he was snoring in his bedroom.

Before calling Jacob, I'd pretty much decided to tell nobody but him about overhearing Tyler and Victoria talk about drug smuggling in the woods. The only reason I even told Jake was because I knew he wouldn't judge, or try to get me to tell Charlie. But now, it seemed my subconscious at least wasn't done fretting.

So I pulled out my cell phone and sent Tyler a text. _Can I talk to you before school?_

I wasn't expecting a response for at least another hour, so I was shocked when minutes later my phone buzzed. _In person?_

_Yes. Just meet me in my backyard?_

_Be there in 10_, he answered.

I pulled on some warmer clothes and started the coffee machine - it was set to go off in 40 minutes.

So I had a cup of extremely milky coffee in my hands as I walked to my favorite tree. It was nice and warm in my hands, although too hot yet to drink. I tried sipping a tiny amount successfully just as Tyler pulled up in the Jaguar that Jacob had described. At least, it had the little jumping wildcat on the hood, so I assumed that's what it was.

"Wow, that's not conspicuous," I said, almost dumbstruck.

"What the hell do you want, Bella," he said quickly. It was obvious why he'd been up this early - he'd never gone to bed. His eyes were bloodshot and his nostrils were encrusted with white gunk. I hoped he'd clean up before school.

"Is that Victoria's car?" I asked, nodding at it.

Cocaine makes you paranoid. "How the hell do you know Victoria?"

"I don't. I have a friend in La Push." At his confused look, I added, "She tried breaking into the market there three years ago."

"She never mentioned it," he snapped. "**How do you know that name?"**

I told him about the Cullens playing baseball in the woods, and that he might want to pick a different spot to meet her next time.

"We meet at a different locale each time. In case of hikers," he sneered.

"I didn't tell the Cullens. Or my dad," I said, to his visible relief.

"Then why did you need to see me so damn bad?"

I sipped my coffee. It was at the perfect temperature now. "You know, blackmail is an ugly word."

"I didn't mention blackmail!" he protested.

"Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up."

"Oh Jesus fuckin' Christ Bella, what are you saying?"

"I'm saying I want another gram of black tar."

His face relaxed again when he heard that. "I don't have it on me right now, but -"

"I don't want it right now," I informed him. "But I might in the future. So you know, just make sure to hang on to one for me. And I might want another one after that a few months later. You know how it is."

He grinned anyway. He still seemed to think he was getting off easy. "Yeah, sure, no problem at all. Just um, just text me a code word, like um..." he trailed off.

"Sparkly," I said.

"'Sparkly'? That's what you want for the code word? OK, OK, sure, sure." He shrugged exaggeratedly. "I ever get a text from you with the word 'sparkly' in it, I hook you up. No problem. No problem at all," he repeated.

"Good. I'm glad we could have this talk," I replied. "Are you driving that to school?"

"Of course not," he snapped. "I'm giving Conner weed to drive me around town till I get the other one back. But he's not up yet."

"OK, ok. Well see you there."

I went back inside and sat at the kitchen table with the morning paper. I still felt really weird, and then Charlie came downstairs, freshly showered.

"You're up early, Bells!"

"Hey Dad. Had a bad dream."

"What happened?"

"I was looking for Edward in the woods, but I got kidnapped instead," I said honestly.

He ruffled my hair. "You'll see him at school, don't worry."

True enough. I handed over the paper and went upstairs to shower. But my stupid sensitivity to caffeine! The hot water didn't help my heartrate either. Normally I would have taken a Xanax when I felt like that, but after Tyler something else was on my mind. I rushed into my room and grabbed what I needed, then rushed back into the bathroom. Since Charlie was still home, it was smarter to run the fan to hide the inevitable smell when I boiled the water.

I also noticed that after showering, my veins were even more prominent, and bit my lip. I'd never ever done that. James had talked about how stupid it was to shoot up into a vein, when muscle or skin-popping were almost as good. Even after I started smoking it he made me promise never to mainline.

My hands were trembling as I drew the dark liquid into the needle. I put the cap back on, sighed, then pulled the cap out and hit my hip like I always had before. The whole four times I'd done it. It was still early enough that I could nod out, and Charlie wouldn't be suspicious about that after hearing I'd had a nightmare. And since I'd already showered, I could reset my alarm thirty minutes later.

While I was doing that, Charlie yelled, "See you tonight Bells! Love you!"

"Love you too Dad!" I wasn't quite high yet. I put on some music from the CD that Edward made me and tried to take calming breaths. The drug kicked in slowly at first, but I'd taken more than I usually did, and the pink cloud fogged up my brain almost completely. I remembered all of a sudden how I actually had in fact had morphine shot into me by Edward Cullen, and had to laugh. I imagined having a conversation with him about it, almost in a dream-like state.

I was feeling more sober by the time my alarm went off.


	37. Chapter 36

_**Chapter 36**_

As far back as I can remember, I've been a horrible liar. I pretty much would always cave and admit to anything almost before my parents suspected it. So the first time I successfully lied to Renee was a shock.

It went down like this: when I first started hanging out with James, it was purely platonic. He seemed more interested in getting me to smoke pot than touching me. Eventually that happened, but I clearly remember the first time he convinced me to smoke a joint with him, that was it. I was still high when he dropped me off, though, and pretty giggly. Renee gave me a sly look and asked if I'd finally kissed a boy. I stammered and blushed and finally said "y-yes." Which was a lie, but the point was, I was guilty of something. After I'd come down, I replayed the incident and realized that the best way to get away with something was to admit to a lesser crime. Because I was still not that great of a liar. My guilt was always going to be written all over my face. Or whatever emotion I happened to be feeling…

But the first line of defense was avoidance, of course. That night I'd tried to sneak into my bedroom, but when Renee caught me that was out. This Tuesday, though, I was still a little unnerved, and I knew that if I spent any time alone with Edward, he'd notice it.

So, first things first – I texted him that I had to drive myself to school the rest of the week. He replied "k" and nothing else. I planned out what I was going to say to him when I saw him. When I got to school, he was almost on me before I got out of the truck.

We kissed briefly then I dropped the "bombshell": Charlie had gotten on my case last night about spending all my time with "the boyfriend."

"I thought your dad liked me," he murmured, taken aback.

"He does like you, he just thinks you've been monopolizing my time." I pretended to hesitate, then said, "I mean, he wants me to have other friends besides – besides you and Alice."

He nodded slowly. "Do you want to maybe have a double-date this weekend?"

"I dunno. Let's just get through the rest of the week first, ok?"

He walked me to my English class and kissed my cheek. "I'm still going to call you every night," he teased.

"Of course," I said.

Mike was looking at me funny when I got into my seat. I looked back at him, and he shrugged.

"Everything ok?"

"Just fine, and you?"

He scowled. "Jess is hinting about prom."

"You mean you aren't going to take her?"

"Of course I'm going to take her, it's just a pain."

I smiled. "At least you don't have to wear a dress."

"Ha, no, but those suits are bad enough. I'm trying to talk her into doing something for spring break, but it looks like that's a no go unless we do prom too."

Oh, right. Spring break was next week. I sure wouldn't be able to avoid Edward then. Not that I really wanted to. "Are your parents really going to let you go off alone with her?"

"No, but they'll let me go with Eric and Conner," he smirked. "Maybe you and Cullen could come?" That invitation was definitely half-hearted.

"My dad definitely will not let me do anything like that."

He nodded, then the bell rang.

I met Jess after our trig class and said, "Are you really going off on spring break with Newton?"

She looked delighted that I was asking, and started talking about their trip to Ocean Shores. Her mom wasn't being a tyrant about it, apparently, which was surprising. I could not see even Renee allowing me to spend a week with my boyfriend, even if there were other people with us. But Jessica had a cousin who lived there, and she agreed to vouch for them. I didn't exactly understand how that worked, since they weren't having spring break the same time as us, but whatever. The bell rang before I even thought about asking.

In Spanish we were reminded of our test on Thursday, and Jess asked if I wanted to study with her tomorrow night. I agreed, glad for the excuse. I also had an English paper due tomorrow, but I'd nearly finished polishing off one of my old essays for it. Mike was bitching about it during lunch, though.

Edward and Alice sat with me as usual, but he was clearly disappointed that he wouldn't be seeing me again after Biology. Angela asked if I needed to use the restroom, and I recognized the signal.

In the stalls she asked if everything was ok, and I said sure, but gave the excuse I'd given Edward this morning.

"Ugh, yeah, my dad thinks I spend too much time with Ben too," she complained. "Even though we don't see each other on Tuesdays and Saturdays."

"Why not those days?" I asked.

"Tuesday is new comic day," she grinned. "And Saturday he watches Kung-Fu movies with Austin. I tried to join in a few times, but…" She just rolled her eyes.

I grasped onto her words. "So you aren't seeing him tonight? Cos it's Tuesday?"

"Right. Did you want to do something?"

"Oh Angela, you are a lifesaver," I gushed. "Yeah, if you come over maybe Charlie will relent."

We walked back to Biology, making arrangements; Angela would come over after dinner. Edward was sitting at our table, and clearly overheard. I whispered to him about getting Charlie to relent if he sees me spending time with Angela and Jessica.

"Jessica?"

"We're studying for Spanish tomorrow night."

"Ah." He pursed his lips, then the bell rang and we couldn't really talk anymore.

It was nice hanging out with Angela – we just watched TV, then gossiped about how far we were going with our boyfriends. She had been dating Ben longer than I'd been dating Edward, but he was her very first boyfriend, and she spent a lot more time with him chaperoned than I did. And while she wasn't as religious as her father, she didn't want to throw all that off. "The further you go, the harder it'll be if something else goes wrong."

"You're already thinking about breaking up with him?"

"Of course not! But you know, it might happen."

I gave her a look. "But you were just telling me how you both want exactly the same things out of life, and – I mean, ok, I know you've only been together a few months, and I'm just seeing this on the outside, but you guys are so perfect together." I paused for a minute, then continued, "And I wouldn't just say that, you know. I sure as hell wouldn't tell this to Jessica about Newton."

She giggled. "Thanks, Bella. I feel that way too but sometimes, well, you know, it's like, too good to be true."

"I mean, I sure don't know that about me and Edward," I added.

"Aww, you're just saying that because you miss him."

I wasn't. But I couldn't tell her why.


	38. Chapter 37

**_On 12/15 I completed moving everything I own out of my apartment into a 2BR about ten miles east, along with my boyfriend. We'd lived in the same place for the past 7 years. I caught a cold from exhaustion. So, here we go._**

**_Chapter 37_**

When she came over to study for Spanish, Jess was surprisingly serious, and I finally understood why she was in the top 5 of our class. Not that there was so much competition - back home I was in the top 5%, which included about a hundred and thirty kids, but here top five percent was top five, period. Anyway she was a more serious student than you'd think just to talk to her in passing, and she didn't mention Mike at all during our review.

Which was great, because it meant I didn't have to talk about Edward. Not that he and I were having problems, per se. My talk with Angela had gotten me sort of down, though, as I certainly didn't see me and Edward sticking together the way her and Ben could. Plus, I was avoiding being alone with him till I thought I could successfully brush off the topic of Tyler. And of course, both of us had lots of homework and studying before spring break started.

So it was to my shock and chagrin that on lunch Thursday, when I asked Alice and Edward if they were doing anything for spring break, they replied in the affirmative. Not only were they doing something, they were all flying together as a family to go on a camping trip. It was still too early to go anywhere in the mountains, so they were flying south. To the Grand Canyon. I was completely taken aback. I mean, ok, sure, I hadn't been dating Edward that long, but I was kind of Alice's best friend at Forks High. If I'd known, I would have begged my dad to help finance half a plane ticket.

"Oh, right, your mom lives there," said Alice, turning red with embarrassment for me.

"No, she moved to Florida after her husband got placed there," I sighed. None of my so-called friends back there talked to me anymore, had pretty much stopped after the party after James dumped me. Well, screw them too. It was too late to get anything but a stand-by ticket, and the Cullens were leaving Sunday night for an all-week hiking and camping expedition.

"Don't worry," whispered Edward, "I'm taking you out Saturday, all day."

Well that was nice. Except, oh, wait, avoiding!

"Don't think Charlie will be cool with 'all day'," I apologized.

For the first time in ages I saw Edward looking angry. "Are you serious? I haven't hung out with you all week!"

"Not counting Monday," chimed Alice.

"No, not counting Monday. That was with the whole family," he said darkly. Alice giggled, and the familiar flames hit my face.

I was definitely feeling conflicted. On the one hand I in no way wanted to tell Edward - or anyone else - about overhearing Tyler's supplier and him Monday evening. On the other hand, I was truly addicted to the feeling of Edward's hands on my skin, and the little touches he permitted at school were hardly enough to control my jonesing. It was so stupid. There was no reason to believe that if I told Edward, he would immediately tell his parents or some other authority figure. But there was no guarantee he wouldn't, either. If there was one thing Edward did, it was follow rules like that.

So I sighed, and told him I'd talk to Charlie and things should be fine. Which of course they would, seeing as how the whole thing about not seeing Edward to make time for my other friends was complete bullshit that I made up. I figured by Saturday I'd be feeling a lot calmer about it anyway. I'd cut back on the Xanax this week for the homework, but today was my last test before vacation, so I'd be free to indulge tonight and tomorrow.

Edward was as well-behaved as ever during Bio, which meant that anytime Banner wasn't looking at our class, he touched my wrist, or my shoulder, or the back of my neck, or even my waist at one point. Mostly it was anything where I was showing skin, though. He was just as much an addict as I was, it appeared.

"What were you smiling about during class?" he asked as we packed up to go to our last classes.

"I, um, think I have a new addiction," I smirked.

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Is that so?"

I could tell he was misunderstanding, so I pulled his hand to my lips and kissed his wrist, then started sucking his middle finger. It wasn't exactly obscene, but you'd never know that by the expression on his face. He looked at me as if I'd just stripped naked.

"Ah. That addiction," he managed to get out, and softly pulled his hand back. "Jesus Christ, Bella, first you give me a heart attack, then you give me a... heart attack." He kissed my wrist in turn, smiling all the while. "I'll call you later?"

"Sure thing," I called as I walked off to class.


	39. Chapter 38

_**Chapter 38**_

After PE I went home, feeling a little restless. An itch inside of me. Talking to Edward about him being my "new addiction" had me thinking about... other addictions.

I never really thought of myself as being addicted to pot. I mean, I stopped smoking while I was hospitalized, and didn't indulge again till I moved up here. And even then it was just once a week, which I'd quit as soon as - well, as soon as Lauren tried to break my face, actually. And then I got Percoset. I couldn't say I liked painkillers more than pot- they were just too different. Especially if you got different strains, which I had done with James, as his uncle grew. I did prefer either to alcohol, though alcohol did the job as a poor substitute. As long as I had something else to do, like party or make out, but alcohol was seriously no fun if I was alone.

Of course after I came back from the hospital, Renee literally locked up all the booze in the house. She was a wine drinker, or sherry - gross. I tried to tell her that it wasn't necessary, I really wasn't a fan, but she didn't trust me. "It's not that I think you're lying to me, Bella," she had said,"but addicts feed their addictions. If I'm not here, I don't want you to worry about temptation."

Which had seriously pissed me off. "I'm a pot addict, not an alcoholic," I'd reminded her sarcastically.

"An addict is an addict," she had replied in all seriousness, quoting one of those damned pamphlets they'd given her when I first was admitted. That was purely garbage. Thankfully my first shrink there, who'd given her the pamphlets, went on vacation less than a week into my stay, and the next guy, Dr. Eleazar, was a lot more reasonable.

_He didn't just spout twelve-step platitudes like Dr. Volturi had; he understood that I took drugs because I was fucking depressed, and then said, "Why don't you try my drugs for a little while, Bella?" He just meant Prozac, but the way he'd put it made me laugh for the first time in months. "If you're going to be an addict, may as well be addicted to something legal, that your insurance will pay for. Free drugs, can't turn that down, right?" He actually made me feel like my stay in the hospital wasn't a waste of time and money. And he prescribed me Valium along with the Prozac, although he warned me that I wasn't supposed to take it every day. That just made me snort, and ask "Then why are you giving me a three-month supply?"_

_"Because, you can't overdose on them. Well, unless you mix them with booze, but that won't be a problem here anyway."_

_I sighed. "You do know I wasn't actually trying to kill myself, right?"_

_"No?"_

_I then shook my head. "I was just trying to kill the pain of my boyfriend dumping me." He had to know this, it was in my file. "I went on a serious bender, but nothing was helping till..." I simply held up my arms, staring at the stitches._

_"It's normal to be upset when someone ends their romantic relationship with you, Bella."_

_"I wasn't upset," I snapped. "I was fucking devastated. I mean, he was the only thing that helped to lift the black cloud." That was always how I'd described it to the doctors at the hospital, like I was always in a black cloud, unless I was with James._

_"What about the drugs he introduced you to?"_

_I frowned. "I thought it was ok to do them if he was doing them. I mean, he was an honor roll student, so that whole 'egg frying on drugs' brain-thing had to be bullshit. I didn't even like most of the stuff we tried together."_

_"Which ones did you like best? The weed?"_

_I nodded. "And the - the opiates."_

_"So, downers, basically."_

_"I guess, except I don't like alcohol."_

_"Well, alcohol is a CNS depressant, but mentally it can make you very emotional. Marijuana mostly distracts you completely, as it's partly hallucinogenic. Did you say that you'd taken LSD?"_

_"No."_

_He cracked a grin. "Good, that shit can fuck you up really bad at your age. Try it in college though. Or maybe just shrooms."_

_My jaw dropped. "Are you fucking serious?"_

_"Yes, although I highly recommend waiting till you're in a very good emotionally stable frame of mind to try something of that nature," he said in an actual serious tone. "Which you won't be unless you conquer this depression. It sounds like you were already not very stable, and then James wasn't very stable, and you two just fed off each others' misery. Then he started improving, but you were flatlining and he couldn't handle it. You said he quit doing all drugs, right?"_

_It still hurt at that point to talk about James. "Yeah. Yeah, he had quit everything. He was kind of a cokehead," I finally realized._

_"And he also smoked heroin?"_

_"Yeah. But that was rare, just when he couldn't get Vicodin or Oxys."_

_"Well, Bella, I know it's not going to make you feel any better, but when a person is trying to stop using like that, they often have to cut out people from their lives that enable drug use."_

_"He was the one who got me into that shit!" I snapped._

_"Regardless of how it happened, you did get into that shit," he said. "So when James tried to cut off every avenue that reminded him of using, well, that included you."_

_Tears started to drip from my eyes. "I felt like he was blaming me for something that was his own damn fault. He made me feel - feel like I was falling. Like he pushed me off a cliff, and I was just falling, and falling, and falling. Forever."_

_"Are you scared of heights?"_

_I nodded before screwing my eyes shut and pushing my fists against them. "I want to be normal," I whispered. "I really don't - Renee always thought I was just wallowing because, because I was, was a sullen teenager. Fuck, I wished I'd had actual reasons for being depressed. At least the drugs gave me a reason." I coughed. "Well, sort of. And then when James and I started fighting, at first I thought, if we broke up, that would be a good reason to be depressed, to wallow in my misery. No one would think I was weird then. But it wasn't like that. Not at all."  
_

So. I started on the Prozac, and initially took the Valium hardly ever, but then my mom decided to send me to my dad.

I hadn't cut back on the Valium again till Edward. And even dealing with him led to moments of anxiety, like when he never wanted me to smoke pot again. Dr. Cullen, upon hearing I wanted to cut back on the Valium, warned me to taper slowly. I liked Dr. Cullen, but he was no Dr. Eleazar, and he was also my frickin' boyfriend's father.

I thought about Dr. Eleazar all evening. Edward was still wary of calling me while my dad was up, so I had no interruption till almost midnight. And even then it was just a text: _Miss ya_

And that made me very very glad I'd moved to Forks.


	40. Chapter 39

_**Sorry for the delay guys. Here's a lemon to make up for it. Well, pg13 lemon, anyway!  
**_

_**Chapter 39**_

Friday morning I woke up with a smile on my face. I was almost free. Spring break was next week. I was totally going to miss the hell out of seeing and touching Edward, but I was thinking of ways to distract myself. Angela would be around, and ... Tyler.

Well.

I didn't have to hide my nervousness when I called Edward in the morning.

"What's up?" he asked.

"My truck is making a funny noise, can you pick me up?"

"Of course," he said. "Be there in fifteen."

He came alone in the Volvo, to my surprise. "Where's everyone?"

"They took Rosalie's convertible," he replied.

Oh, right, they all had a car except Alice. For getting 4.0s or something. "I suppose it's possible for four to fit in it, since it's a BMW, not a Miata."

He grinned and kissed my hand. "Charlie's gone, right?"

"Yeah, he leaves about an hour before I have to." I led him to the sofa. "And I have nothing due in first period..."

He kept smiling, that smile that made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. "Hmmm, tempting."

"I try." He took off his jacket and we settled in on the sofa and just hugged at first, but very tightly. "God, I missed you."

"Me too, lovely," he replied, his hands in my hair, then my back, down to my waist, where my shirt was riding up a little. I could feel my heart start to race. He then pulled back and stared in my eyes for what felt like forever and no time at all at once, before he kissed me very softly and ... chastely. Just kissing my face all over. It felt so good, but I wanted more.

So I tried to take over - pulled his face back to me so our lips were together again, then gently ran my tongue over his bottom lip before softly biting it. That totally set him off. I'd heard the term "tonsil hockey" before but never really understood the point till that moment. He was practically trying to massage my throat with his mouth. It was like - like he wanted to devour me.

"Oh God," he moaned at one point with his tongue still in my mouth. Finally we broke apart, panting. "Yeah, I missed you, Bella," he sighed. He backed off for a minute to pull out his cell phone. "I'll set an alarm to fifteen minutes before first period ends, ok?"

"Sounds good," I replied. We resumed kissing, but this time his hands strayed from holding my face to all over me. He kept alternating between squeezing my ass and my tits. I moaned every time he squeezed, and it just made him squeeze harder. It was all so blissful, I couldn't believe I had denied myself this all week.

Finally he couldn't take the barriers, and ripped my shirt off. Literally - the buttons all popped off as he yanked it. "Oh, gosh, I'm sorry."

"You're buying me a new one." I pretended to be angry, but it was so hot that he did that. I never wanted him more.

"All right," he agreed, then took off my bra. I'd purposely worn a front-clasp so it would be easier for him.

"I really missed you too," he whispered to my breasts, then started licking and sucking one while caressing and pinching the other nipple.

"Oh fucking Jesus," I gasped. I didn't really understand why body parts that babies suckled worked so well as erogenous zones, but I wasn't complaining. At all. I just gasped and moaned and squirmed as he played with my tits.

"You really like that, hmm?" It was a rhetorical question. "I love watching you fall apart like that."

I took a deep breath. "Do you really want to see me fall apart?"

He froze. "What - what do you mean?"

"Um, you know." I pursed my lips and decided to be a little technical with the Mormon doctor's son. "Orgasm?"

"I don't think you're thinking clearly, Bella," he replied after a lengthy pause.

I sighed. Mormon boys. "Well, will you at least take off your shirt? I missed your chest too," I smiled.

He complied, and I sighed at his perfect chest. There was some hair, but not much, and I played with it a little as I ran my hand up and down his abs. "I can't believe you don't work out."

"It's mostly genetics. I'm sure when I hit twenty I'll start getting fat." He shut up when I started to lick his nipples. James hadn't really had sensitive nipples, but Edward sure as hell did. Unlike when he was working me, this time he pushed against me, hips against mine. As usual, I felt his erection beneath his jeans. I wasn't sure what the rules were there - we pretty much never touched below the waist except for occasional dry humping, like now.

I decided to try something. While I licked his chest, and he grinded against me, I started to take off my jeans. He never noticed, but the next time he went to grab my ass, he stopped for a second and pulled my head up.

"Weren't you in pants when I got here?" He tried to sound serious, but his voice squeaked at the end, as if he was still going through puberty. His pupils were huge as he stared at my legs. The way we were sitting, he could only see the sides, but his eyes still were glued to them.

"See something you like?"

He nodded slowly. "Honestly Bella, we don't have that much time. I mean, it would take me at least forty minutes to - to properly cherish your - your legs."

"OK then," I replied, and stood up to put my clothing back on. It was getting close to alarm time anyway. He stared rather blatantly, as I put my bra then jeans on. "Gotta go get another shirt." I ran upstairs to do so, then ran back down.

He was dressing as well when I returned, just as his cell phone alarm went off. He kissed me deeply but briefly before turning the alarm off.

"Jasper and Alice are amenable to a double date tomorrow," he said. "Can I see you tonight?"

"Yeah, of course." We were both completely dazed, naturally. "Charlie's working a double shift, if you just want to come over?"

"Sounds good." He pinched my ass cheek one last time, then whispered in my ear, "I'm serious about worshiping your legs, if you - if you want me to."

What was I supposed to say to that? I just smiled and hugged him tightly.


	41. Chapter 40

**_Chapter 40_**

Edward and I both had stupid grins on our face almost all day. Having a couple classes without Edward tuned me down a bit, but as soon as we sat next to each other for lunch, everything about the morning came flooding back. Especially when Mike asked where I was first period; I said I slept in, but I blushed as I said it, and Edward and I were trying not to grin at each other.

Mike didn't catch on, but Alice did, and she whispered in my ear, "So that's why Edward missed his first class." My blush became even more furious, but the conversation had moved on so I was pretty sure no one noticed.

We had a lab in Bio, the only class in which the teacher made us do work. But Edward and I were the best students in the class, so we didn't care much, only working when Banner actually looked over at us, the rest of the time whispering and touching. He kept trying to convince me to skip my last class, but I kept insisting that I'd skipped gym way too many times already.

"You haven't even been here that long, how many times could you skip?" he asked as he ran his fingers along my neck where my hairline ended, my hair covering his hand.

I sighed, not wanting to ruin the mood. "Once a week till we started dating seriously."

He pulled his hands back. "You were with Tyler." Not a question.

"Nothing ever happened," I reminded him.

"Besides the _drug usage_," he hissed.

"Exactly," I muttered back. I went back to the lab while he ignored me or fumed or whatever the hell he was doing. When it became clear he was going to keep being a dick about it, I stopped and looked at him. "Look, I thought you forgave me for that. You can't just say everything's ok if you're just going to store it up to be mad about later."

His face had been tight, but it dropped when I said that. "You're right. I'm sorry." He sighed. "Forgiveness is important to me, and I shouldn't act like a hypocrite. I guess I just worry that you're only sober because of me."

"I'm hardly sober," I joked. "I have _prescriptions_, you know."

He grinned and tugged my hair like a second grader. "You out of Vicodin yet?"

"Duh." My nose had hurt a lot at first, but since I hadn't regularly had anything since December, I only had to take half a pill every three hours at first. Any more than that and I couldn't pay attention in school. The worst of the pain was gone in two weeks, though, and I still had had enough to make the next few weeks enjoyable before I got Edward to round second base. I was going for my last nose checkup while the Cullens were gone, but every doctor in Forks knew better than keep giving me pain pills. At his look I said "I took them as directed!"

"Sure, you didn't take any extra when we were fighting," he whispered right into my earlobe, and quickly bit it before Banner turned to us. He was over a foot from me almost instantly.

I could tell he wasn't really mad about this. "We only had the one fight anyway."

"I know. I can't beg you off for taking that shit when you had a busted nose anyway. I know I was clenching my teeth in my sleep till I woke up with headaches when we were fighting," he confessed.

"Sorry." I squeezed his temple.

"I don't have one now." He reached under my shirt and started tickling my side. I gasped so loudly that Banner immediately came up to us.

"Is there a problem, Edward? Bella?"

"No sir, no problem here!" Edward barked like he was in the Marines. He showed him our notebook, which was over half finished after only fifteen minutes.

"Well," he said in a louder voice, startling the rest of the class into attention, "as soon as you turn in a _correct_ lab, you and your partner may leave."

We hadn't been the only people distracted, but at that everyone stopped goofing off and started working seriously. Edward and I finished the rest of the specimens in another ten minutes, double checked everything in another five, and were out the door.

"OK, maybe I can skip gym," I said, delighted, breathless.

Edward grabbed me to him and swirled me around like we were swing dancers, then, while my legs were still wrapped around him, pushed me against the lockers and started kissing me like he couldn't even wait to get me home. One hand was cushioning my head against the lockers, the other was squeezing one of my legs.

After a few minutes he pulled back and gently brought me down. I was a little wobbly on my feet, and being me I immediately slipped and fell on my ass. "Oh jeez are you ok?" Edward was immediately pulling me up and adjusting me. "Sorry about that."

"Your kisses sometimes have that effect," I managed to get out, and he smiled at me, and I couldn't believe Edward Cullen was smiling at me like that because he wanted to kiss me, Bella Swan, and maybe do more, how about that? I didn't really believe in God, but at times like this I could believe that someone somewhere wanted to get me to Forks, and all the crazy horrible shit that happened before in Phoenix was just to let me get to Edward, so we could make each other smile like that.

"Let's get to your house then," he said cheerily, and practically ran to his car. I skipped after him. By the time I arrived he'd already started the car, and almost peeled out before I'd buckled up. He drove faster than I'd ever seen him, and I didn't live very far. When he wasn't shifting, he had his hand on my knee, and each time he put it there he moved it slightly further up.

Unfortunately, when we got back, my dad's cruiser was parked there.


	42. Chapter 41

_**You know how people say something is more fun than a root canal? I had an emergency root canal and it was actually more fun than some other dental work I've had. For real.**_

_**Chapter 41**_

"Dad? I thought you were working late today?" I asked as Edward and I walked in.

Charlie was literally sitting at the kitchen table with his gun in pieces, polishing each one individually. "Yeah, the late shift and the early shift," he confirmed. "Have a few hours before I'm going back in, thought I'd just come home."

"Um, you remember Edward," I said lamely. "He gave me a ride 'cos the truck wasn't working."

Charlie guffawed. "I have noticed he's your boyfriend, Bella."

"Hello, Chief Swan. My family's going away for spring break next week, so I wanted to spend a little extra time with Bella," said Edward in his most innocent Mormon-boy voice. Which wasn't much like his panty-dissolving voice, thank God, being horny near my dad was wrong.

"You kids go ahead and watch TV, I'll be busy with this for a while," he said casually, not really looking at us.

Edward took his hand in mine and said, "Sure thing sir," and led me to the sofa, and switched the television to something on Discovery.

As we sat down I couldn't help thinking about the last time we'd been on the sofa this morning. Edward wasn't even pretending to watch the TV as he wrapped his right arm around my waist to pull me to him as tightly as possible, and his other arm started running lightly up and down my left thigh.

"Edward," I whispered, "my father is in the kitchen, polishing his _gun_."

"It's going to take him forever to get that done," he said in his most panty-melting tone. "Besides, doesn't it make it more exciting to know he could walk in at any time?"

"Uh, no, not really, that's my dad, dude," I snapped.

He held up his hands in surrender. "OK, fine then." He sat about a foot away from me and seemed to be totally engrossed in the television.

Of course he could only hold that pretense up for about two minutes before he leaned towards me and started whispering in my ear. "We can watch TV for an hour, then we'll grab some food, and since it's not raining there's something I want to show you."

"It's still kind of cold," I murmured.

"I've got blankets and stuff in my car. I've wanted to take you to this place ever since ..." He trailed off as Charlie walked by to the bathroom.

"I'm not polishing that thing for you, Edward, honestly," he called as he shut the door.

"Daaaaad!" I moaned.

"You're so cute when you blush," Edward said softly.

"Ugh, I hate it, everything is always written all over my face."

"I like the way your blush extends past your face," he whispered, and oh my God, there it was again.

"If you're going to be saying shit like that, I'm not going to want to wait an hour," I told him, but before he could respond, Charlie had flushed the toilet, and we both giggled like fourth-graders. Charlie came out again, nodded to us both, then went back to the kitchen.

"Sorry," he said, and just took my left hand into his and squeezed it gently.

We were able to concentrate on the show after that, something about Papa New Guinea, I missed the beginning so I wasn't completely sure.

Finally, finally, the show ended and Edward said, "Ok, come on."

I grabbed my coat and nearly ran out the door, except that Charlie heard us and called out, "Going somewhere?"

Edward gently pulled me towards the kitchen. "Bella and I want to try to enjoy this sunshine while it lasts, if that's all right with you, sir."

Charlie was putting the gun together now. "Sure, wish I had some time to go fishing now." He waved us bye. "Back by dark then?"

"Certainly sir," replied Edward. "See you then."

I grinned at Edward as we practically ran to the Volvo. Sunset these days was around seven, and since we'd skipped our last period there was plenty of time.

Or so I'd thought. Edward didn't seem as thrilled. "We better hurry, it's going to take at least an hour to get there." As soon as I'd buckled up, Edward started the car and gunned the engine more than I'd ever heard before.

"Jesus, what are you doing?" I yelled as he sped off. "Charlie probably heard that! He might call someone after you!"

"We're going to be really cutting it close. I don't know what he'd prefer, us getting back after eight or me speeding a little," he answered, very much paying attention to his insanely fast driving.

"Oh God," I moaned, and I shut my eyes for most of it. We got off 101 faster than I'd thought a car could even go, and then drove deep into the Olympic National Forest. On the dirt road of course we couldn't go very fast, but we were still going faster than the posted limits. I still could hardly bear to look.

"OK, here we go," he said, stopping the car. The road had ended, and there was a hiking trail. Edward pulled a backpack on and handed me a bottle of water. "You'll probably need this, it's about five miles."

I goggled at him. "Total or each way? I can't walk that fast, not all of us have yard-long legs!"

He smiled at me. "It's ok, we got here faster than I thought."

"I'll bet," I grumbled, and started following him. Naturally, he didn't take the trail.

"Do you actually know where you're going?"

"I come here almost every day in the summer," he said. "Don't worry."

My main worry was that I was going to fall down and break my skull open, but I didn't say that, and kept my eyes on Edward's shoes, trying my best to keep up with him. After an hour I told him I needed a break, and we leaned against an ancient tree trunk.

I hadn't really had time to drink the water, but now I guzzled down about half of it.

"You sure know how to show a girl a good time, Cullen," I said when I could breathe again.

He pulled a handkerchief out of the backpack and wiped the sweat off my face with it before kissing me. "Is that better?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah," I gulped.

"Don't worry, it's only about another mile," he assured me, and started walking off into the nonexistant path again.


	43. Chapter 42

_**chapter 42**_

It felt like we'd been walking forever when suddenly Edward stopped and looked back at me. "You ok?"

I kept walking till I bumped into him, on purpose. "Are we taking another break?"

"A very short one," he smirked, giving me a fresh bottle of water that he'd apparently been hiding. "Try not to drink it all, we'll want it on the way back."

"Oh Christ," I groaned when I cut my guzzling short, "you had to remind me of that, didn't you."

"But we're almost there!" he sang out, and practically ran forward. I groaned at him, but I did feel a bit more energy with that information and the cold water.

And he was right. Suddenly the trees thinned out, and it was almost all grass and flowers in a small clearing. Edward was setting out a blanket on a tarp - it hadn't been sunny long, without it we'd get soaked through a blanket. It did sound silly as Edward sat on it, though.

"Does the ground ever dry out here?" I called out as I approached.

"In the summer, if it goes over a week, yeah. Seattle is a little better, between the mountains, I hear."

I chuckled. "Forks! The one place where it rains more than Seattle!"

He rolled his eyes at me, then jumped up and started tickling me till I fell onto the blanket. I started shrieking in a horrible fake girly way - although I do hate being tickled, I figured Edward was doing it for the girly noises. And in fact, it wasn't long after that he stopped tickling me. I think he also wanted to knock me to the ground.

"You ok?" he asked.

"I'm fine," I said, breathless.

His pupils were dilated so that I could barely make out the green of his eyes. He had each of his hands wrapped around my respective wrists, and he pulled my hands to his sides before leaning in to kiss me. It was a very soft, slow, sweet kiss. When he pulled back, he said, "You need to drink some more water, pretty girl."

I sat up and looked for the bottle - I'd dropped it during the tickling. I took a few huge gulps and nearly emptied it. "Oops," I said, remembering we didn't have any for the walk back now.

He grinned and said, "Observe." He walked off a little ways, then dipped the bottle down. When he lifted it up, it was full again. "Mountain streams!"

"I hope you have something to purify that," I yelled at him.

When he came back he was still grinning. "Yeah." He reached into his backpack's front pocket and pulled out what I assume were tiny chlorine tabs. He dropped one in. "Takes about thirty minutes. Hmmm. What can we do for thirty minutes?"

"Are we still hanging out with Alice and Jasper tomorrow?"

"If you like. I mean, I know Alice is distracted with Jazz - and me and you aren't much better - but you guys are still friends, right?"

"Yeah. Um, I mean, why wouldn't we be?"

He put a finger on my temple and slowly stroked my head to my jaw. "Well, I hoped you weren't mad at her for becoming your friend under false pretenses."

I laughed. "You mean because she was gathering intel for you?"

"Um, yeah, that." He stopped looking me in the eyes.

"Didn't that backfire into you two actually falling for me?"

He could tell I was teasing, and not mad, so he looked at me again. "Looks like it."

His eyes, oh my, when he looked at me like that, as if he was seeing me stripped down to my core. "Edward, I've never -" I didn't know what I was trying to say, but he seemed to.

"Neither have I," he replied. "Felt this way, I mean."

"Right. Me either."

"I'm going to miss you next week," he whispered.

I swallowed. "You won't be able to call, will you?"

"If I have reception, but the batteries won't last a week. So - at the Phoenix airport, both ways - and Wednesday evening?"

"Sounds good," I sighed.

"I'll be thinking about you the whole time," he assured me.

"Yeah. I haven't been to the Grand Canyon since I was ten I think."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. But your mom - she moved, right? To Florida?"

"Yeah." And my former friends were former. I felt tense just thinking about it.

He seemed to sense my tension, and asked, "You weren't - you weren't in love with him, were you?"

"Oh God, no," I exclaimed. "But I still had myself tied into him. I mean, I guess it sounds pathetic now, but he was my first boyfriend, I thought that was what you did, subsumed into someone else, and I liked being his girlfriend because it meant I didn't have to be Bella Swan." OK, that _was_ pathetic.

Edward frowned. "But I like Bella Swan."

"You wouldn't have liked me before, honestly," I said. "I mean, I didn't like me either, so how could anyone else?"

"So, you tied your identity into being his girlfriend, and when he broke up with you, you were lost?"

"Yeah, basically." That had been two shrinks' interpretation. "Plus I was depressed anyway, and when someone like me has a traumatic event happen, it's almost inevitable." I was quiet after that. "But when I woke up in the hospital I realized that I didn't want to die, I just didn't want to be in pain. That's why I take meds."

"I know," he said, and kissed my hand. "I think you did a good job at becoming Bella Swan, anyway. I'm sorry if it's painful for you, but I'm glad you're here, and happy."


	44. Chapter 43

_**chapter 43**_

It was too soon before Edward said we had to go in order to avoid pissing Charlie off. Not that Edward said "pissing off", oh no, not those pristine lips.

Initially I was trying not to hurry back, but after almost losing sight of Edward I started to pick up the pace, and consequently started to faceplant. "Shit!" I yelled after the second time I tripped over a fern-shrouded tree root. Edward helped me up and even wiped my hands with Purell and a clean handkerchief, but then he asked if I could just try to stop swearing so much.

This was not the best time to ask me that. "Fucking Christ, Edward, am I offending your ladylike ears?" I sneered.

He crinkled his forehead and bit his lower lip. "I'm just not used to it, no one curses at home," he explained as he tried to help me over a puddle.

I was going to say something about how school wasn't exactly a bastion of G-rated conversation, but then I remembered that he didn't have any friends besides his brothers. "Maybe if you tried to have friends at school," I tried to tease him.

He did laugh then. "I know I'm going to sound like a giant snob, but it took me about a week to realize I had nothing in common with anyone here. I mean, they're aware that there's a world outside of Forks, but most of them think Seattle is a big city."

"They're still nice kids," I argued. "Well, some of them. And what about Mike, he's from California too."

"Mike Newton," he grumbled. "That kid has just irritated me from the second I laid eyes on him. I don't know why, aside from the surfer thing. I never liked surfers."

I had to laugh at that. "So you never joined him in hiking trips or anything?"

"No, never. And now I never will."

"Really? I was thinking we could do a big camping trip after the school year ends, with him and Jess and Ang and Ben? But no?"

He stopped dead and looked at me. "Are you absolutely blind, Bella? Mike Newton looks at you like you're a piece of meat that he's going to have for dinner."

My jaw dropped. "But-but –but he's with Jessica, they're sleeping together!" Technically this wasn't a fact that I knew, but I did know they were spending spring break together specifically for this reason.

He gave a bitter laugh and kept walking. "Bella, believe me when I say he's only with her because you told him no."

I didn't want to believe it, but it was true that Mike had asked me out almost immediately upon my arriving at Forks High. And he seemed personally insulted that I started dating Edward Cullen after having said I wasn't going to date anyone. But I hadn't told even Alice that. "Why do you think that?"

Edward didn't say anything for a while, but finally he said, "Emmett's on the baseball team with him, and though he started censoring himself around Em after we got together, he didn't initially. He still sometimes -" Edward stopped himself. He actually looked like he was getting angry. "Anyway, I told Emmett not to tell me anything else he said or I'd break his kneecaps."

"Jesus! Was it that bad?" I wasn't as shocked as I should have been that Edward wanted to physically harm someone for talking trash about me. I mean, it was surprising that Edward had it in him to want to be so violent, but it was almost attractive that he felt so strongly about me.

"Well, you might not think so, but I was offended. And he shut up quick when he saw Emmett could hear him."

My mind raced to the worst porn I'd ever noticed on the internet. "You have to tell me something or I'm going to think it's worse than it is," I begged. I had settled on felching with a Dirty Sanchez on top when Edward finally sighed.

"He was describing sexual acts that would involve you and Jessica together with him," he mumbled.

That... wasn't nearly that bad. "Like, both of us sucking him off or something?"

His eyes whipped to mine. "Yes," he whispered.

I took his hand in mine. "Edward, I'm never ever going to touch Newton's dick, with my mouth or otherwise, right?"

"Of course not," he mumbled, looking at our hands then my eyes again. "That's not something you've done is it?"

"Shared a dick like a lollipop?"

He rolled his eyes at me. "I meant one on one."

"No, I told you I'd never gone that far. But I have looked at stuff on the internet, you know."

His eyes were downcast again. "I used to," he whispered.

I sighed. "It's natural to be curious." I squeezed his hand again. "And from what I hear, most guys like it."

He stared in my eyes again. "No."

My stomach dropped. "You - you don't like it?" _He'd let some girl do that?_

"Not what I meant." He stroked my hair with his other hand. "I wouldn't want you to."

"Um, ok?"

Seeing my confusion, he sighed. "Everything about it seems degrading to women. The way men talk about it... the way it was portrayed in the porn... the man gets off, the woman gets... to swallow." He couldn't look at me while he talked about this.

We were quiet as we walked the rest of the way to the car. Finally I said, "I think a lot of sex acts can be cast as degrading, that's why some feminists are totally against porn. But I mean, if you approach it with a loving attitude, and a spirit of equality, and don't like, force someone to do it your way, but compromise about it - I don't think giving a guy a blowjob is like, _inherently_ degrading, personally. I never did it because I was just uncomfortable taking clothes off in general with my last boyfriend."

Edward halted to stare at me again. "Wait, the, um, shirt off stuff, that - that we've done? You never did it before?"

I shook my head. "James took his shirt off, and my bra off, but I always kept everything else on. I didn't feel so comfortable with it off." _Even while high_, I thought.

"And you feel comfortable with me?" He was so close now I thought he was about to kiss me; his hand was even on my cheek.

I swallowed. "Well, let's just say I kind of feel like if I'm wearing clothes or not around you, it's the same amount of comfort or nervousness."

He bit my earlobe then whispered, "Like you see through me, to my soul, so what difference does physical nudity make?"

"S-something like that," I stammered.

Edward gave me his best panty-dropping grin, kissed my forehead, then pulled me by my hand all the way back to the car.

And I, completely dazzled, let him.


	45. Chapter 44

_**Chapter 44**_

After Edward maneuvered the car back onto the highway, he said, "Maybe we should play it cool in front of Charlie."

"Huh?" Charlie had never had a problem having Edward in my room before, although normally we were doing homework with the door halfway open. We usually stole some kisses immediately after he tried to subtly make sure we weren't undressed. That was to say, when he was home at all. "But I thought you wanted a double date tomorrow.

"I thought you'd want to see Alice and Jasper," he protested. "We've kind of been blowing them off. I mean, I'm going to see them all week, but you..."

I sighed. "I guess you're right." We could always end up in their rec room watching a movie in the dark...

When we got back, Charlie was eating a pizza that he had clearly ordered, and changed the channel when he heard the car pull up. At least, I assume he hadn't been watching the Harry Potter marathon the whole time we'd been gone. "It's either this or edited-for-television _Die Hard_," he informed us.

"I've never actually seen _Die Hard_," said Edward brightly. We both looked at him like he had grown a third eye, but Charlie quickly changed the channel to Bruce Willis' breakout role. Every time I'd spent Christmas with Charlie in Forks we'd watch it before going to sleep on Christmas Eve, although the first few times he'd edited it himself by muting the "fucks" and "motherfuckers."

"Snape's in this too," I joked. "But he's _actually_ the bad guy."

He rolled his eyes at me. "I do know _that_ much."

The TV edits were fairly similar to the five-year-old-girl edits, to be honest. During the commercials Charlie told Edward himself about our Christmas Eve tradition. "Definitely have to pick it up again, I skipped it for the past few years."

"Yeah, Renee isn't a fan either."

Edward whispered in my ear, "Maybe I'll join you this Christmas."

I shivered. Although not just from his voice. I could hardly pay attention the rest of the movie because Edward's offhand comment practically unhinged me. The same thing had happened with James, so I figured I just had abandonment issues due to my flaky mother. It wasn't that I didn't _want_ to still be with Edward in a year, I just hadn't thought about it in those terms. Part of my therapy was to take things one day at a time - mainly if it was a bad day. I had been convinced that James was going to realize he could do better than me and leave me - although when he did, it was still shattering. I tried not to think that way about Edward, since he'd pursued me despite knowing my worst secrets. Still, part of me was afraid he'd leave me, and part of me was afraid he wouldn't. As Whitman put it, _Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself._

Edward was definitely enjoying the movie. I tried to let myself relax into it, although it was getting to the really bloody parts. Even after so many times, I had to cover my eyes after Bruce Willis walked barefoot across the broken glass. Edward noticed and let me know when that bit was over, and then every time I covered my eyes afterwards, he did the same thing. "Thanks," I murmured. "You're the best."

He squeezed my hand. "Second best."

Charlie asked during commercials why the hell Edward had never seen it before, initially assuming it was an age thing.

"My parents were never very fond of letting us watch movies with a lot of swearing or violence."

"Huh. Don't tell them how young Bella was when I first let her watch it uncensored, then," he chuckled.

"No problems. I don't think they'll be too upset about tonight, at least."

"Renee never really was good at keeping her language age-appropriate," snorted Charlie, and I laughed in agreement.

"God no, especially if she hurt herself."

Edward picked my arm up and inspected it for my latest bruises, from falling during our hike. "Is she as bad as you?"

Charlie scratched his neck. "Unfortunately she gets that from me."

After the movie ended Charlie asked about Edward's spring break plans, and he told him about the family trip to the Grand Canyon.

"Too bad your mom's in Florida now, you could have -"

"Dad!" I warned. His eyes bulged and he turned red.

"Sorry," he muttered. Then louder, "Well it's late kids, you should get on home Edward so your parents don't worry."

"I should," he agreed. "Walk me to my car?" he asked me.

I went with him to his car, feeling worn down from the maelstrom of feelings Edward had induced in me tonight.

"Do you want to have the date in the afternoon or evening?"

"Can you pick me up around four?" I asked, feeling alarmed at having to wait even that long.

"Certainly." He pressed the unlock button on his keychain, and I sighed. He took my chin in his hand and began kissing me. At first it was a gentle good-night kiss, but something seemed to click in him and it became much, much more. His arms were all over me, he pulled my legs up around his waist, and he was practically humping me against his car door. Not to mention the game of tonsil-hockey.

He didn't keep it up for long, but it was definitely long enough for my brain to disengage and my dark mood to lift.

"Have a good night," he said in a gruff voice before getting in his car.

"Um, yeah, I will now," I said, dazed.

He laughed and kissed me on the nose. "See you soon, Bella." And then he drove off.


	46. Chapter 45

_**Chapter 45**_

"Bella?" Charlie called. I shook my head groggily. It was Sunday morning. Edward was on his way to the airport, on his way to Arizona, the Grand Canyon, for his family's spring break camping trip.

We had hung out casually last night, till it was time for my curfew. Twenty minutes before he had to take me back home, we said goodnight and I said farewell to Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and Jasper. We sat in the front seat of his Volvo in the driveway for seventeen minutes, kissing like there was no tomorrow.

_"Because there isn't,"_ he had said, and at the time I didn't think it was melodramatic in the least.

So I wasn't feeling so great when Charlie shook me awake. "Renee asked me when the last time I did this was," he said softly.

My eyes snapped open. It had initially been a random weekly event, but after Edward and I got together I hadn't been drug tested at all. I had made sure not to smoke out with Tyler until the day after the tests, when that had been going on, and as for the other stuff, it had been infrequent enough that there wasn't a problem. The weed I had been slightly surprised about, except that it _was_ only once a week, and I _had_ been clean for a while beforehand, so it wasn't lingering in my system.

But it had been six weeks since the last time Charlie had handed me the cup from the drugstore kit. After my nose was broken he had to buy the kind that tested for prescription painkillers separately from heroin, and he liked Edward enough that he didn't think it was worth the cost.

I sighed, took the cup, and went to the bathroom. Less than two minutes later I handed the cup to Charlie, who pulled the indicator tab off. All clean. "Great job Bells," he said happily. "Well, look, you can go back to sleep if you want, I'm gonna head out with Billy and Harry."

"Fishing? Jesus, Dad, is it even seven yet?"

"Not exactly quite yet," he cringed, and let me back into bed.

If it had been any later, I would have brooded over my mother trying to rat me out. Which was a silly way of thinking about it, but I didn't really feel like she had my best interests at heart. In my mind, she only was doing this in revenge. My therapists had said that was a poisonous way of thinking, but what else could I think when she said things like, "Do you have any idea what people are saying about me?" after my suicide attempt? I had made her look like a bad mom, therefore she had ceased her easygoing "cool mom" persona in favor of hardlining. In my more lucid and rational moments, I admitted that any parent would be freaked out after drug overdoses and all that, but everything between Renee and I had felt like a war ever since Phil proposed.

Fortunately I wasn't even able to reflect on this at this hour, and fell right back asleep till nine o'clock.

At nine am I remembered that Edward and Alice were gone for the rest of the week, and it felt like a punch in the gut, remembering that. Sure, I knew they'd be back in a week, but right now I needed him, craved him. Even Alice would be great. Neither of them ever needed me to do things for them the way my parents did. I'd realized long ago how twisted my relationships with Renee and Charlie were, and my therapists actually had agreed that it was wrong for my parents to allow me to take care of them to such a great extent. There was none of that with the Cullens. I even sort of liked it when Esme tried to mother me. I mean, it felt weird and awkward, but that was because it was new, not because I didn't need it.

So, Renee had ruined my morning, as if I wasn't already on edge because of the Cullens going away. She must have called Charlie yesterday and asked him, "Is there any emotional upheaval in Bella's life? Well, let me add to that!"

OK, I was being ridiculous. Renee hadn't stopped being my friend merely because she had someone else who would take care of her, and Charlie had managed without me taking care of him for the majority of my life. Spring break was more likely the catalyst for Renee's call, as it was the reason for the Cullens' vacation.

I took half a Xanax and turned on some Buffy. The show had always been able to calm me down, ever since I started watching it at age nine. (And again, what kind of fucking nine-year-old girl needs to be kept calm? The kind that has to make sure her mom pays the utility bills, that kind. Christ.)

I was able to stop thinking about Renee for the length of two episodes, at least, and then Buffy's mom got brain cancer, and then she died, and I couldn't stop the random "lucky bitch" thoughts. They weren't too painful, though, since the Xanax had kicked in. It was almost funny to me, honestly, that I wanted my mom to die from a brain tumor. That was the kind of thing kids said to each other to be mean in my elementary school, actually, "your mom's gonna die from a brain tumor." I couldn't help laughing.

Boy, was I one sick puppy.

And then my phone rang.

"Edward!"

"Hi Bella, we're at Sea-Tac."

"Oh. I'm watching _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_. Her mom has a tumor."

"Unlike your mom, right?"

He knew me so well. I giggled. "I think I might be in love with you."

"I think I might be in love with you." He said that to me last night, and I had just teased him that he was thinking with Little Edward. But now we just swooned at each other.

"I really miss you, already," I sighed.

"I figured you might, hence the calling," he said smugly, but in a loving way. I think.

"This day has been really surreal. My dad woke me up before his fishing test to give me a urinalysis. My mother's idea."

I heard him snort. "What a paragon of virtue Renee Higgenbotham is! Mother of the Year, applause, applause."

"Am I turning you sarcastic?" I asked.

"Nah, just focusing me on ironic things."

"Oh. Good. I do like you all optimistic."

He laughed. "Sure you do. You won't be satisfied till I'm reciting Poe in homeroom."

"Nevermore!" I joked.

We laughed together, then ... sort of listened to each other breathe. We were thinking about the makeout session in the car last night, obviously. "I miss your skin," he finally said in a low tone that gave me gooseflesh.

"Jesus, Edward," I moaned, "you can't say that kind of thing to me when we're going to be apart for a week."

"I think it's the best time to say it," he replied in that same low voice. "If I was going to see you sooner, I could show you how much I like looking at your skin flush."

I moaned again. "Ohhh, I wish I could be suave and say stuff that turned you on like that."

"Try," he urged me.

I took a deep breath. "I want to bite your earlobe."

"Uh. OK." He took a deep breath. "And I have lift off, thank you very much Ms. Swan."

"Um, sorry?"

"I'm not sorry, and I don't believe you are either," he chuckled. "But we should probably sign off on that?"

"I guess so."

"I miss you Bella."

"I miss you, too, Edward."

We dithered a bit more before actually hanging up.


	47. Chapter 46

_**I apologize for the delays in this chapter. I got, ahem, a little caught up in **__**Avengers**__** and **__**The Dark Knight**__**, and summertime is always busy. **_

_**Quick recap: Forks High is on Spring Break, and the Cullens are on a camping trip in the Grand Canyon. They spoke on the phone just after his plane landed, but he's out of service now.**_

_**Soundtrack on youtube: watch?v=MW6E_TNgCsY**_

_**Chapter 46**_

Being out of school without Edward around was weird. At first, like a normal kid, I just watched TV all day. There was always some stupid sitcom on that I watched when I was six or something, or a doc on Animal Planet of cute baby animals, and I had slouched on my chores all weekend to get my Cullen fix, so that took up Monday and Tuesday. Sure, I had to take a little extra Valium to get a full eight hours' sleep, but that wasn't a huge deal to me. Valium was a tool to prevent a relapse.

It wasn't until Wednesday that it really hit me. Edward was gone, in the middle of the Grand Canyon or something, and I wasn't going to hear from him. Every night I wrote him emails that I didn't send, but Wednesday I sent one, and immediately regretted it. It detailed how everything around me reminded me of him, how I couldn't even walk outside without being reminded of him, and how the loneliness was making me not want to move. I was almost crying as I wrote it, but after I sent it I realized I sounded totally insane.

So I called up Angela. It was a rare sunny day, so she was totally down to go to the beach with me. She asked if Ben could come, and I said that I'd prefer to have at least an hour with her alone. So we met at First Beach, where the wind from the ocean whipped your hair about and made it feel about ten degrees cooler than back in Forks. I was wearing my rain jacket over my hoodie, since the ocean spray could also chill you to the bone.

"So I wrote Edward a really pathetic email," I began, and told her about it. She sighed in all the right places and said she was sure he missed me too.

"I mean, if Ben left for a week, I'd be pretty bummed too."

"I just need to distract myself," I told her. "Go ahead and invite Ben, I'll call my friend at the Res."

She called up Ben while I dialed the Blacks' number.

"Jake's at school right now, Bella," Billy told me. I groaned and remembered the res school had had spring break already. "But I'll tell him when he gets home, it should just be an hour."

I sighed as I hung up the phone. "I'm going to the tidepools."

Angela asked if I wanted company and I said she should just stay and wait for Ben. So I went off alone to the tidepools, trying hard not to slip on the moss-covered rocks and fallen logs on the way. I started taking pictures with my cell phone, of all the sea creatures uncovered by low tide. I'd always found them fascinating, and they were proving an excellent distraction. Starfish of all colors, sea anemones, geoducks – amazing.

At one point I was squatting to get a good picture, then sat on a slippery rock and almost fell into the pool. A strong arm gripped me and pulled me up. "Careful there," said a familiar voice, and I looked up at my rescuer. Jacob Black, wearing a shit-eating grin.

"Oh hey," I said, hugging him in relief.

"Hey yourself," he said, his voice squeaking. "Ack. Hey yourself," he said in a more normal tone. "You guys are on spring break?"

"Yeah, most of the crew is out of town though."

He raised his eyebrows. "Including the Cullens."

"Yes, Jake," I said sarcastically. "No Cullens to disturb you."

He blushed then, which I didn't understand at all. "Um, I brought a joint, if you want," he said softly.

I sighed. I'd promised Edward that wouldn't be happening, told his father I hadn't been for a while. I knew from experience that it didn't really help with this kind of emotional pain, only the general dullness of living depressed. But if you had a good reason to be upset, it just put you into a Mobius strip of pain that you couldn't escape. I'd learned that the hard way.

"Thanks but no thanks, I can't be that girl anymore."

He shrugged. "So what girl are you? Cullen's girl?"

"I guess that's me."

"So you just call me when he's gone? Your fallback crutch?" He didn't sound angry, just resigned.

"Geez, Jake, I'm sorry. I haven't seen Angela outside of school for a month either. I barely see Alice except at dinnertime. I'm a little caught up in having a boyfriend, that's what happens in the beginning. Hopefully we'll get tired of being with each other constantly, want a little space, then we'll hang out with our friends more again," I said, thinking of James. He was all over me the first month or two, then wanted to show me off at the parties he attended. He'd been kind then, staying with me till I felt comfortable. But then, Edward admitted he had no friends beyond his brothers and sisters.

"Well, I guess I accept your apology," he sighed. "I mean, I just thought we were hanging out like drug buddies do. So without that I don't really know how to act."

"How do you act with your other friends?"

He chuckled. "Like a goofball, honestly."

"So just be yourself. You be Jake, and I'll be Bells, like when we were kids."

He nodded then pulled me back to the trail. "Let's go see your friends, I brought a Frisbee."

We hurried back, which of course led to me tripping a lot, which led to Jake cracking a joke every time I fell.

The Frisbee game sucked, that is to say, I got hit in the head a couple times, and Jake totally didn't hide his laughter unlike Ang and Ben. We did win, but only because Jake was amazing with throwing and catching. Not surprising, since he was taller than Angela.

But it was fun to run around, and laugh, and forget the hole in my chest.

We hung out till it got dark. Jake called a few of his buddies, and they came with hot dogs and buns and chips and a cooler full of drinks. They made a fire as the sun set, and Ang and Ben were cuddled together to fight the cold. I just took off my rain coat – didn't want sparks to catch it – and sat as close to the fire as I could stand. Jake kept rubbing my shoulder. His hand felt hotter than the fire to me.

And then Charlie showed up. "Hey kids."

"Hey Chief Swan," they all said, some more bashful than others.

I couldn't believe it was already dark, six hours out here? "Guess you got my note."

He nodded. "No problem, you just weren't answering your phone and I got a little worried."

I reached into my pocket. I hadn't touched my phone since the tidepools. Six missed calls, all from my home number. Oops. "Sorry, I was distracted."

"Just come home before it's too dark out here," he admonished, and went back to his cruiser.

"Way to kill a mood, Bella!" yelled one of the boys, I think Quil, as he drove off.

I felt my skin redden. "I guess I better go."

"Hey, no," said Jake, gently pushing me to keep me on the ground. "He said it was fine." He handed me the hotdog he'd been roasting over the fire and slapped it on a bun. I ate it slowly, sipping on a soda.

When I came home that night, I wrote Edward another email. "Please disregard previous email. I had a moment but I'm ok now. Still miss ya."


	48. Chapter 47

_**Chapter 47**_

On Thursday I woke up before 7am. I groaned when I saw the clock, but I couldn't fall back asleep. So I did something I tried not to do very often - I called my mother. We had spent spring breaks together, every year, till I was fourteen. She had a new job that year, before she decided to go back to teaching kindergarten. Instead of feeling sympathy for her, I felt betrayed. My depression had already been not so great at that point, but I remember that being one of the worst weeks of my life. Fortunately, my freshman year I was already with James - we spent our spring breaks listening to Nine Inch Nails stoned.

Renee couldn't talk long, but she asked how my spring break was going.

"OK, I guess. I hung out with Ang and Ben at First Beach, then Jake and some of his friends stopped by."

"Jacob Black?"

"Yeah, they aren't on break right now, so they didn't come by till after school."

"Charlie tells me those kids on the reservation grow up fast."

"Well, Jake's already like five inches taller than me, and he's not even sixteen," I told her.

"Is he cute?"

"_Mom!_" I couldn't help it.

"What? Isn't he all tall, dark and handsome?"

"I happen to have a boyfriend, Renee," I said, gritting my teeth.

"What, that means you can't look? Come on Bella, when did you get so uptight?"

"Because I don't think other guys are as hot as my own boyfriend, I'm uptight?"

She laughed at that. "He is a looker, isn't he?" I'd emailed her pictures of Edward and me.

I sighed. "Do you need me to take a picture of Jake and send it to you?"

"Yeah, that would be nice."

"I mean, I know you like younger men and all, but this is -"

"Isabella Swan, don't you dare," she interrupted me. She wasn't really mad; I could practically hear her rolling her eyes.

"OK, OK."

Sometimes my mother can be overly insightful. "So Jacob Black has a crush on you?"

I wanted to scream at her, but she's been able to do this kind of thing all my life. "God, I don't know. Probably. He seemed glad of my company yet angry that I had spent most of my time with my boyfriend. I mean, God forbid I spend time with my boyfriend, right?"

"Well, Bella, you do have that habit of ignoring everything but your boyfriend," she pointed out.

"Yeah, yeah, balance of life, I know, I know." I was now rolling my eyes at my mother's hypocrisy. "Jake already gave me this lecture."

"Well, now's a good time to figure out things for yourself. Be an independent woman."

"Aren't you on the road with Phil right now?" I asked her.

"That's different."

"Why is it different? I'm in - I mean, I miss Edward a lot. It's hard to even read knowing I can't see him later tonight," I confessed.

"Oh sweetie, you know he'll be back soon. Sometimes you can't be with the one you love, and you just have to endure, right?"

I sighed dramatically. "I suppose."

"So what are your plans for today?"

"Ugh, I dunno. Maybe I'll roast a chicken, that should kill some time. I already cleaned the whole house from top to bottom, and there's a ton of leftover lasagna in the fridge."

"See, you have a plan. Keep busy or you'll be consumed with loneliness. Oops, I gotta go babe, love you!"

"Love you -"

Click.

My mother, ladies and gentlemen.

I had read all the books I checked out of the library, and it wouldn't open till 10am anyway, so I decided I may as well try the chicken idea. I hooked up the modem into the wall and waited, then finally found a nice recipe for roasted chicken. I wrote down the ingredients and headed to the grocery store. It was going to be a basic roast, nothing super fancy for my father, whose taste buds were destroyed by years of diner food. Onion, garlic, sage, parsley, salt, pepper. And of course butter.

I prepared the chicken and let it sit at room temperature. It would probably be finished in time for lunch. I decided to make some mashed potatoes and salad to go with it. The smell was mouth-watering by noon, and I ate my servings of salad and mashed potatoes first, before it was even finished. I cut up the breast meat, then a drumstick for Charlie, and drove to the station.

He was quite happy to see me, and almost as happy to see fresh chicken. "This is amazing, Bells," he moaned.

"Hey, I was just bored," I shrugged.

I hung out in the station talking to the deputies a little till they got a call. Nothing serious, but Charlie said I ought to go home anyway.

When I got home I turned on the television. The sitcoms that had seemed so entertaining on Monday now made me want to throw the television out the window. I flipped through every single channel we had in about ten minutes, and there was absolutely nothing I wanted to watch.

Boredom and depression go hand in hand. If you're bored, it feels like there's something wrong with you, and when you're depressed, you know there's something wrong with you. Both of them have thought cycles that go round and round till you almost want to kill yourself to make them stop. People say they are "bored to death," but that's nothing to depression. The two things are not the same, but to me they are intertwined.

Part of James' appeal was that nothing was ever boring when you smoked pot. Everything has a rainbow hue over it, visually and aurally, even tactilely. Hell, even your taste buds seem to sense more when you eat. The everyday and humdrum becomes magical, and he never failed to point these things out to me when I complained about boredom.

Of course, when I spent time with Edward, I saw and felt a similar way. I mean, obviously I was not high off THC, but every little thing meant so much more when experienced with him. And every new thing seemed twice as bright, twice as new.

I hadn't wanted to get a boyfriend for this reason - I wanted to learn how to cope without drugs for as long as I could. But how could I resist Edward Cullen's attentions? I couldn't, and I didn't, and I was glad about that, but right this minute on spring break without Edward Cullen, I was feeling spastic as I paced the house.

I tried to sit still for a while. The cracks in the ceiling seemed to grow and envelope me.

"Argh!" I shrieked, and ran outside the house.


	49. Chapter 48

_**Chapter 48**_

I ran through the woods behind the house just trying to feel something, as opposed to nothing. Anytime I was sitting still I was trying hard to not think about Edward. Running in the woods I was still missing him, but I tried to channel that feeling into running. All of my therapists had asked me about exercise, and I had told Dr. Cullen that "gym was plenty", but now that I was actually doing it, I finally understood what they meant.

Of course I was in such terrible shape that I ran out of breath pretty soon. I turned around and walked back home, panting heavily. I couldn't help comparing it to the way I felt after doing uppers with James. Heart racing, cheery mood - very similar. I didn't especially enjoy the feeling of my heart pounding out of my chest, though. I was careful on the walk back to keep it relatively slow.

One thing the run did accomplish was blanking my brain out. When I was panting so hard I could barely breathe, I definitely was unable to think about anything. It was really a shame that I was unable to legally drink, as alcohol was also something that stopped one from thinking. Well, at least, in my experiences, it stopped me from overthinking. James was an expert at giving me the substance that I needed when I would explain what I wanted. Of course, alcohol also kind of made me horny, so we only indulged at parties. Besides, I couldn't act normal enough around Renee when I was drinking, and her value system meant that alcohol was worse than pot.

I couldn't understand that. I supposed if pot was legal, that was true, but if I'd gotten caught driving with a joint, I'd have been in a lot more trouble than if I'd been driving while drunk. It was probably different in Washington than Arizona, though. Anyway, assigning different "relative morals" to drugs struck me as insane. I went along with it, because my Xanax was so useful, but Percocet was more or less the same sort of drug as heroin, really.

And now I was thinking about drugs again. Not good.

I considered putting on headphones and going for another run, but I figured the only reason I didn't fall in the woods earlier was because I was able to hear everything. So I did it again, this time a little slower, about the same distance, but this time I ran back. I really had to push myself to make it all the way back running, though, and I figured that was when headphones would have come in handy. But once again, I was panting like crazy and unable to think about anything but the way my body felt euphoric yet tired and in pain.

I sat around watching TV for a while - my brain was calm enough that I actually could pay attention to an entire episode of _Law & Order_ before I started to get antsy again. During the next episode I started flipping channels, and hit upon a rerun of _Top Chef_. I watched that for half an hour, and then I got up to run again. This time I did wear headphones, but I ran around the block instead of in the woods. That worked pretty well, I got to the point of "runner's high" and was able to push myself to keep going, to keep it up as long as I could, and just a little longer. This time it wasn't nearly as much as the first two times, but that just meant it happened faster.

It was starting to get dark by the end of the third run, anyway, so I showered and made myself a sandwich. Charlie came home, and I was able to sit and watch TV with him. But I went to bed early, since I woke up early, and exhausted myself with running.

The next morning I ached all over when I woke up. I stumbled into the bathroom to take some ibuprofen, and then back to bed. Just a note: when you aren't really in good shape, running till you can't move THREE TIMES IN ONE DAY is a bad idea. Not to mention my just-healed nose was aching a little too.

It was almost funny, how after I pushed my body past its limit on Thursday to avoid thinking about drugs or Edward, that the incredible pain all over shattered my resolve.

Yes, that's right, when I'm in pain, I don't think straight.

I tried my best to relax in bed, but the knowledge that in my underwear drawer was something that would kill most of my pain, and most of my thoughts, kept coming to me. I hadn't really thought about it since seeing Tyler, and before that I hadn't really thought about it since Jasper came by. That was good, right, not thinking about it?

The last time was also because I was panicking over catching Tyler with his dealer. This time was strictly for pain management. I wouldn't run today, and I'd be in less pain tomorrow, and then Sunday Edward would be back, and he'd distract me again.

All these justifications went through my head before I finally gave in and went to my underwear drawer. Lighter. Spoon. Bottle of dissolved heroin. Needles. A piece of cotton.

Alcohol on my hip. Needle through my skin.

And then, waiting. The one good thing about smoking was that it kicked in faster, but it tasted so disgusting, and it was really a big waste. This way I was using hardly any at all, and only for actual emergencies like being in pain - or freaking out worse than Xanax could handle.

Honestly, I had been thinking about the drugs the entire time Edward was gone, but I kept forcing myself to be distracted.

I decided today and tomorrow I'd hang out with Jake. I needed to be away from temptation, and he was the best way I could think of. Even if he wanted to smoke pot, that was still better than heroin, right? Dr. Cullen hadn't been too fussed about it when I first told him it was once a week.

Unfortunately Jake was still at school today, so I'd have to wait to call him.

Of course, by the time I thought about this, the heroin had started to kick in, and my anxiety about finding stuff to do was easing. I was still in a little pain, but definitely less than originally. It still hurt to walk, though. I pulled out my notebook and watched _Heathers_ - or at least I started it, but I think I passed out for a bit. The playlist had _Edward Scissorhands_ next - Winonafest - and I woke up in the middle of it.

It was about two by the time the movie ended, so I went down to eat lunch and give Jake a call. He wasn't home yet, but he would be soon, so I asked Billy to tell him to meet me at the beach. I knew I couldn't run, but I felt like walking, so I drove to First Beach and started walking.


End file.
